Here’s another post on recovery.
This is just a random thing I’m noticing. I don’t think I have a grand point with this post. But, if you’re interested in some randomness, here’s something I’ve noticed (for me, at least)…
When I first started doing so poorly and was barely functional in life anymore, it felt like my entire range of emotions just moved down.
Like, you know, we all feel sadness. We all feel joy. And I used to totally believe and think that I had a wide range of emotions – that I could feel a very intense amount of joy, and I could also feel very deep sadness. I thought I was on a full 1 – 100 scale – capable of all emotions in the way I thought everyone else felt them.
I didn’t realize even my deepest sadness and despair did not actually go to the bottom of the scale. I maybe used to feel like 25 – 95 before. And then, in dealing with the fallout from being assaulted, it felt like the bottom dropped out and I could feel sadness all the way down to 5.
And it felt like my whole entire range moved. If I was 25 – 95 before, I became 5 – 75.
Looking at those numbers, it seems crazy to think I could’ve even felt all the way up to a 75. (I was so sad; come on!) But, I remember there was joy in the sadness. There were moments of goodness. Maybe I never felt all the way up to a full 75, but at least to like a 67 or something… So, anyway, it felt like my entire range just shifted down, but generally stayed the same (even if I mainly lived in the sad zone).
And one of the weird parts of getting better, for me – at least, for now – is that it feels like my ceiling is getting much higher. When I feel joy, it’s getting back closer to those levels of maybe 89 or 90. But when I’m having a reeeeally bad day, when it’s nightmare time, it feels like I’m back all the way down to a 5 again.
And I don’t live in that area so much anymore. Even if I have one of those days, it used to be that I would be at a 5 until I went to therapy again. But now, I can at least move to a 45 to get through the day. I have yet to break out in tears randomly at my desk in the middle of a workday at my current job. So, that’s cool.
Anyway, it just feels slightly odd to me how I thought the range would just move back up the way it moved down. Instead, it feels like it’s just expanded. The floor stayed where it felt, but the ceiling rose.
And I don’t know how I feel about that, if it’s good or bad, if it will stay that way, or what. But that’s where I am right now.