I Feel So Lonely, Baby – Part 2 (Acquaintances)

Thursday, May 18th, 2017

I talked about how the whole assault and fallout and everything affected my closest relationship. It also affected my relationships with basically everybody else – from close people to people I wasn’t so close with…

Immediately after it happened, I tried to go do something practically every night. (If you read the story, you know the man who sexually assaulted me decided he then wouldn’t speak to me for 30 days… I kept believing those 30 days were going to end with an apology and everything would be okay. Obviously that’s not what ultimately happened.) So, in those 30 days (and even a little bit past), I was just trying to keep my mind off of it – stay distracted. So I started hanging out with basically anyone I’d known at any part of my life who re-emerged through Facebook, or friends of friends, etc.

And every time I was distracted… but not from my problems, my nightmares, my experience of being assaulted. No. I was distracted *by* that stuff from the people I was supposed to be hanging out with.

I could feel my eyes glossing over, not being able to concentrate on what people were saying.

I also wasn’t able to talk about much outside of sexual assault guy. So, sometimes, even with all this other really wonderful stuff going on in my life, I still wouldn’t be able to help but mention, “oh yeah, boy problems, man.” And I’d talk about this guy [sexual assault guy] who wouldn’t talk to me, and how frustrating it was – which was a super weird thing to talk about because I’m sure it was confusing, “Why is this girl so preoccupied with some random fight with some random guy?” (‘Cause I wasn’t tellingĀ all these random people the big awful parts.) So, it was just confusing for everybody, I’m pretty sure.

So, while I don’t think anyone was necessarily like, “Oh, I hate that girl,” I don’t think people were super excited about the possibility of trying to become better friends with this kinda empty, vacant, distracted lady.

And I stopped being into the possibility of going out with other human beings…

It became hard to conjure up the strength to go out with people. And I just started to become a bit isolated.

Not to mention, some of the people who would’ve been the logical people to try to reach out to and be friends with (like anybody in BMI or other related mutual friends we might have) – I just wanted to stay away from all of them. It’s hard to totally explain all the reasons why. I don’t know if it was that I didn’t want to “bring them into the drama,” or I didn’t want to feel bad telling them that their friend had done something bad. So, the easiest thing was just to not to talk to them – to basically not talk to anybody.

So, now that we’ve heard how my closest relationships were ruined, and my acquaintance-ships also suffered, let’s also talk about how romantic relationships suffered too – tomorrow.

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