Like, realistically, yes, probably. That’d be the short version of this blog post is just yes. I’ve been talking about all this too much.
I think you could make an argument that we need to talk more about sexual assault and domestic abuse and all of that, and maybe it’s worthwhile that I’m talking about it. But I think you could also say, like, “come on! Get a grip, lady. We miss your ‘normal’ blog…” (Let me tell you, I have too! Missed my normal blog, my normal life, normalcy in general. I feel you!)
And then I thought about how much do I talk about certain things in my life…
And a fair amount of time, I compare this past year and dealing with trauma from sexual assault and such to the year(s) of my heart problems (and getting back on my feet). And I always act like, “Oh, it’ll get to the point where it never comes up again – just like my open-heart surgery.”
But the more I pay attention, the more I realize my open-heart surgery comes up all the time. (Kinda all the time!)
Whenever, as a country, we talk about healthcare, I talk about my heart surgery and all my time in the hospital.
Sometimes when I meet new people – especially if they come to my apartment and see my quilt from the 52 half marathons in 52 weeks, then it’s like, “Oh yeah, that’s from when I did 52 half marathons in 52 weeks after open-heart surgery.” “You had heart surgery?!”
There are some other smaller examples too. For instance, I also think about how often my worst job ever comes up… Not all the time, but more than I’d think. That job was at least 3 years ago at this point, and it still comes up when people are swapping war stories of our industry, or I dunno, whenever people wanna talk bad bosses and such. Or it comes up when friends and I who worked there walk down memory lane.
And so, I live in this world where I imagine that this passes and that I just won’t talk about, and/or just won’t think about it anymore. But I’m not sure if that’s true or not.
I mean, I feel like I don’t mention all my hospital time and my heart surgery very often to people who know me. It might come up with strangers a lot, ’cause it was a weird period of my life. But once people aren’t strangers, I don’t feel like it’s mentioned a ton. For instance, after we stopped specifically covering it in the blog, I don’t think I’ve brought it up all that often. (You can point me to it, if I’m mistaken.)
So, I think there will be a level of it not being mentioned all the time, everywhere, nearly every day…. But if it’s anything like heart surgery, then it might be surprising to me how often it seemingly organically comes up in day to day situations. I dunno. I guess we’ll see when the time comes. But it’s just been weird to me to see how much I genuinely do still talk about open-heart surgery. I have no idea what that means for my future when it comes to sexual assault (which I view in the same vein as far as how much it disrupted my life and affected me (which is probably even more so than heart surgery)).
We’ll see… I believe I’m winding down talking about it here as I try to move more toward conclusion posts, but I guess we’ll see that as well.
Life is weird, right? And I think I kind of imagined that one day you’re just totally done thinking and talking about something… Whereas, I’m learning it maybe might be more like one day you’re done fixating on something. You’re done crying about it. It doesn’t affect you as much. Maybe you can even laugh about it. (Or maybe not. But maybe you can enjoy just being merely neutral on it.) You don’t have to talk about it anymore… But it still pops in your mind. It still pops in some conversations. It doesn’t just poof, go totally away.
And I dunno. I don’t think I have some amazing concluding thought to this. It, like many of these posts, is just something that’s kinda rollin’ around in my brain right now.