Sometimes I Feel Like A Big Jerk

April 15, 2017

This is yet another post talking about yet another sexual assault has affected me.

My last day of work on my current project is coming up on Friday.

Usually, on my last day of jobs, I give a bunch of thank you cards, I say goodbye to all the people I’ve adored working with, and it just kind of feels like a little bow on all of it.

It will not be like that with this job.

I really like everyone who works there. Everyone has been super nice in their interactions with me. It’s been a fun show to work on and all…

But instead of the usual – where I get to know people a little better, and see if they wanna go work out together over lunch, or whatever… I have mainly just sat in my office with the door closed, quietly doing my work.

People have still had to come to my office to watch various cuts and stuff. It’s not like I’ve never met anyone, or don’t know anyone at all… But I don’t interact in the same way. And just as I quietly come in everyday (often an adjusted schedule because of therapy or Project 882), I will probably quietly leave at some weird time where yet again people don’t really know if I’m there or not.

And that’s so weird.

I also feel like a jerk because, while I cry much (much) less often at work nowadays, I still do sometimes… And sometimes people still need me. So, sometimes, someone will knock on my door when I’m crying. And I use the 2 seconds between the knock and when they come in to compose myself a little… But I usually don’t look at them when they come in.

I’m trying to hide that I’m not all that composed, and that my face is red from crying. I’m trying to hide the tear I maybe didn’t get to fully wipe off. I’m trying to hide the fact that I’d like to keep crying as soon as they’ve asked whatever they need to ask.

So, I acknowledge them with a hi or something, and I keep my face to my computer, not looking up to acknowledge their presence. And that feels super douchey.

Granted, editors do that sort of often. It’s not unheard of. They might be in the groove. They might just be living up to their cranky stereotype. It’s not unheard of, or ridiculously weird or anything. But it’s certainly not what I like to do.

And when it happened at the Nightly Show, it wasn’t that weird, because people came in directly behind you. You had to turn your whole body around to see them. At my current job, they come in from the upper corner of the room. You have to move your head like maybe 45 degrees (and that’s if you’re looking at your farthest away screen). Like, come on.

So, in conclusion, I feel like a jerk. But sometimes that is the very very best I can do on that day and in that moment. And it’s a bummer.

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