As you know if you’ve been reading my blog at all over the past year and change or so, it has been exceptionally hard time in my life. So hard. Oof, goodness.
It felt like a freaking avalanche – like nothing could go right. Everything was feeding into everything else. It wasn’t just the fact that I was crying at random times and couldn’t ever sleep. It was that having such an unstable mood and never sleeping took a toll on my health and my relationships and every thing was falling apart.
It just felt like I was never gonna get better and things were never gonna get better.
And then you’ve seen some posts throughout the last few months when I reeeeeally started to get better – and we see a lot more of the good than the bad. (A lot more.)
But I’m seeing it more than ever. And that felt really apparent today.
Thus far, I’m doing well in BMI. (I mean, time will tell for real.) But things are really good (at least as far as I can tell! haha). My song is already done and rehearsed for Monday, and I’m singing in my friend’s song on Monday as well. So, school’s going. It’s reeeeally seeming (and I know it’s too early to tell), but for now it feels like it’s seeming like I really was a talented person in a very tough position who’s doing well when she gets the real chance – as opposed to an untalented person just making excuses. So, that feels good.
I’ve talked about how on the TV show I worked on after The Nightly Show, I was crying in my office a lot and was very disconnected from everyone. But tonight, I had a mini-dance party to Demi Lovato with one of our assistant editors before I left for the airport. I hang out in the break area. I have conversations with people. I don’t just try to stay away from people as much as possible.
For my lunch break today, I went to Pure Barre, as I did yesterday (and as I plan to do a lot). And I didn’t freak out and cry during class. (I used to cry during basically the entirety of some workout classes before. I was crying all the time in general…) But now I can go. I can focus. I can be tear free. I can be in a room with other human beings and not be overwhelmed. It’s all good. And I’ve definitely lost some flexibility and some muscle definition, but I can actively work on it now, which is more than I can say for before.
And then I went to JFK. That’s right – JFK. I used to get a lot of feelings there, as (even though I’ve flown into there a billion times by myself and even with some other people) I couldn’t get sexual assault dude out of my head when I’d be there (as I’d flown with him there too).
But I was just hanging at JFK, no worries, walking freely. And then while on the plane (where I’m writing you from now), I saw something (I already forgot what (yay!)) that reminded me of him. And for a minute, I was like, “Wait. Did we fly JetBlue? Or did we fly Virgin?” … I mean, I remember now. But all the details used to be so clear and so present… So, the idea that I can forget those things – even if for a minute – is so great.
So, that’s a snapshot of my life.
My job is wonderful. School is great. My apartment is dope. Working out’s feeling good again. Friendships and relationships are re-strengthing. I’m becoming a complete human again. And in many ways this is what I dreamed of the first time.
So, we’ll see where it goes from here. But goodness, we’ve spent a LOT of time in the depths of despair. And it feels good to be in the redemption. Mmmmm. Just wanna live in this day for a while. (And maybe I will!)