I Do Remember/Am Aware That I’ve *Always* Been Just Like A Regular Ol’ Mortal Human Being, Right?

October 23, 2017

[Another post on recovery]

So, I’ve talked at length about dealing with PTSD… For instance, what it’s been like to live with, and how it’s felt like it’s eroded some of my relationships. And I’ve made some giant strides recently, which has been awesome.

But even in the midst of my giant strides, I still don’t go to everything possible. I still turn down certain get togethers, or what have you.

I still sometimes sit at home or sleep in rull good, because I’m just exhausted, or I’m not really feeling being around people.

And I have become so very sensitive to any behavior that isn’t “Aurora,” or that isn’t “normal.” If it reeks of sadness, or depression, or a trauma response, it feels like *sirens blaring* RED ALERT!. RED. A-LERT. Something’s wrong! You’re not healing well enough, or fast enough, or something enough. (Gaaaaaah!)

But like… As much as we all think/(know, hopefully?) that I’m this adventurous person wanting to soak up life and take the world by storm… I still am just a normal human being. I have stayed home before. I have been tired before. I have wanted to be alone sometimes before (not often at all, which is probably why it’s such a generally foreign feeling – but sometimes!). These aren’t utterly new things I’ve never ever experienced.

Normal human mortals have a range of feelings, and sometimes those feelings include exhaustion/sadness/just generally not feeling so hot.

So, I do still want to keep an eye on my behavior, and try not to become a complete and total hermit. But, at the same time, I don’t have to be “on” or whatever every single moment of every single day.

I want to get back into the normal range of this stuff – but it’s good to remember there is indeed a range to be in. Emotions aren’t just smashed up against the ceiling of constant energy/happiness/extraverted-ness the whole entire time of every single moment of every single day of your life.

(Basically – life’s an orchestral album, chock full o’ range, not a punk rock album after a potentially iffy mastering session… Did you like that music engineering analogy (joke (ish)?) at the end? No? Just me? Okay, cool, nbd. :-))

[This is part of the sexual assault series.]

1 thought on “I Do Remember/Am Aware That I’ve *Always* Been Just Like A Regular Ol’ Mortal Human Being, Right?”

  1. Yeah, and at least once after you’re sure you’re 100% better you’ll have a “holy shit!” moment. Been there. (Not about sexual assault, though.) Definitely better to give yourself little breaks–including going easy on yourself–than to go bonkers/burn out.

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