[This is from the sexual assault series.]
I still have things to say about sexual assault, and BMI, and my time in New York, and all this stuff…
A lot of it already sort of exists in some form, but I’ve been either too sad or too lazy or too “busy” to put in all the final words of my posts and post them. So, I’m sorry that I don’t think I’ve been great about sharing/explaining/etc. to the best of my ability the effects of sexual assault on me, or my weirdly complicated relationship with New York….
But for now –
I’ve said a lot (whether here, or in my head, or to my friends, etc.) that I’m really sad that everything went down at the point in my life when it did, because all these wonderful dreams were coming true.
I finally got to live in midtown on the island of Manhattan. I finally got to work on a political comedy show I was really proud of. And I finally got into BMI. Everything was exactly what I wanted…
Yet, I felt like I didn’t totally enjoy a lot of it… I mean, I did… I did the best I could… But I had trouble even kind of experiencing some of it, because I was distracted a lot, and sick kind of often, and just dealing with the effects of PTSD and everything. Barely anything even felt real.
It was like I just was numb and couldn’t really feel anything…
And that was one of the saddest parts to me – “How am I not truly feeling the best time of my life?”
And now… here we are again.
I’m not just living in midtown, I’m living in a better part of midtown! I’m in Times Square – like I dreamed of since I was a girl. I’m also working on The freaking DAILY SHOW – a show I’ve been watching since I was a teenager. And now I’m working on it! And, I (supposedly, fingers crossed), am supposed to get to go back to BMI in the fall (assuming I think I can handle it, and that I can actually get out early enough on Mondays at work to make it there).
I’m getting everything I wanted before all over again.
I’ve talked before about how it used to feel, sometimes throughout my life, like New York was kind of kicking me out – how every time I dug my heels in and said I wanted to stay, a show would be cancelled and I wouldn’t be able to get a job, or any number of things would happen – and inevitably things would aaalways open up in California – which I’m grateful for! It’s nice that life would work out anywhere.
But nonetheless, I’d be like, “Dang! The universe seems to really be pushing me out of New York and toward California, like, hardcore.”
And I’d always try to come back, “You don’t understand, universe! I’m supposed to be in New York!”
And even when aaaall the puzzle pieces started fitting together perfectly – the dream job, a good apartment, all of that – it seems like it still wasn’t gonna work out.
And yet, here we are. I found practically the perfect apartment. A job at The Daily Show fell out of the sky when I checked my email while in Belgium, and someone had recommended me.
The universe that seemed to be kicking me out maybe seems to be welcoming me back in?
Whether I can accept that welcoming or not remains to be seen. Whether it all actually works out now, who knows?
But if I can’t figure out a way to feel happy, and welcome, and safe, and comfortable (and ecstatic) here in New York like this, with this set-up… then I don’t know how good the chances are that I ever could.
So, I guess we’ll see!