I just don’t feel anything.
I don’t know how to explain it. But it feels like my whole life is taking place behind this glass box. And sometimes I’m pounding against it as hard as I can, but it doesn’t matter.
Sometimes I’m just curled up in the corner because what’s the point of pounding anymore?
And sometimes I can’t pound or sit because the glass feels so present and crushing that I am trapped right in between it.
I completely understand why drug abuse is higher in abused women. Sometimes I feel like maybe if I just started doing drugs, things would be better. And I don’t mean to be flippant about that (or to make you think that I’m actually in real danger of becoming a drug addict), but I am so desperate to feel, it’s like, hook me up, man!
I’m almost ready to just live a crazy life that eventually sends me to rehab or worse if it means I can feel something… (And for some reason, it would feel more “okay” to seek help or struggle for some sort of addiction than for being affected by being assaulted.)
I barely even know what I’m saying.
I just want to feel. *pound, pound, pound* I’m so tired of being trapped in here. I just wanna get out.
[This is from the sexual assault series.]