Power Dynamics – (Why Are You Still Worried About This/Him?) – Part 3 (All I Can Do)

September 6, 2017

Picking up from yesterday –

When the wheels start spinning, let’s slow ’em down and get in to logic!

If we wanna think about things logically here (which we should – reality is our friend)…

There’s someone I interned for a million years ago when I first started college who’s WAY more well-connected (like way, way more). The internship went great overall. But, in a story way too long for this post, it ended kinda poorly. Not suuuuper super suuuuper poorly, but like in a pretty not awesome way, and I thought that sadly kind of eclipsed the many many months of awesomeness before.

Ultimately I was a college student who just couldn’t stay any longer for a number of various reasons with money and school and life (and soon after, found out I had a giant heart problem, so I wouldn’t have been able to stay anyway, though of course none of us knew that at the time)….

But, anyway, I kinda hope there are no actual hard feelings about all that now (especially since it’s like 400,000 years later). But maybe there are! I don’t know! It was never beautifully resolved or anything. And it sure ended on a sour note.

So, if I’m gonna be scared of someone, maybe I should be scared of him! Or any other “powerful” person I’ve ever embarrassed myself in front of, or made angry, or had a misstep with.

Logic would dictate there are other things and other people who could hurt me more, even if feels like sexual assault guy will hurt me more.

And, you could argue that to some extent, he could hurt me more in the sense that at this very point in my career, I’m not generally running with giant big time composers or producers. So, even if you wanna say that the guy I interned for could keep me away from them (which I so highly doubt he would care to at all – but even if we wanna go there and just imagine that…), what would it even matter right this second, since those big time people don’t even know who I am?

And how am I ever gonna get there, if I can’t do any up-and-comer-stuff? And how am I gonna do any up-and-comer stuff if sexual assault guy  – who knows some of the gatekeepers and participants in a bunch of the up-and-comer stuff – is trying to keep me out of all that?

I think, ultimately (kinda obviously) worrying is not gonna get me much of anywhere. I think kinda one of the only things I can do is just try to be the best me I can be – just try be a good person. Be good to people. Write some good music. Enjoy my life. I can’t control what sexual assault guy says… If he does convince people I’m “crazy,” (or whatever it is he likes to say about women, especially women he’s assaulted), then I guess(?) so be it. I can only hope I can get to know them (and then hopefully actually not act crazy, especially considering how crazy I’ve felt after being assaulted).

Ultimately, if BMI doesn’t work out because he somehow is too ingrained there (even though, again, I don’t think he’s nearly as ingrained as I’m worrying about. Think of all the people that churn through there – even basically almost every one of the most involved people leave within a certain number of years)… But if BMI doesn’t work out there, I went to college (and high school!) with people who work on Broadway. I went to one of the best music colleges in the world (that I could go back to anytime). BMI is not the only way in. The people he knows are not the only people in the whole industry.

Even though it’s scary, and even though I feel very powerless at times, as Walt Disney said, you have to “keep moving forward.”

There is a space for me.

It may not be the exact one I imaged, in the exact way I imagined. It may involve BMI being magical. It may not. But there is a space somewhere for me, and the music I wanna make, and the things I have to say. There is a space for me to work and thrive.

It might not be the fastest, easiest, or most comfortable path, or the one I thought I would take, or the one I was pretty sure I wanted. But there is a space. And I just need to believe that, and keep working until I find it – not keep hiding away and letting life pass me by. I mean a real space of my own that I fill and enjoy and thrive in. (I hope!)

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?