I have yet another blog post sitting in my queue waiting to be finished up and published. (I’m SO sorry. I know it’s getting ridiculous how little I’m posting.)
That blog posts talks about how it makes me physically ill sometimes think about spending the night in someone’s bed (or lord help me, them in mine). And I will get to that post. (And not waste your time writing it all out right here.) The point is…
I know this is crazy to yet again mention that man I adore in California. (I really wish I had some great blog nickname for him), because as I think I mentioned, I had never planned on talking about him here.
To me, the blog just isn’t the place to talk about my relationships – though apparently it sorta is sometimes now…
He’s just a good contrast sometimes and I think this post is relevant to sexual assault and worth talking about.
So, as I mentioned, I’ve been sick when I hear or see characters on TV or the radio or whatever spend the night. *shudders*
But I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and two characters were wrapped in each other’s arm after obviously spending the night together. (I would say spoiler alert, but goodness gracious, that could be anybody on the show.) The point is, my first thought is usually panic and “AGH! Why did I spend the night?! If I wouldn’t have done that, I could’ve avoided being assaulted,” and blah blah blah blah blah blah.
But this time, I breathed in a really deep breath like a nice calm person and was like, “That’s how me and [California guy; still wishing I had a better nickname] used to look in the morning.
I know I’ve said recovery is like a roller-coaster and I think this somewhat illustrates it. Literally yesterday, I was like, “This is unfixable! I am never gonna get better!” (And my frustration might not have been as clear in the post as it was to anyone who would’ve been around me, in my office, sobbing at the idea that I don’t know how to fix this.)
But then this happened.
My first thought was of something really nice.
So, maybe it’s “fixable” after all… Maybe I can “get better” (even if I’m not 100% supposed to think about it that way).
I don’t know. I know it’s such a teeeeeny tiny victory. But I’ll take it! I loved sleeping in California guy’s arms. And I’m really, really happy that the good memory started seeping back in. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna think about that, and all that safety and happiness at his place, now as I drift off to sleep!