I’m Just Hiding Right In Plain Sight

Monday, May 22nd, 2017

Screen Shot 2017-06-15 at 4.25.12 PM

I’ve gained some weight over the past year (which I will get into in another post). And it is a big pain in the butt to try to live life as though it maybe sort of hasn’t happened.

I feel like an actress on a sitcom who’s pregnant and trying not to show it. Look at the weird way I’ve been posting in pictures… How can I hide my stomach and not look too fat???

I have always been worried about photos and what I’m wearing, but now I have to be even more so.

For instance, when I went to San Francisco a few years ago, it was the thinnest I ever was. (And even then, I felt fat. I always feel fat, so that’s not surprising.)

Screen Shot 2017-06-15 at 4.31.58 PMBut like, I think you can pretty much kinda sorta tell in that photo over there to the right that I’m not all that fat…

My butt’s a little bit small and lifted, my stomach doesn’t pooch out (and I’m not even sucking it in). My neck looks like the neck of a not-fat person…

I didn’t do anything special for that pic at Coit Tower. (That’s even one of my “fat pics” of the time, because I was just out and about, not doing anything special.) I wasn’t wearing a helpful bra. I wasn’t wearing special pants. I just threw on an outfit and went out sightseeing.

And I can’t do that anymore.

If you see a full body photo of me and I look good and/or shapely – chances are, I’m wearing freaking shapewear. (2016 was the first year I ever bough Spanx (*sighs at self*).

Or maybe I’m wearing even more than shapewear! I might have clips in the back of my clothing to keep it tight-ish. I might be posing in a special way, or against something.

I always – always, always – even at my fittest, even at my happiest, even at my size 4 weight, have always been worried about angles and lighting and “how do I look?” And “Oh my gosh, I have to do this or that to try not to be fat.” But now I have to do it more than ever.

I’m too afraid to even have running pics from all these races I’m doing.

I basically always wear at least two layers, so I can have my bib on the bottom one – that way it’s there for timing purposes, but it’s always covered for photos, so I can’t be tagged.

Not only do I hide my bib so I won’t be tagged or have any race photos, I will try to run *around* the photographers (going on the sidewalk or wherever) so I won’t be in a photo at all in the least.

If I am in a photo, I usually hide my face. I put my hands out and lower my head and try to cover up even more, and/or I try to look utterly miserable, because even IF you actually can successfully hide your bib and not get tagged, a race may use you in promotional material… I’ve even seen some pictures that don’t look all that great being used. So, if you think you’re gonna get away from looking used because you look like you’re struggling or something, you are not safe!

So, I just try to turtle and/or miserable – I guess miserable turtle my way out of any photos being used.

And it’s annoying.

I don’t like turtle-ing up. I don’t like putting on a miserable face. I like to have fun. I like to pose for cameras. (Think about doing the 52 half marathons in 52 weeks I would always yell out things like “look cute!” to warn people that there was a photographer.)

But now, I have to hide. I already hated being fat when I was originally cubby… But then to become small – to have people always talk about how small I was – to have “tiny” be the preface to a bunch of nicknames because I am known as this tiny girl that people love to lift off the ground… And then to feel chubby again? Uh uh, no way. I do not want people witnessing that.

So, I just hide.

(Even in this photo, I don't think I look small. But you may be thinking, "Oh, the problem isn't all thaaaat bad..." But what you may not be taking into account is that I am hiding both of my arms. (We had to re-take the picture in a way that would do that.) I'm sucking in my stomach, and it still doesn't look small... My dress is covering up my upper thigh a bit... Even this one where I'm not "hiding," I'm hiding as best I can... And it's one of the few full body shots I've actually shown through the mess of all this...

(Edited to add this pic from England. Even in this photo, I don’t think I look small. But you may be thinking, “Oh, the problem isn’t all thaaaat bad…” But what you may not be taking into account is that I am hiding both of my arms. (We had to re-take the picture in a way that would do that.) I’m sucking in my stomach, and it still doesn’t look small… My dress is covering up my upper thigh a bit… Even this one where I’m not “hiding,” I’m hiding as best I can… And it’s one of the few full body shots I’ve actually shown through the mess of all this…

And it’s hot. It’s hot to always be wearing layers. (I have a coat that looks pretty good on me that I have worn a whole bunch of times when a coat was NOT necessary because it looks better than me without the coat.) So, I am so tired of being so freaking warm.

It’s isolating.

I don’t go to runner meetups and things in large part because I just don’t want to be in any pictures. All of my pictures have to be like take 2000, after I’ve contorted my body and my clothing so much that I look semi-presentable.

I can no longer do that on command or in a simple group shot nowadays.

*Sigh* So, that’s that… Just hiding in plain sight.

 

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?