[Another post on recovery *dance/present-y move*]
So, I’ve talked at length about dealing with PTSD… For instance, what it’s been like, and how it’s felt like it’s eroded some of my relationships. And I’ve made some giant strides recently, which has been awesome. But even in the midst of my giant strides, I still don’t go to everything possible. I still turn down certain get togethers or what have you.
I still sometimes sit at home or sleep in rull good, because I’m just exhausted, or I’m just not feeling being around people.
And I have become so very sensitive to any behavior that isn’t “Aurora,” or that isn’t “normal.” If it reeks of sadness, or depression, or a trauma response, it feels like *sirens blaring* RED ALERT!. RED. A-LERT. Something’s wrong! You’re not healing well enough or fast enough or something enough. (Gaaaaaah!)
But like… As much as we all think/(know, hopefully?) that I’m this adventurous person wanting to soak up life and take the world by storm… I still am just a normal human being. I have stayed home before. I have been tired before. I have wanted to be alone sometimes before. These aren’t utterly new things I’ve never ever ever experienced.
Normal human mortals have a range of feelings, and sometimes those feelings include exhausted/sad/just not feeling so hot.
So, I do still want to keep an eye on my behavior, and try not to become a complete and total hermit. But, at the same time, I don’t have to be “on” or whatever every single moment of every single day. I want to get back into the normal range of this stuff – but it’s good to remember there is indeed a range to be in. Emotions aren’t just smashed up against the ceiling of constant energy/happiness/extraverted-ness the whole entire time.
(Basically – life’s an orchestral album, chock full o’ range, not a punk rock album after a potentially iffy mastering session… Did you like that music engineering joke at the end? No? Just me? Okay, cool, nbd. :-))