This is something we talked about in therapy today that I found really helpful! I don’t know if you will find it helpful (if you’re going through it yourself), or interesting (if you’re not), but just in case, here’s my thoughts from today:
There are many things that don’t always make 100% sense to me from my time with him.
I feel like when any of us start to get intimately involved with someone, they could ultimately want so many different things: just sex, or a monogamous companionship, or a future family, or an open thing, or a million other options here.
But usually they want something… even if they’re trying to figure out what they want, it still involves wanting sex and/or love and/or friendship and/or something to do with your equal relationship with the other person (no matter what the dynamics of that relationship turn out to be).
And I totally understand that people are confusing sometimes – whether on purpose or accident, or even just because they’ve changed their minds and confused themselves too!
But this – this was so far outside of the realm of just normal relationship bumps… He’d change on a dime… going from being obsessed with me –
[Side note: yes, I see the irony that I blog about him almost every day now… I see the nuanced difference in that if you want to use that word about me, I am “obsessed” with getting better, learning about abuse and assault and my brain and sexism and PTSD, and how to cope and move on, and understand… I’m not actually obsessed with him right now. I don’t even really have any kind of sense at all as to what he’s up to in life. And I don’t know that I super care, or at least in the moment that I’m writing this, I’m feeling calm and centered and definitely don’t care… Anyway, now that that side note’s been taken care of! :-)…]
Anyway from obsessed with me… not just like a cutesy new relationship, but like a scary needing to account for every minute of your day to him kinda thing to all of a sudden giving me the total cold shoulder, from being SO into super sex moves to deciding instead not to do them once he found out I’d be into them (which I thought was the point of telling me about stuff he liked in the first place?… buuuuut no)… From treating me like an object to acting like I was the best thing since sliced bread… Over and over this cycle of confusion…
And as I’ve mentioned before, there was always this moving of goalposts. If he wanted one thing and I gave it to him, he’d then want something else. And on and on and on. He was un-pleasable.
And one of the things we talked about today was that it’s impossible to understand what he wants if you frame it in any of the things people want out of normal, healthy relationships – no matter what those goals might be.
He wasn’t actually ever interested in sex, or intimacy (which he seemed super obsessed with), or companionship, or friendship, or anything along those lines. He was only interested in power.
Full stop. That’s it.
And then everything falls into place. That easily makes sense of why he’d change on a dime and want different things.. He’s un-pleaseable because that is part of keeping power. I can’t ever officially fully please him. If I give him all the sex he wants, he wants different sex. If I’m more than willing to give him that, he wants a break from sex completely – no sex. then if I don’t want sex because I’m uncomfortable or feel unsafe, well in that case, he must have it… Because it is literally not about sex at all.
Same with everything else. If I don’t really wanna hold his hand, it becomes more important to him that we do hold hands. And on and on with every single thing for the rest of time. Whatever I’m giving, he doesn’t want. Whatever I’m not giving, he’s gotta have.
Not to say that some people don’t act like this sometimes. Many people play some games or have some streak of stubbornness.
But his overarching main goal in his relation to me was just to have power. He. wanted. power. That was his main (and maybe only?) goal.
I don’t even know what else to say. I was gonna try to end this blog post with some conclusion or piece of understanding new information, but it’s been said. He wanted power. That’s all there is to it. And when you think about it in that context, everything that seemed not to make sense suddenly falls into place.
(And when you start to blame yourself, you remember there’s nothing you could’ve done (for real), because he had to always be changing expectations to keep you on your toes. Because he. must. have. power. That is what defines him. (And sadly he (or at least this experience) then sooorta kinda defined me for a while… (maybe even still?)