I wrote a post in this same vein not all that long ago – how when so much of society questions survivors (and if what they went through was all “that bad” and all of that)… how in some ways (to me, at least) it almost feels weirdly sort of, kind of, counterproductive (as a survivor) to be okay.
It feels productive to my life, of course. And I’m stoked about being more functional and more okay. But for me, there has been this weird… I don’t know if it’s guilt, or what it is. But it just feels almost sort of like what if it’s the wrong “message,” like, “eh, she’s okay. It obviously wasn’t that big of a deal.”
But you know what? I really wasn’t okay. At all. I was barely functional – reeeeeeeeeeally not okay (as we’ve talked about a lot here on this blog).
But… what? I’m gonna be not okay forever? To what? Teach some random people somewhere in the world [who quite honestly won’t ever give a second thought to me after they judge my twitter, or blog, or whatever they’re reading] some kind of “lesson” they’re not even learning anyway?
I used to not have the choice to be okay, because it wasn’t an actual choice I could make… I had (have?) a true mental illness (PTSD) that kept me up with nightmares all the time, that sometimes made me jump if I was touched even a little, that made it so I could not concentrate on anything at all, and on and on. “Okay” seemed impossible for me.
I had to learn about my brain, and the effects of what happened, and coping tools. (I did a lot of therapy! And I read some books and all that.)
And now, for the most part, I am in a place where I can finally, I suppose, “choose” to be okay most of the time. It doesn’t mean I’ll never get triggered, or I’ll never have nightmares or days where I need a little space… But for the most part, I am in a healthy place, and for the most part, I have tools to deal with the days that I’m not.
And that’s such an amazing, wonderful, fantastic thing! I should be celebrating that 100% of the time, instead of ever wondering what that “looks” like.
I also sometimes worry about what I look like to sexual assault guy if he sees me or hears about me… [I know I shouldn’t worry about him. But he was a giant part of my brain/my life, and getting ready to go back to school, I think is bringing more thoughts up about him and such…]
Part of me wants to be doing so well in his eyes, because it’d be nice to try to prove “hey, I have value, and you can’t ruin me.”
But then there’s also a weird part of me that thinks that if he sees that I’m okay, he’ll think what he did wasn’t wrong, and/or didn’t affect me deeply. I don’t want him to think things are “fine” ever, as far as what he did, because there was nothing about it that was normal. And it’s really not fine.
But if I was still not okay, I also don’t think that would make him think for a second about his actions, or that maybe he affected my life in a negative way.
As with everything with him, there is no winning. If you’re happy, he’s not a bad guy. If you’re not happy, it has nothing to do with him. Or at least these seem like giant possibilities since the one thing I remember most about being with him was if you just exist, no matter how you do it, you’re doing it wrong.
The great, wonderful part of not being with him anymore, is that I don’t have to be controlled by him anymore. I can live however I want.
And he’ll think whatever he wants, or comment whatever he wants on it if/whenever he hears/thinks about me. And I just have to somehow find a way to stop worrying about him.
It is so incredible and amazing that I don’t have to worry about making him angry anymore! (That’s freaking freeing!) Sooooo… I should indeed stop worrying about it already!
If I do see him, I don’t actually know that I will be “okay” in his presence. The last time I accidentally saw a picture of him (because a mutual friend posted a group shot he was in and I ran across it), I cried and cried and felt like vomiting. [I thought of it as a win that I didn’t actually vomit that time, though!]
So, if I do run into him, no matter what my “plan” is of how I want to “seem,” it’ll just be whatever happens…
Ultimately though, I have fought so hard (so very very very very hard to be okay) that I want to embrace every single moment of okay-ness that I can ever have – no matter what anyone (sexual assault guy or anyone else) thinks about it.