So, this is a pretty explicit post about sex, because well, it’s talking about sex.
I’m doing this post specifically because I used to google this a lot (a lot) at the beginning. Since I was dying to hear other survivors’ voices on this back then, I felt it was only fair to add my voice in – especially because I’ve talked so in depth about everything else.
To some extent (if you’ve been reading this blog), you know some things about my sex life. (That’s kind of weird to think about, but that’s life, I suppose. Haha.)
While I haven’t really had a conclusion post about sex, it has been something woven throughout my posts. (So, sorry for any of this that ends up being me sort of repeating myself…
In the beginning, I cried a lot during sex – like a lot, a lot. Like for a while, it was practically any time a man got on top of me. (The only person who escaped this was California guy, but I cried in the uber on my way home…) I cried a lot.
It interrupted sex a lot. I’m sure it won’t shock you to think crying kind of ruined the mood. So, there were a lot of times that were interrupted for a bit, or full-on stopped.
I wondered here if sex would be my tequila.
I went through a couple of different phases. I had kind of the “summer of sex,” where I had sex with kinda everybody. And then – and I never thought I’d hit this point in my life – I had a small time of just like, “Oh my gosh. I need a break. I can’t have any more sex.” Thankfully, that didn’t last too long. But it was around for a little while.
[Warning, again, this is pretty explicit-ish…]
One thing that I really viewed as sort of a turning point of sorts was when I had a threesome. I had a couple different combinations. And when I had a threesome with two guys, that was a giant turning point for me. They were kind and respectful, and I felt super safe – even with two super strong men around me. And there was so much to concentrate on and take in – it was like sensory overload. And it was… for me, it was really helpful. I don’t know if a threesome is what helps other people. And oh goodness, I personally wouldn’t recommend jumping *right* into one. As I said, I cried a lot. For months. And then, as I was starting to get better, this opportunity came along. So, I went for it! And it just kind of came along at the right time and was good. But I wasn’t 100% better immediately after that. I still had some rough days. I still needed a tiny break from sex a few months later.
So… what’s the secret? Cry and cry and cry it out until you hopefully stop? Or take a break from sex? Or have sex with someone you reeeeeally love? Or have sex with a stranger? With someone famous? With what feels like everyone on the planet? Have different types of sex you haven’t had before (such as said threesome)? Go travel around the world and have destination sex with somebody? Hope that getting better in trauma therapy will help everything – including your sex life?
I don’t know. I don’t know the answer. I did all of those things. And… I will say eventually I got better. Which one made me better? I don’t know. All of them? Maybe. Or did some of them hinder the process? Maybe! It’s hard to tell. I don’t know.
It was a haaaaaaaaard process. And I don’t even mean that in a funny sex joke way. I just mean it was actually a really tough process.
[Also, I just want to make a note in here really fast that obviously, no matter how many people you’re having sex with, keep it safe… Get tested regularly. Use protection. Be safe. That’s important… You may feel like your life is over. But it’s not. And when you really start living again, you want as little baggage as possible from your assault into your new life. So, anyway, be safe. (Don’t worry. I was safe too.)]
And I read so many blogs. And all these places kept saying, “it’s normal if women don’t orgasm,” and I wanted to tear my hair out and scream, “I have always been great at orgasming! It’s potentially my most reliable and best skill! Do not tell me it leaves me now. Stop it!”
This only even became an issue because sexual assault guy wouldn’t stop making fun of me for not orgasming (as he was making me so uncomfortable I was crying). (And even when I brought up later how upsetting that was, and how I’d already orgasmed multiple times that morning and we both knew full well I could orgasm, he said, “Well, you didn’t.” He never let it die. I always wanted an apology, and instead he doubled down whenever it was brought up.
So, when I was having sex with someone new – and it was taking all I had just to not cry and keep on keepin’ on, it took me longer to orgasm than usual. (I did! But it took a while.) And he said something like, “it takes a little while to get your motor running.” And I wanted to crawl into a hole for eternity.
Is this who I’m gonna be forever now? Am I gonna have some orgasm issue? I don’t have sex issues! I sit on my throne of orgasms in my sex kingdom, as reigning sex princess. So much was being taken away from me. My best and most reliable skill could not join the list.
So, the road was stressful. It was hard. It was uncomfortable. It was filled with self-doubt and fear. It was a weird year and a half in a million ways – and that includes sex.
So, if you’re reading this wondering if sex will get good for you again – I hope to goodness it will. It did for me, 100%. I’m fully back to orgasming all the time, feeling comfortable again. I’m not so naive as to believe I’ll *never* have a bad day or weird moment when it comes to sex. But it’s very normal again. And I felt like I was in the largest pit of despair and that it would never be normal. So, if you’re feeling the most despair you’ve felt in your life – I promise I was feeling it too. I didn’t believe people when they told me it would get better. “You don’t understand! This is the worst I’ve ever felt, and this feeling won’t go away!” “I do understand, Aurora. It will get better.” “It will NOT!”
…But sure enough… I had like 11 orgasms the other night. I’m orgasming just fine and often. I’m really enjoying a sex a lot, getting distracted way (way) less, not crying at all. It’s all good now!
And I know it’s so weird that I’ve talked about orgasms so much here. Because it feels like I’m being some weird douche-y whatever. I feel gross – like I’m Donald Trump bragging or something. But I don’t mean it in a gross way. … (I mean, I am pretty proud of my super-human ability ;), but I do mean it more in a way of hope than *pounds chest* Oh, yeah, bro! 11 Orgasms *chest bump*)
So, that’s my take on it. Sex gets great again. It just felt like the longest year and a half ish (year and three quarters?) of my life for that to happen.