I think about this sometimes… The differences/lines between fixating/healing/fighting/understanding/while moving on/all-of-the-above and more.
Sometimes it feels like what am I still doing talking about him? We started talking about him, about 10 1/2 ish months ago… There were small mentions of him and what happened before that, but we started, in earnest (on this blog), this giant deep dive about not just him, but assault and abuse and me and healing and therapy and all of it, about 10 1/2 months ago. (I’m hoping to wrap it all up (at least blog-wise) by the end of the month… So we won’t spend one full year on this… And even saying that seems like oh so much.)
One thing i think about is how, all the time, people point out that it seems crazy for Donald Trump to still be talking about Hillary. YOU’RE THE PRESIDENT. Enjoy the win, buddy. [Note: Obviously, he’s not actually my buddy. I was just using a phrase. Always staunchly #NeverTrump over here, of course.]
Aaaaaanyway, I think about these people who focus on enemies – enemies they do not have to worry about. Donald Trump is the one with all the power. He could never worry about Hillary again and focus all of his energy on all the stuff he cares about (since he has all the power!), just, as I am positive, Hillary would’ve done.
So, I think about some people maybe reading this and thinking, “why is she still talking about him? She left her school. He’s not a part of her life anymore… He doesn’t have power of her. Why is she complaining?”
But think about that. I left school. That means he has power if I felt I had to go. I purposefully don’t see some people who were becoming my friends because they were his friends first, or they know him better. That’s power. And I have to just let go of some of those losses, and navigate the world as it is now for me. But me having to navigate things differently is kind of a tiny example of his power.
And I feel like part of what makes it so hard to get over this whole thing is that it still feels like I don’t have any power…
So, what are the power dynamics with me and sexual assault guy? It still feels like he has power. But is that really true?
An abusive relationship is in large part defined by one person having the power over the other person. The dynamics are off. And he had the power in ours. He was intimidating and very rigid in his views of women (especially women he was with romantically-ish, and how they were to act around him), etc. He had the power, and he liked to remind me in every tiny way, every chance he got.
So, I think that to some extent, no matter what, it’s hard to feel power after that… I almost put “powerful” there (instead of the word “power,” because I think that’s more grammatically correct. But that doesn’t necessarily feel right. I don’t wanna feel *puts on huge and echoing voice* poooowerful [muuuuaaaahahahahaha Jafar-as-Genie-type-laugh]
I don’t want to out-power him. I don’t wanna ruin his life or anything. I guess I just wanna feel safe and secure, basically, in every way. That’s kinda, sorta all I really want.
And I definitely felt way pushed out by him before – of my life, of school, of my social circle. As I talked about on here, even as I tried to build a new one, it felt like he was everywhere (because sometimes the world is too small).
Now, what he did was logical. Why would he want to make me, the person he assaulted (twice), feel like I’m welcome in any part of his world (even though it’s supposed to be my world too!)? But I get it. He don’t want anyone seeing who he really is, or what he did (…has done to more than one person). So, he pushes me (and the girls before me too) out of his sphere… and sometimes that’s being pushed out of our sphere too!
That’s the past. (The recent past, that still somewhat affects me, but the past nonetheless.) What does it all mean now? I *thiiink* I waited him out, as far as BMI goes. I’m pretty sure he’s done, and therefore won’t be around this year.
I know even if he’s “not really there,” that he knows a lot of people, but I’m holding out hope that I don’t have to see him, and we just generally get to stay away from each other. [But as I said earlier, he seemed inescapable for awhile. So, here’s hoping this upcoming year is better, as far as that is concerned!]
Also, let’s really put his power in perspective. (This is the stuff I have to tell myself. And I’ll get into it tomorrow.)