My goodness gracious, I am freaking out about going back to school. I’m not 100% sure what the deal is with whether he’ll be around or not. I mean, I’ve heard some stuff through the grapevine, but I don’t know.
I was thinking about how when I’m in that community (the one I want to be in(!) of musical theater people), sometimes I feel like I’m in his shadow. I mean, he’s not famous or anything, and yet sometimes it still feels like everybody knows him.
And it just feels like he’s there, casting this shadow over my life when I’m in “his” world – which should kinda rightfully be my world too, after all, I got in too. I’m the one who works in the entertainment industry. I’m the one who’s in Equity… To some extent, it should almost be more my world than his world!
But it doesn’t feel that way.
And I was thinking about how I usually feel best when I step out of the shadow hanging over me. When I go back to “my” world (Los Angeles), things are grand. How great it is not to live in a shadow.
I don’t wanna give up my New York world that I rightfully earned – even if it feels like it is in shadow!
And I don’t really think this is how light works – that you can literally shine brighter than a shadow. However, I’m gonna go with it anyway. Even in totality, the sun shone around that eclipse. (Yeah, I know the eclipse references should be done and over right now, but I’m taking one more.)
I need to learn to shine SO bright, to do so well, to be so joyous, so happy, so fearless, that I just shine brighter and brighter until I don’t even see the shadow there.
(I think this is probably backward, because to create a shadow, the brightness (me?) shines on the other thing to make a shadow. So, I don’t know how we’re getting shadows from his black hole (which is unrelated to shadows, but dark and void-y…). Anyway.
I’m just telling myself I have to shine brighter than the shadow. And I may not totally know what that means, but I’m still gonna try.