I went to Hillary Clinton’s book signing this morning, which was lovely for a number of reasons.
(We’ll probably get into them tomorrow.) I am so unbelievably tired. (Oh goodness gracious have I been up for a lot of hours.) But I was so happy about this I wanted to share it…
I potentially could be wrong about this. But this felt like the first thing since the assault that both – I truly went to for no other reason than I reeeeeally wanted to (I wasn’t trying to prove something this time around, or trying to go outside just to try to stop from crying or whatever. I went because I soooo wanted to). And, it didn’t become this incredibly hard situation where I got triggered, or felt I wasn’t ready, or was second-guessing every moment of it.
[I’ve had moments of goodness – maybe a great therapy session, or a really good day at work – normal times where I wanted to be there (wherever I was), and it felt reasonably good within the totally normal things I do on a normal schedule), but as far as one different or special event… I think this was the first.]
I remember doing some things I really wanted to do before (but still in the aftermath of the assault) – where I wasn’t trying to “prove” something. I just wanted to go.
One example is when I went to the DNC afterparty after Hillary got her nomination. I wanted to go to that so badly. So, I did. And while I had a lot of fun, I also remember pushing through tears as Snoop rapped about sex… So many things having to do with sex were really triggering at the time. And I just cried.
There I was, living life, being spontaneous, having seemingly the best time… And boom. In what should’ve been one of the happiest and memorable nights, I found myself having to push SO hard to have a “normal” or “good” time.
And there were many things like that – that seemed fun and exciting, that I legit wanted to do at the time/in the moment, but that were painful for any number of reasons when I got there.
There were also some things I didn’t reeeeally super wanna do, but because they felt like “things Aurora would do,” or because I was trying to prove to myself I was “better,” I’d force myself out of the house when I was in a terrible place, just to do it.
And to some extent, I know it’s good to get out when you’re struggling. But there are some instances when I wish I would’ve just let myself struggle and have another sick day or something (because of course, going to something I dreaded when I was in a bad place didn’t usually turn into a fun night or good memory or anything cool).
And to some extent I feel like I’ve gotten a little used to forcing myself to go to things (because I’ve been trying SO hard to “be normal” again, and not always knowing how. So, I think I’ve done a lot of pushing myself – and semi-often in times when I probably shouldn’t have).
Anyway, it was wonderfully nice to go to something that I wanted to go to. And it was so lovely when I was there, to not freak out, or need to be so alone, or to cry for no reason.
I had a bunch of conversations with a bunch of people. I only cried over the devastating “Making History” chapter in her book (something that made complete sense to be looking at while there, and also to cry over). I just was living and enjoying my life/my night/the moment.
(I mean, I didn’t dress up how I wanted. I’m still not totally back to normal, because I had a kind of overwhelmed (sooooorta trigger-y) day leading into all this, when I would’ve considered getting all dolled up. So, I wasn’t dolled up, and that part was a bummer. But if we can just forget, just for now, how I look, then everything was pretty perfect.)
I don’t want to judge every interaction I have, or thing I do for the rest of my life with “but is this how ‘Aurora’ is ‘supposed’ to do this?” I mean, I’m Aurora. I’m not a mythical creature. I do things how I do them. So, this isn’t a mindset I wanna keep of “How ‘Aurora’ is this.”
But, for now… while we’re in the mindset (just for now, for a little while, ’cause I do still want to feel like “me” again, and what have you)… I will say it felt so good to feel “like Aurora” – the first time I really did an “Aurora”-type thing – something everyone would expect me to do – and I really loved it with my full heart, basically without issue (wishing I’d been a little more functional the day before, so I could look cuter, being the only one… but since we said forget that part…)
It was so nice to be Aurora, to connect, to hear, to enjoy.
So, I guess this is what really getting better feels like!
[This is part of the sexual assault series.]