This is a question I’ve been asking myself often nowadays. I’m pretty sensitive to how I’ve been feeling/acting lately. [I toootally have drafts of posts about this. I’m SO sorry I’m very far behind.]
Anyway, I know that it’s semi-unhealthy to live in a world of “old me vs. new me.” It might be better to just realize this is where I am now and then try to improve upon anything I don’t like.
But I liked who I was…. And I’m in this semi-weird spot of questioning so many things… “Is this normal, or is this a problem?”
I’ve always been at least a little messy (sometimes a lotta messy). If my apartment is becoming a little unhinged, is that because “Well, I’m just messy Aurora,” or is it a sign that I’m not keeping up with my life as well as I used to?
If I’ve been invited out to do something, and I just lazily sit at home, is that because I’m so anxious around people now that it’s a real problem I’m not going out… or am I just taking a little alone time that everybody needs (even me – even back before anything happened!)?
If I keeeeeep meaning to send a thank you card or a gift or something and I just keep not doing it… is that because I can’t handle normal responsibilities now? Or is it because some things slip through the cracks? (I literally still have cards somewhere from the 52 half marathons in 52 weeks project that just never made it to a post office.) So, is that? Or am I too depressed to get things done?
If I spend nearly a day sleeping because I neeeeeeded it… is that because I’ve been traveling so much lately and working crazy hours and racking up miles for my 882 Project, and I need to catch up on sleep? Or is it because I’m super depressed and it’s easier to just sleep?
These, and questions like these, are questions I’m asking myself way too often. I have to allow myself to be tired and to be human. But I’m I “allowing” too much? I mean, I guess as long as I’m generally functioning – as long as I’m getting to work and such, I guess that means everything’s okay-ish.
But I want to be more than someone who goes to work and then goes home. I want to more than just a robot who turns her brain off all the time… And I guess that’s why I’m asking these questions of myself. ‘Cause am I becoming this unfeeling robot barely making it through a day, or am I just being human? …Sometimes it’s hard to tell.