I love it when people say they think I’m resilient. It boosts my confidence, and it’s pretty rad and all. So, thank you, to anyone who’s ever thought it…
But, because a fair amount of people think I’m so resilient, it has seemed like a surprise (a pretty big surprise) to many people (including me, really) that this sexual assault experience would affect me so much.
But life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Do you think it’s possible that no matter how resilient you are, if you keep getting pelted with different things from life that it’s eventually gonna hurt?
Over a decade of physical abuse as just a little child, having a very serious heart condition that derailed my life and involved lots of time in the hospital, being home-insecure and bordering in and out of homelessness when I was first starting in my career, moving a tra-jillion times, changing jobs a whole bunch (as a freelancer), even other sexual assaults (e.g. being raped in college and having my genitals grabbed on the subway). I’m sure we could add even more to this list, but you get the gist.
I think you could say, “Dang. You’ve been through so much, everything should roll off your back now.” But I also think it’s possible that it’s like, “Oh my gosh, I can never actually rest, or breathe easy, or be safe. Ever. Even when I finally reach the point where I think I finally will, somebody comes along and takes that safety away. And that feels like a lot.”
I don’t want a pity parade for my past. It all just is what it is. I have had tons of privilege, and we could make a giant list of all the good. But it doesn’t take away some really stressful, and some kinda traumatic experiences.
And I think to some extent, it’s possible that they all kind of started to catch up with me – especially once I had thought I’d found the key to ending them for good, with a dream education (at BMI), and a stable job/income (/my dream job at The Nightly Show), and all that, blah blah blah. You’ve heard it.
Also, not only do we have to take my whole life into account, we should take into account what was happening at the time.
It was a very stressful time. Between trying to handle my new job – that was being created for me, so there was a lot of figuring out what to do there, and my new school (with assignments and such), and moving all the way across the country, and saying goodbye to people I really cared for in California, and just all of this and more… It was like I was rollerblading and then someone handed me things to juggle, and then they set those things on fire, and then they put me on a moving surface…
Everything is handle-able on its own. Together it’s a lot. Still maybe handleable, but oof, is it hard.
But then, somebody shoves you, and you fall.
If you fell doing any one of those things by itself, you might be able to dust yourself off like normal. When you fall doing all of them together, you’ve broken your leg, and you’re on fire, and you’re bleeding from one of your juggling apparati. You’re in trouble.
So, that’s the best explanation I have for why I think I was so affected.
I don’t know. I’m not a professional, and brains are never 100% clear, even to professional brain people. Humans are complicated and confusing. But it’s the best answer I got.
[This is a post from the sexual assault series.]