If you’re getting notified about this, FYI, this post is old.
…I think there are a number of reasons.
I’m not an expert in sexual assault. I’m not a doctor or someone who really knows what she’s talking about when it comes to this stuff… But I still have a slight hypothesis as to at least one reason people are so often empathetic with people accused of harassment or assault… And I think it’s maybe because we don’t want it to be us…
A somewhat fair number of stories of sexual assault seem to be told as a “night gone wrong.” Oftentimes, it’s even with people who know each other. And I think – especially as the conversation about assault gets louder and louder – that people are afraid they’re gonna kind of “accidentally” assault someone.
…And that’s a weird thing to think, right? That someone could even do that accidentally? But I have a number of friends – even guys I’ve slept with before, so I know(!) how kind and attentive they are in bed – who are either a) scared of “accidental” assault or b) have a “gray area” story, usually from when they were younger [and we didn’t talk about this stuff as much], and a girl potentially felt taken advantage of because maybe he didn’t realize how drunk she was, or maybe he didn’t realize how hard he was pushing if she was unsure…
I know so many people with one or two iffy stories in their past, and nobody wants to feel like they assaulted someone…
Even I can think of little things that make my kind of take a second take, as I’ve been delving oh so much about consent and the issues surrounding it…
2 examples below:
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I don’t get drunk very often… But one night, I was drunk. And I was out with friends, and we all were drunk. And on of my suuuuuper hot drunk friends (whom I’ve known for years) was like, “Make out with me!” And I was like reeeeeasonly sure-ish that we both were un-drunk enough that we still had our brains about us enough… But I didn’t really think to say, “Wait. Am I taking advantage of you? I know I’m drunk too, but still. Are we for sure the same level of drunk, and is it an acceptable level to make out with you?” I just said “OKAY” And we did. And it was really freaking fun.
And a group of us fell asleep at her house and in the morning, we both talked in the morning (soberly) about how fun the night and making out was.
So, everything seemed fine. But in a different universe, that night could’ve potentially maybe gone a different way.
That story doesn’t seem like a big deal, and thankfully in that instance it wasn’t. I’m just saying, I see. I see how a situation that doesn’t seem like a big deal could turn into one if the night goes another way.
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I’ve also thought about how I used to wake up in the morning next to the dude I was so madly in love with, and be like, “Hiiiiii, would you like to have sex this morning, pretty, pretty, pretty please?” And sometimes he’d be a little sleepy or grumpy-ish or whatever… But I always kind of thought we were playing a game in which I was the super cheerful one like, “What if you had sex with me just a tiny little bit? Like, what if you just gave me one orgasm, preeeeeetty please?” – kind of moving around and putting my face close to his face and all that… And he’d be playing “grumpy morning guy” who was like “hmmmm… hmmm, and then YES!” and he’s grab me and it would be wonderful. To me, it was SO wonderful, and it was this fun morning routine.
I’m as certain as one can be that’s how it was for him too. Because he’s joked about those mornings with me, and how much he loved it. He’s said how ‘mornings aren’t the same without it’… He ‘misses those days “when the biggest eyes in the universe would be starting him in the face,”‘ and all that. So, considering he doesn’t bring up any issue with it (and has only ever talked about how much he loved it, and misses it), I really do think it is a “fun game” (as opposed to coercion). But I think you can see how between two other people, in another world, it might not be this “cute morning routine/game.”
And I guess that’s one of the most important things – the nuance of it all. Because all the little things do matter. And a lot of nuance does get lost in this world. So, if people hear something that sounds even a liiiittle too similar to something that happened to them, they get a little defensive and freak-out-ery potentially.
Like, in the example above, if one partner doesn’t feel fully free to tell the other “hey, but for real, I need to sleep longer”… If the same words and body language are done – but the second partner felt super pressured or coerced or threatened – it’d no longer be an adorable game between people who loved each other. You know what I’m saying? [Probably. I feel like I’m always an over-explainer when I talk about this stuff. Aye, aye, aye. Anyway –
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I know it’s sort of like, “Well, all things would be different if the details were different.” And that’s true… I dunno… I just – we all want to think we’re good people (I think? Or at least most of us do.)
And I’ll finish this up tomorrow.