One of the things I’ve sort of struggled with a bit in therapy is that if my therapist is being calm and empathetic and understanding, when trying to explain to me how neurons are wired differently growing up as a survivor of abuse – how the way I grew up informs things (even in the now) that I didn’t even realize, a lot of times, I’m quick to think, “No excuses!”
As in – we’re grown ups, so we all have to just magically burst through whatever happened to us in childhood and “be better” now – just poof, just like that.
And I’m not saying we should excuse behavior. It shouldn’t be like, “Oh, it’s totally cool that that person’s a jerk because [whatever personal tragedy befell them].”
But I do think it’s okay to say like, “Man, I have really noticed myself snapping at people [or some other behavior I don’t like]. I should bring that in, and talk about it” – and then really talk about it.
Of course, there are times and places for self-reflections. Sometimes you just gotta live out in the world as best you can. Sometimes, in the last year and a half, if I’ve been overly-anxious in a situation with a lot of people after having PTSD from being sexually assaulted, I’ve felt that I came off a little rude to this or that person, as I just sort of kept my head down and got quiet.
And sometimes I’ve thought, “I wish they knew I was trying my best, or that I’m dealing with this or that, or that it took really a lot of work just to come outside today… I wish they knew that I’m not super actively trying to avoid all people at all times forever and always. I just, today, sadly, can’t handle any more than this.”
But you can’t put that all on a t-shirt, and you can’t really tell all that to some random stranger that you thought you were maybe slightly rude to in a short interaction.