So. Many. Posts.
So hard to know what order to do some of them in, but anyway here’s one – even though I do have others that will be talking about recovery (from a year of trauma therapy and sexual assault and all of that, in case you happened to find this out of nowhere and are new here).
Being “better” or “reasonably better,” at least really is a weird feeling… I feel like I hear the phrase “picking up the pieces” a lot after a tragedy of any kind, and I think I kinda get it fuller now…
Because it feels like over the last year, like if my whole life were this gorgeous room, that it had been traaaashed – just totally, stuff is EVERYwhere. Vases, dishes, anything breakable – it’s all broken – shards of glass are all over the floor.
There are rips and tears all over the furniture. Things to not look good.
Is it all sexual assault guys fault? Did he do this whole thing to me? Or is it my fault for not handling this better (or other reasons). Or is it a mix of a lot of different things?
At this point, for this specific post, I don’t think it matters too too much what percentage of what made my life feel like this. It just matters that the couch is ready to be reupholstered.
The couch, the dishes, all this stuff – it’s all the different things that make me me. It’s my dream, passions, desires, work, fitness, ethics, (volunteer stuff), hobbies, relationships, all of it. Anything you can imagine that is a part of me/my life is in there.
And so, some things seem more easily salvageable than others… like huh, this pillow just has a little stain. Let’s get a Tide pen or something.
Everything feels like it will take work, but some seem like they’ll take less than others, at least.
And picking up the pieces is a weird feeling. It used to feel all the time like “how will I even get through the day?” And now, it’s cool to be able to start to think about other things. But it’s also quite overwhelming to think about how much work has to go into some of those things.
Friendships that were strained aren’t magically okay when I’m better. My muscles don’t just immediately have the same memory/strength for workouts I loved. It’s cool to be in the “last stage” of this trauma recovery. But I can totally see it’s gonna come with its own unique set of problems. So, I guess let’s get cleaning up that room.