Not Only Did I Not Wanna Ever Be With Another Him… I Don’t Wanna Be Him Either – Part 1 (Does He Really Not Understand What He’s Doing?)

October 11, 2017

As we continue some sort of, I think, conclusion/reflection posts (well, with as much perspective as I can have on it right now, still sort of being into it)…

One maybe weird(?) thing that happened with all this sexual assault stuff is that not only have I, of course, not wanted to ever be with someone like him again, I also had this weird fear of “what if I (ever) am him?!”

He is hurting people so deeply, and does not seem to care in the least.
…And sometimes plays it off as though he doesn’t even know (no matter how many different ways and numerous times you tell him).

I told him over and over how what he did was not okay, and how much it hurt me. And I was always met with a million excuses (or the occasional straight-up just laughter in my face)… And also, I was told (by him) so often to think about how he felt – I should feel bad for him that anyone (including me) got upset with him (especially if it had anything to do with disrespecting women (or any specific woman)), because he would neeeeeever do that. How could we do that to him when he’s such a “good guy”?

Either what he did wasn’t a big deal; or if it was a big deal, he has feelings too, and I’m the one hurting them because how dare he be perceived as a bad guy; or it was all a misunderstanding, or, or, or, or, or – whatever the millions of possibilities, none of them were that he just did something exceptionally painful, and took responsibility for it, and figured out ways to be better.

He seems not to have any sort of understanding that he has ruined my life (or at least a part of it currently). It’s not even just a problem in that he doesn’t care. It’s that so often he seems so oblivious (just completely oblivious) to the fact that he’s quite controlling and abusive, and that he is a serial rapist.

He’s either an incredible manipulator (maybe!…(probably!)), or he’s truly just actually oblivious to it all. And that is exceptionally hard (and kinda scary) to wrap my mind around.

I know we’ll never truly see ourselves the way other people do – and sometimes that means we see ourselves better than others perceive (so as perhaps to protect our egos, or ourselves, a little), and sometimes we may see ourselves worse (over-feeling guilt, or low self-esteem or something(…? I dunno. I’m not a doctor with knowledge of how brains work and stuff.))…

 

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