I haven’t talked all that much about therapy on here. For the most part, for me, it’s felt like one of the few things I’d prefer to keep private.
I can’t not tell you about today’s session!
There’s been an upswing in how I’m doing lately, and a couple of things (that sorry(!) I can’t talk about) have really solidified that upswing. And today’s therapy session was magical.
I’ve had good therapy sessions before. I’ve had “breakthroughs” and I’ve had days that have looked brighter. But this felt different – and even she thought so. She told me this didn’t feel like just one of the “good days,” but that I felt more grounded today. And I felt it too!
I talked about how the world was becoming clearer again.
And she had this great imagery. I’d said before that it was like this glass wall between me and the world. I felt just like I couldn’t touch anyone. And she floated the idea that it also kind of felt like there was a filter on that glass – so not only could I not get out to the world, I couldn’t even see it for what it really was.
And then there was a magical secret door.. and it kept cracking open just a little. Group therapy, it cracks open eeeeeeever so slightly. Even getting a long-term job in NY again (and one that lets me do BMI for that matter!) so that my base worries are taken care of… it cracks open a little more. Even my trip to Spain, I think help. All these tiny things, all these small victories, everything that cracked that door open more and more – sometimes even imperceptibly.
And then a few things happened over this past break that just blew the door open.
And it is just shocking. It’s like “what on earth?!” Oh my goodness gracious. I can breathe! Look how lovely it is out here. Holy goodness.
My therapist and I laughed and had a wonderful time in therapy today.
And that doesn’t mean I’m just *click* magically better immediately. I even had a nightmare just this week. And they are soooo few and far between now, but they happen. So, I still have *some* things to work out. And relationships that have felt strain don’t just get magically better in a hot second. We’ll see how the future goes. But by golly, we’ve hit a milestone.
Speaking of relationships and stuff, one of the things I said was that if I am stepping out of that class case I thought I was in, it feels like looking back that there’s all this trash along the bottom – like the relationship issues I had while being insufferable or just not ring able to handle people. And she said that’s the final part of trauma therapy – that mourning phase for that stuff, and the looking back at it and making sense of the last year. But that that is the final chapter! We’re making it to the end of the book!
I just thought I would never get better. And I even talked about that with my therapist today. I was like “I thought this day would never come. But you always thought it would, didn’t you?” And she said, “I didn’t think it. I knew it.”
She told me there’s this quote from The West Wing about trauma and how you feel like you’re in a hole and different people walk by. And someone throws a rope, but you still can’t get out. And someone says “just climb!” But there’s no easy way. And then someone jumps down into the hole with you and says “here, I know the way out. Let’s go together.” And she’s really been that for me.
And then I told her how incredibly hard that must be to always be rescuing people from holes. And she said it was such a privilege and then we cried a little. And I’m crying now.
I feel so happy. And I feel so very free! 👧🏻
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be dancing down the streets of NY – yes, out on the very streets that became scary – dancing to Kesha’s “Woman.”