As you know if you’ve been reading my blog at all over the past year and change or so, it has been exceptionally hard time in my life. So hard. Oof, goodness.
[If you haven’t been reading about it, the whole sexual assault series is available here.]
It felt like a freaking avalanche – like nothing could go right. Everything was feeding into everything else. It wasn’t just the fact that I was crying at random times and couldn’t ever sleep. It was that having such an unstable mood and never sleeping, took a toll on my health and my relationships, and everything was falling apart.
It just felt like I was never gonna get better and things were never gonna get better.
And then you’ve seen some posts throughout the last few months when I reeeeeally started to get better – and we start to see a lot more of the good than the bad. (A lot more.)
I’m seeing it more than ever. And that felt really apparent today.
Thus far, I’m doing well in BMI. (I mean, time will tell for real.) But things are really good (at least as far as I can tell! haha). My song is already done and rehearsed for Monday, and I’m singing in my friend’s song on Monday as well. So, school’s going.
It’s reeeeally seeming (and I know it’s too early to tell), but, for now, it feels as though it’s seeming like I really was a talented person in a very tough position who’s doing well when she gets the real chance – as opposed to an untalented person just making excuses. So, that feels good.
I’ve talked about how on the TV show I worked on after The Nightly Show, I was crying in my office a lot and was very disconnected from everyone. But tonight, at this show I’m working on for VH1, I had a mini-dance party to Demi Lovato with one of our assistant editors before I left for the airport. I hang out in the break area. I have conversations with people. I’m still maybe not 100% back to normal-level, but I don’t generally just try to stay away from people as much as possible here (so that’s progress back toward “normal” me!).
For my lunch break today, I went to Pure Barre, as I did yesterday (and as I plan to do a lot). And I didn’t freak out and cry during class. (I used to cry during basically the entirety of some workout classes. I was crying all the time in general…)
But now I can go. I can focus. I can be tear-free. I can be in a room with other human beings, and not be overwhelmed. It’s all (generally) good… I’ve definitely lost some flexibility and some muscle definition (which are both bummers), but I can actively work on that now, which is more than I can say for before.
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow!