Picking up from yesterday –
How I calm myself down a little when I think about this stuff…
Okay, so he’s kinda well-connected to some up-and-comers. But does he really – really – have any *flashes biceps, big voice* power?
He’s never had a show on Broadway (or even close). He certainly doesn’t run BMI, or teach there. There’s no reason he’d be on my judging panel of whether I get into advanced (unless a lot changes in the next two years).
Could he keep me out of my own class? I guess, because we have some evidence to that. He did (to some extent). (To soooome extent, I guess it was also me, because I could’ve tried to bond closer with classmates sooner so that I wouldn’t feel so pushed out, but I had no idea there was a giant timetable on that, and that I was fighting for survival.)
But now, with him not around BMI every week anymore, can he keep my out of my new class? (I hope not!) Will he still know some people in my class from the various billions of events he goes to in New York? He might. (He probably will.)
But I’m just hoping that I’m separated enough from him that hopefully I never see him, and never have to hear about him, and will hopefully also never really talk about him. [I know that might seem silly that I’m hoping to never talk about him, when I’ve talked about him so much here… But, talking, on this blog, about my struggles of dealing with all of this, to me, is different from having to talk about a specific named person to someone personally… My goal is not to let my life revolve around him or disliking him. And maybe that seems counterintuitive, or silly, based on how much I’ve talked about this ordeal on the blog. But to me, there is a difference between active, “I am trying to get over this. This is how the despair feels now. This is what I’m learning about abuse. This is how I’m trying to move on. Goodness this is hard,” and documenting a climb vs. only “talking $h*t about someone, being known as the girl who just hates [*insert name here*] all day. Maybe it’s too much of a nuanced distinction. But I’m certainly hoping to never talk about him with my new BMI crowd if I can avoid it. Anyway…]
Sometimes, I think about the way he talks about the other girl he assaulted, and other girl he seemingly emotionally abused (like a loooooot), and I get scared he’s gonna talk about me the same way. That’s not a crazy fear. It’s totally within his pattern of behavior. But, again, how special do I think I am? I mean, yes, he loves to talk about people. But is he still talking about me a year and a half later? (I mean, he was talking about other women who “wronged him” [he almost certainly actually abused them] at least over two years later… So, maybe.]
It’s like, there’s some reasons to be slightly paranoid. He is so good at manipulating people. He manipulated me, and he kept me away from people. He’s such a good talker. So, all of that’s true, but by the same token, I’m probably a little too paranoid as far as my true threat level goes.
I would suuuuuper bet tons of money that he has badmouthed me to some people I know, and also probably some people I’d really like to know. If people listen to him (and, as we know, he is good at getting people to listen), then yes, there is potentially a group of people I will never really know or get to know any better, or see any more, since it happened. There might be a relatively small group of people who could’ve been great additions to my life who just poof – are now reeeeally probably not going to be in my life, or on my team, or people I might get to create things with (unless things really change, and life is long, and anything’s possible, I guess.. but there is a small roadblock now).
But, all of that long-windedness (sorry) being said, I don’t think I’m cut off from every single musical theater person in all of New York. I don’t even think he is that well-connected quite honestly. I mean, he’s connected, sure. But there’s no way he’s blacklisting me from all of theater. He don’t have that power. I don’t know that anyone has that power.
And I’ll wrap this up (in hopefully a more coherent way) tomorrow!