I don’t mean toward my abuser or anything. This isn’t a post about “just love the people who treat you poorly.”
I do better when I love forward.
Recently, I’ve been doing better in the times I’ve been able to try to figure out what I can do for someone else, rather than spiraling about me/my life. (I won’t say it’s happened a ton in the last year, but it’s been happening more lately. And when it happens at all, it’s a joy)!
I think this is probably always the case – that we feel better when we are doing things for other people – whatever that means, however we are capable… Whether it be donating, volunteering, maybe even just being a good friend taking a real interest and remembering/asking what people are up to.
And of course, I generally know that – which is why in the short aftermath after all this, one of the first things I did was try to have dinner/coffee/hangouts with people I knew. And I also went to some volunteer activities.
…And I felt like an empty box. I wasn’t reeeeeeally there.
I felt so many things at kinda the start of all this (and really throughout this journey). And one of the things I felt the most was distracted. I couldn’t concentrate to save my life. I had to re-read things over and over. Same with listening to podcasts (or really anything). I couldn’t listen, and I couldn’t retain.
And sometimes, going out and seeing other humans made me feel even worse, because it felt like I was actively not being there – like maybe I was hurting someone’s feeling by kind of looking through them as they talked, not having the ability to really focus, no matter how hard I tried.
So, for that (and some other reasons of fear and such), I kind of walled myself off in my room, for the most part. And now that life is becoming more livable, I’m starting to have some desire and excitement for really living, out in the world, again (with other humans and stuff).
I don’t wanna get too crazy gung-ho too fast. I feel like I can (metaphorically) walk again, but my legs are still pretty wobbly. So, I’m not gonna commit to any long-term things right now. (E.g. I’m not gonna say I’ll volunteer at some place every week for a year.)
But I am interested in dipping my toe into the pool at the very least. The idea is percolating – and I love the fact that I can daydream and get excited about doing things again. I like that!
(And I look forward to keep loving forward and moving forward, as well as I can, whenever I can!)
[This is a post from the series on sexual assault.]