I went to Hillary Clinton’s book signing this morning, which was lovely for a number of reasons.
(We’ll probably get into them tomorrow.) I am so unbelievably tired. (Oh goodness gracious have I been up for a lot of hours.) But I was so happy about this I wanted to share it…
I potentially could be wrong about this. But this felt like the first thing since the assault that both I truly went to for no other reason than I reeeeeally wanted to – I wasn’t trying to prove something this time around, or trying to go outside just to stop from crying or to seem normal or whatever. I went because I so wanted to… And, it didn’t become this incredibly hard situation where I got triggered or felt I wasn’t ready or was second-guessing every moment of it.
[I’ve had moments of goodness – maybe a great therapy session, or a really good day at work – normal times where I wanted to be there and it felt good within the totally normal things I do on a normal schedule), but as far as one long special event… I think this was the first.]
I remember doing some things I really wanted to do before – where I wasn’t trying to “prove” something. I just wanted to go. One example is when I went to the DNC afterparty after Hillary got her nomination. I wanted to go to that so badly. So, I did. And while I had a lot of fun, I also remember pushing through tears as Snoop rapped about sex… So many things having to do with sex were really triggering at the time. And I just cried.
There I was, living life, being spontaneous, having the best time… And boom. In what should’ve been one of the happiest and memorable nights, I found myself having to push SO hard to have a “normal” or “good” time.
And there were many things like that – that seemed fun and exciting, that I legit wanted to do, but that were painful for any number of reasons when I got there.
There were also some things I didn’t reeeeally super wanna do, but because they felt like “things Aurora would do,” or because I was trying to prove to myself I was better, I’d force myself out of the house when I was in a terrible place just to do it. And to some extent, I know it’s good to get out when you’re struggling. But there are some instances when i wish I would’ve just let myself struggle and have another sick day or something.
And to some extent I feel like I’ve gotten a little used to forcing myself to go to things. And it was nice to go to something that I wanted to go to. And it was so lovely when I was there to not freak out, or need to be so alone, or cry for no reason.
I had a bunch of conversations with a bunch of people. I only cried over the devastating “Making History” chapter in her book (something that made complete sense for where I was). I just was living and enjoying it.
(I mean, I didn’t dress up how I wanted. I’m still not totally back to normal, because I had a kind of overwhelmed (sooooorta trigger-y) day leading into all this when I was supposed to be getting all dolled up. So, I wasn’t dolled up and that part was a bummer. But if we can just forget, for now, how I look, then everything was pretty perfect.)
I don’t want to judge every interaction I have/thing I do for the rest of my life, like, “but is this how ‘Aurora’ is supposed to do this?” I mean, I’m Aurora. I’m not a mythical creature. I do things how i do them. So, this isn’t a mindset I wanna keep of “How ‘Aurora’ is this.”
But, for now… while we’re in the mindset (just for now)… I will say it felt so good to feel “like Aurora” – the first time I really did an “Aurora”-type thing – something everyone would expect me to do. And I really loved it with my full heart, basically without issue (wishing I’d been a little more functional the day before so I could look cuter, being the only one… but since we said forget that for now…)
It was so nice to be Aurora, to connect, to hear, to enjoy.
So, I guess this is what really getting better feels like!