It Still Hurts To Think About What Was “Supposed” To Be, Or Could’ve Been…

August 23, 2017

[I’m trying to do all the rest of the back posts! Here’s one from the drafts folder!]

I have a number of posts [some to come from back posts still] about moving on and being able to let go of what was “supposed” to be, or what “could” have been.

As has been discussed, this sexual assault experience happened as my “welcome” to New York. I had a lot of dreams for what my life would be like here. And then it felt like the city got scary, it felt like I was pushed away from the people most likely to be my new friend group, as I felt I was kinda pushed out of school. There are a lot of regrets and sadness that surround my feelings with how my life changed during what was expected to be the best change of my life to date.

And I say that one of the most important things is moving on, and letting go of all ideas of what was “supposed” to be or what “should” be… And I have even seen – not just in examples from the world, but in my own life (after heart surgery) that life can go on fully and beautifully and wonderfully – even when it deviates from the plan.

So, I know, I know, I know that I say that. And I try to internalize it. And I know one of the biggest, most important parts of healthily moving forward is to let go.

But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m decorating my office with a bunch of pictures that I love and when I opened up the envelope of photos… I forgot I’d ordered the one from my last day of my improv class in Los Angeles (right before moving to New York).

And I just saw all the hope (and some of the exhaustion even). And I had this really grand idea of what it was all “supposed” to be.

And it was nothing like that.

And sometimes that still just kinda pierces my heart. I’m getting a little better about starting to let that idea go, and looking at new ones… But, every once in a while, it just hits me. Bam!

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?