I’m… Afraid(?)… Of New York

August 5, 2017

It’s weird, right?

I never thought of New York as “scary” before. So many people from the midwest used to ask me if it was scary, because I think sometimes in movies it’s portrayed that way. But I always felt safer in New York than many other places.

It can be a little scary to come come back to a dark neighborhood when I’m staying with my parents. No one’s around! Someone could be in that tall bush! This looks like how a bunch of Criminal Minds episodes start! Whereas, in New York, it’s always lit (in both the literal and colloquial sense haha. People are around…

So, I never thought of it as scary.

And I was assaulted by someone I knew. It wasn’t a stranger on the subway. It was the person I maybe even thought I knew best, as a new person here.

So… I maybe shouldn’t be afraid of just the city, right? But I am.

My brain has crossed some wire somewhere and I am afraid.

I don’t go to a lot of things. I don’t wanna be spending time with all those scary New Yorkers, or whatever, I guess…

I basically don’t take the subway, unless I ride with someone I know. (And isn’t that actually weird or ironic or something? Someone I knew hurt me and now I’m like, “I’ll only do this thing I’m irrationally scared of if someone I know comes with me.)

I’m pretty darn scared of the subway.

Sexual assault guy and I did have a ride on the subway once where he was making me very uncomfortable. and I remember thinking, “You’re overreacting. You’re fine. He’s not being so intimidating as to cross a line. Maybe you’re just taking it that way.”

I was trying to calm myself down on the whole ride from Brooklyn to Manhattan. And it was very shortly after that that he assaulted me. And I think they run together in my head a little.

They’re not reeeeeally super related… I guess except for the fact that maybe I think I should’ve seen it coming because he was so intimidating on the subway. And “if only, if only, if only…”

But anyway, that subway ride runs through my mind kind of a lot (ish). It’s one in the long list of things that i thought, “if *only* this or that,” maybe this wouldn’t have happened. And now I’m weirdly scared of the subway.

And I’m kind of scared of the city. And it’s all weird. Yeah, that’s it. It’s just weird… It’s uncomfortable. I hope eventually I can figure out a way to change it.

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?