[Disclaimer, I guess: A lot of people are all about “fat acceptance,” and “loving your body” and all that. And I don’t mean to harsh anyone else’s buzz, or whatever they want to do. But I (personally) haaaaaaaaate being fat, and I loooooooove being small. And having gotten all depressed and gaining weight and stuff is weighing (get it?) on me a LOT. So, this is a post talking about my struggle with how I feel about that (crappy).]
I’ve gained some weight over the past year (which I will get into in another post). And it is a big pain in the butt to try to live life as though it maybe sort of hasn’t happened.
I feel like an actress on a sitcom who’s pregnant and trying not to show it. Look at the weird way I’ve been posing in pictures… How can I hide my stomach and not look too fat???
I have always been worried about photos and what I’m wearing, but now I have to worry even more so.
For instance, when I went to San Francisco a few years ago, it was the thinnest I ever was. (And even then, I felt fat. (I always feel fat, so that’s not surprising.))
But like, I think you can pretty much kinda sorta tell in that photo over there to the right that I’m not all that fat…
My butt’s a little bit small and lifted, my stomach doesn’t pooch out (and I’m not even sucking it in). My neck looks like the neck of a not-fat person…
I didn’t do anything special for that pic at Coit Tower. (That’s even one of my “fat pics” of the time, because I was just out and about, not wearing a helpful bra or flattering pants. I just threw on an outfit and went out sightseeing.)
And I can’t do that anymore.
If you see a full body photo of me and I look good and/or shapely – chances are, I’m wearing freaking shapewear. (2016 was the first year I ever bough Spanx [*sighs at self*]. Or maybe I’m wearing even more than shapewear! I might have clips in the back of my clothing to keep it tight-ish in the right spots. I might be posing in a special way, or against something.
I always – always, always – even at my fittest, even at my happiest, even at my size 4 weight, have always been worried about angles and lighting and “how do I look?” And “Oh my gosh, I have to do this or that to try not to be fat.” But now I have to do it more than ever.
I’m too afraid to even have running pics from all these races I’m doing.
I basically always wear at least two layers, so I can have my bib on the bottom one – that way it’s there for timing purposes, but it’s always covered for photos, so I can’t be tagged.
Not only do I hide my bib so I won’t be tagged or have any race photos, I will try to run *around* the photographers (going on the sidewalk or wherever) so I won’t be in a photo at all in the least.
If I am in a photo, I usually hide my face. I put my hands out and lower my head and try to cover up even more, and/or I try to look utterly miserable, because even IF you actually can successfully hide your bib and not get tagged, a race may use you in promotional material… So, I just try to turtle and/or miserable – I guess miserable turtle my way out of any photos being used.
And it’s annoying.
I don’t like turtle-ing up. I don’t like putting on a miserable face. I don’t like to run out of my way to avoid photographers, and life, and people. I like to have fun. I like to pose for cameras. (Think about doing the 52 half marathons in 52 weeks when I would always yell out things like “look cute!” to warn people that there was a photographer.)
But now, I have to hide. I already hated being fat when I was originally cubby… But then to become small – to have people always talk about how small I was – to have “tiny” be the preface to a bunch of nicknames because I am known as this tiny girl that people love to lift off the ground… And then to feel chubby again? Uh uh, no way. I do not want people witnessing that.
So, I just hide.
And it’s hot (outside, obviously, not like I’m hot – that’s the point of this post, really). It’s hot to always be wearing layers. (I have a coat that looks okay on me that I have worn a whole bunch of times when a coat was NOT necessary, because it looks better than me without the coat.) So, I am so tired of being so freaking warm.
It’s isolating.
I don’t go to runner meetups and things in large part because I just don’t want to be in any pictures. All of my pictures have to be like take 2000, after I’ve contorted my body and my clothing so much that I look semi-presentable.
I can no longer do that on command or in a simple group shot nowadays.
And it’s kind of lonely and crummy to avoid stuff, and fun, and adventures, and people because I’m afraid I’ll be photographed at the meet-up (and I don’t want to get in a back and forth about how I don’t want to be in a picture, even if there is a warning on some of the photos being taken).
It’s just – it’s a little exhausting, very warm, and kind of incredibly isolating.
*Sigh* So, that’s that… Just hiding in plain sight.