[This is a post from the sexual assault series.]
This is something I feel like comes up semi-a lot.
I think I’ve written some version of this post a few times, as it’s something my mind comes back to often. Because for me, it’s been one of the hardest things to really internalize and be okay with…
I feel behind a lot. (And by a lot I mean both often, and also in very large ways.)
All the time, I am seeing people who actually focused and worked these past two years (as opposed to me who sad around and cried [I think that was technically supposed to say “sat around,” but “sad around” just really felt like it works in this context), and where they are now.
I see the commercials friends booked, the programs they made it through, shows they did, grants they got, classes they aced. I see many of the improvements in lives that could’ve potentially happened in mine too. (Maybe. I mean, who knows, really.)
And I feel behind.
And I don’t just feel behind in comparison to other people. I feel behind in comparison to where I thought I’d be, or wanted to be, or to what all the momentum in my life made it seem like things truly could be.
And I keep thinking I’ll feel less behind!
“Once I lose 10 pounds and feel more like the old me – ”
“Once I finish the re-write on my pilot so I have a nice current TV writing sample – ”
“Once I mend fences with such and such friend, so it feels like my personal life is a little better – ”
“Once I get to the point of BMI that I’m doing all new assignments, and not just new takes on old ones – ”
“Once I ….”
There are more. It feels like there are millions. It always feels like, “if I can just do this or that, I’ll be back. I’ll ‘catch up’.”
But. The thing is, I can’t really totally 100% ever catch up. I can’t undo every little piece of damage done in my life. I can’t fix every relationship that had a tear. Some will be unfixable. I can’t start all the friendships I “should’ve had,” had that man not been in my life. I can’t write two years worth of material in a month to make me feel better that I was so non-functional for a while. I can’t make BMI go any faster than it’s going. I can’t re-live every experience that I had over the past two years, trying to be more present this time.