Oh my goodness gracious.
I was going to say “wasted,” but I think you could argue that not all of the money I spent was a waste. But goodness, a fair amount of it was.
Before I get into this, I should mention that I am aware of my privilege. I’m aware it’s a privilege to have money to waste. I’m aware some people have much bigger money issues than this. I’m aware that I didn’t have to spend all this money that I did.
But this is the story of how this all affected me specifically. So, I’m telling my story, even though this part is brimming with some privilege. And if you don’t wanna read, that’s always totally fine, of course. But here we go.
1) Think. Of. All. The. Ubers. I. Took. [*makes giant, about-to-pop-out-of-my-face eyes*] I never felt like I had any energy…. I guess being incredibly depressed and seemingly never sleeping will do that to you. Also, I had a little bit of a fear of New York – didn’t wanna leave, but also didn’t really want to be here. So, I was just always in an uber. I can’t even begin to fathom (and I do not want to do the math on) how much money I spent on ubers and cabs.
2) Late fees. Ooooh, this is so embarrassing to admit… Because even though I like to think I’m this “understanding” or “caring” or whatever person who would feel empathy and “get it,” I don’t think that before this happened to me that I would’ve gotten it. I could totally imagine myself thinking, “I know you’re sad and all. But like, can’t you just pay your bills?”
But I wouldn’t go through mail. And if I had paperless statements, I wouldn’t go through email. And then I’d recognize that about myself and know that I needed to set up automatic payments for something, but if I’d lost my password to an account, I’d just give up. And they’d call me and be like, “where’s your payment for [this card, or that thing etc.]”? And most of the time I would have the money available, I just wouldn’t have the wherewithal to do the teeeeeny teeny tiny bit of work to pay a bill in 2017. I literally don’t even want to look at my credit score. How many late payments did I have this year? I don’t know. And I don’t want to know.
3) Vacations and/or just trips home to LA. There were so many times where it was like, “I just have to get out of here. I have to get out. I can’t be here.” And I understand that feeling. (I felt it soooo deeply in the depths of my bones.) But also, most of the time, I was just paying a bucket of money to go somewhere new to cry. Was that good for me? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe a little of both. Hard to say. Either way, it was a lot.
4) Deliveries. This sort of falls in line with uber trips. But I hated going outside. So, I had food, or groceries, or other things delivered all the time. And sometimes that makes sense in New York. (I live in a place where it’s easier to have groceries delivered than to go shop…. And it’s not super expensive to have that done.) But there are definitely times where it was excessive and not necessary – even though it felt necessary to the hungry girl who just felt she couldn’t leave her apartment.
5) House cleaning. I’ve always paid for housecleaning here and there – for real, actual cleaning… Because I never learned to “properly” clean a bathroom or a kitchen or whatever. The real cleaning has always been done by some sort of maid service… But the general picking up of my room? I’ve been able to do that! But not this time. I hired a service to come and organize my whole apartment because after I got stuff out of my storage unit, there was just stuff everywhere. I couldn’t get it together. Usually I love little organizing projects and stuff. But I was like, “I’m too overwhelmed. Help me out here.” And they were super helpful. But that’s multiple hundreds of dollars that in an alternate timeline, I wouldn’t have spent.
6) Missed details. There are times i had a coupon for something where it felt like way too much work to even find an email or a text or a whatever for a coupon code. There were also times where it felt like just too much work to even grab my frequent flier number.
Did this cost me a lot of money? Probably not. I know I flew a lot, but you gotta fly like a lot (I think?) to get frequent flier miles to count for something. Did little coupons here and there really make me miss out on tons of money? Probably not. Enough to where I’m including it, but it wasn’t as big of a deal as these other three things were.
7) Replacing stuff. I got a new bed. I even moved apartments (though that had to do with many things, not just him…) But replacing my bed with another expensive ass bed that was all just because of what happened with him. (There were some other smaller things too that I replaced because they reminded me too much of him or something he said, etc. Though obviously the bed – and the cost of disposing of my first bed – were the biggest things.)
So, I dunno. Again, other people have much bigger issues. I know I barely kept working, but some people can’t at all. I got free therapy. I had things better off than many. But goodness gracious did I still feel the weight of the money issues.
And as disappointing as all that is, it still isn’t magically fixed. As of the writing of this post, I still take ubers too often. I’m starting to get over my sort of fear of New York, and I’m starting to build back my fitness to hopefully stat walking way more (all the time). But I still get a little anxious about the subway. And I still take ubers way too often.
And I still haven’t set up all of my bills for automatic payments. I don’t have that whole thing under control to where I’m confident I have either automatic payments set up or reminders on a calendar or something.
There are still things in here that I still need to work on. It’s not all fixed or all better. But I’m going to make a concerted effort to start to fix these things!