Sometimes a glimmer of it is there. Most of the times not so much.
I think going into this project, I had this preconceived notion that it was gonna be so much like my 52 half marathons in 52 weeks – that I was gonna find oh so much joy in running, almost immediately.
But it hasn’t really worked out that way.
I’m not 100% sure what the reasons are for that…
I mean, this time around it is in the much more recent past that I was a much better runner… When I did all the half marathons after all the hospital stuff and everything, I was chasing a half I’d done 3 years prior.
Now, I’m chasing one from like a year and a half-ish ago.
So, on the one hand, it seems like a more attainable thing, maybe? Maybe you should more easily be able to get back to where you were not as long ago?
On the other hand, it’s also a more recent memory. And to me, I’m finding it more painful that I’m not attaining it.
Also, let’s forget about results for a second. The real big huge main reason I’m not finding the joy in running anymore is because I can’t be alone with my thoughts. If I let them drift for too long, I end up back in that unsafe place, and I hate it.
Running – having all this time to think and “process” problems in my life… it’s no longer freeing or helpful. It now feels constricting, sad, scary, awful.
I’m gonna stick with all the miles through the end of this project, of course. And then I don’t know what happens when they’re done.
I *loved* running. It has been a giant part of my life. And it really just feels like it’s ripping my heart out to think about not doing it anymore. Like, I burst into tears even starting, above, to type that I wasn’t sure if I’d do another race once the 882 Project was done. What?! Say goodbye to running?! But I looooooove running…
But do I? Because I have yet to have a race in this project that’s super fun or liberating or makes me actual feel powerful.
So, though it’s a heartbreaker for me… I no longer feel the joy in running, and I’m not positive I ever will. I suppose time will tell, but the forecast isn’t good… *sigh*