Now that we, I think, are at least nearing the end of all this, I thought I would address the whole “why talk about all this sexual assault recovery stuff in semi-real time, and so in-depth?”
Basically, for me, I think I’ve said, probably many times, that to me, this felt a lot like my open-heart surgery and everything that happened after that. It was serious. It kept running my life – no matter how much I kept trying to do everything else and sort of ignore it. It put a major wrench in a lot of stuff. And on and on.
And back then, I didn’t have a blog. (I didn’t have a twitter. I didn’t even have a Facebook for part of it.) I wasn’t expected to be posting a blog post a day, and trying to deal with, “What will I talk about, if I don’t talk about this?!”
And I tried to talk about other things other than sexual assault. I kept talking about other things for about 9-ish months. But all this stuff kept happening! The guy came back to school for an extra year I didn’t think he’d be there. And that was gut-wrenching. The Access Hollywood tape came out and so many people didn’t care. (That was the deal-breaker for me.) I tried to talk about other things, but I couldn’t outrun it.
As I got worse, and my life sort of came to a bit of a halt, as I just cried all the time, and missed out on opportunities, there became less and less to write about (other than what I was dealing with). I couldn’t outrun it. I couldn’t escape it.
It kind of reached a point where I had two choices – just write about it, or stop blogging for an undetermined amount of time.
I could’ve said, “Let me just take a break from the blog. I’ll be back when I can.” But he’d already taken so much from me that I loved. And I loved blogging! I didn’t want that to be taken away too… I wanted to fight through it and keep doing it, as best I could.
I also – I’ve read so many stories of famous people who talk about their incredibly downtimes. They can reflect on how sad they were and sometimes when I’ve been sad, I’ve found those things comforting to read… But how amazing would it be to be reading the account if they were keeping it in semi-real time? It doesn’t just become a story from a long time ago you can identify with, but it’s all right there. Boom.
I have no idea if I’ll become famous. But on the chance I do – or at least on the chance that I become mildly successful to the point where someone in the world wants to look back at my past, they’ll have the sort of nitty gritty (ish) of it. For any survivor who wants to read it all – boom, it’s there. Even if it helps just one person, that’d be cool. I don’t think it hurts anyone to be up. So, if it is either a net zero effect, or a net positive (even if a small one), that’s good.
Also, even just for me. If someday I’m way better and I want to reflect on that part of my life, I have it.
As of right now, I can’t imagine ever wanting to re-live, re-read, re-imagine. But if I want to, I can…
So, I don’t know. Those were kind of my thoughts going into it. And that’s why I did it. I have no idea if this journey has been helpful/interesting to anyone else. Please feel free to tell me if it has for you. Thank you for going on it with me. I’m excited that we’re reaching the end.