Sometimes, I will have maybe a great therapy session, or I’ll have an amazing, inspiring talk with someone I’ll admire, or I’ll have a great trip far away from New York, or something freeing will happen, and I will feel so normal and happy (sometimes even while in New York)…
And it’ll feel so wonderful to be back to just the girl who can walk outside with no issues… (What a concept, huh? … Being able to just go outside…)
I’ll be the girl who can just talk to her friends without being distracted… who can focus on reading a book and maybe even learning a new concept… Who can dream bigger than making it through the day (back to my old normal dreams – I still wanna climb Kilimanjaro, baby!)… A girl who can actually get a bunch of stuff done – plan things, organize her room – who can just be.
And when I’m like this, I just feel so very normal that it’s like, “How do I ever have a breakdown those crazy breakdowns where I feel like I can’t get out of bed? Everything is fine!”
I don’t feel trapped. I don’t feel endlessly cry-y. I feel all the life there is left to live, and I’m excited about it…
So, how do I keep that? How do I even out the rollercoaster? (I know to some extent, the answer is just to continue with therapy and keep working toward that goal – that with time and professional help, conceivably eventually it will get to the point where I have far far far more normal days than not.)
It just feels so good and so nice to feel normal, that when I feel it – for one thing, I try to use it for all it’s worth. “Oh goodness gracious, I’m in a good spot today! Anything I’ve been putting off, I better do right now!” And for another, I hold any joy I am feeling so very tightly.
It’s weird now that joy has become associated with fear – both because if I was joyous with sexual assaulted guy, it wasn’t allowed to last long – it seems he’d most often try to knock me down. And then also because now, now that he’s gone and I don’t have to worry about his responses to anything anymore, I still have my own all over the map issues of what happens (for me at least) with dealing with PTSD. I wanna hold that joy so tightly. Anytime I feel it, it’s like “shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhsh! Do not move. Don’t make a sound. Don’t move a muscle. Do nothing.” My emotions have become like this tiny infant… If it’s sleeping, if it’s peaceful or calm be every every every so careful.
And that’s hard in itself because when you feel joy, you wanna jump around and do things… But it’s scary to think if you do the “wrong” thing, you might have a flashback or a reaction or what have you.
But I don’t really have a choice. I have to just keep going out there and pushing forward.
I just hope, I suppose, that one day my emotions can rise up from being an exceptionally finicky infant back to being normal adult emotions I can handle, and know what to do with…
(I always said I never wanted to have a child, and now it feels like my PTSD is one.)
I don’t know what else to say, but since I’m in a good place today, excuse my while I go clean my room!