…A little bit.
You may be wondering why it kinda felt like, “whoa! Aurora’s seeming better. I think she must be getting over sexual assault stuff and moving forward,” and then, “Wait. But she’s still talking about it so much again. Why?”
I think it’s a few different things…
I think trying to wrap up stuff in therapy is just kinda making me think about some new things, and we’ve hit a couple of new nerves. And for the time being, it’s all just kinda on my mind-ish…
I also think that now that I’m fairly actually to a place where I even have the ability to sit and write sometimes instead of just cry into my pillow forever, it’s good. But it means I have so many posts to catch up on – so you all might be feeling that now.
But more than anything else, I think the reason it feels at least a little like in some ways, sometimes, I might be backsliding is because it’s getting closer and closer every day to going back to the program where this all started.
And that’s very exciting, but of course also kind of terrifies me.
This guy was such a strong representation of that place to me. He’s the one who kind of pulled me in once I got there, which I think is partially what made it feel so normal(ish) that he could just push me out… I dunno. It all just felt like it happened so fast.
And I felt so anxious around there after everything went down with him…
And to imagine that I can go back and that all of the very painful memories won’t be there… It’s hard to imagine that.
I do keep telling myself that I have to think of it at least a little bit like I did the first time…
I have to find the joy – the excitement to perform again, to write, to make some music. How lucky am I that I get to be a part of that?
Really, exceptionally lucky.
I also try to remind myself – what is the worst case scenario? I think that basically the worst case scenario is that it is too much. I’m too anxious. I can’t take it. And I leave, for good this time.
It’d be sad. But hopefully not world ending. It’s not prison. I don’t have to stay. I plan with every fiber of my being to stay. But life goes on, no matter what.
It is devastating to me what happened. And I understand why it can be very easy to get into a serial of being nervous to go back. But it will be a new experience.
And sure, I wish I were at a 105% feeling (I know not technically possible, but go with me) on my scale of feeling like me again rather than like a 78 or so…
78 is so much better than being in the 20s, which is almost certainly where I was before. But I’d come into BMI at a 105. I wish I could be there now. But I have no more time. I’ve deferred as long as I can. And also I can’t keep wasting my life. So, I have to hope that a 78 can be good enough, and that a 78 can turn into a 105 pretty soon.
Of course it’s not the perfect scenario. And I’m allowed to feel nervous. But will try to keep perspective on this. I can’t compare it to how it “used” to be or how I “want” it to be. It’ll be whatever it is, and I’ll do whatever I can to make it as awesome as it can be…
We’ll see pretty soon!