Well, another 7-day series where I just did what I could. Some days that was a half and a 10k. On one, it was just a 5k.
And I know I’m probably supposed to be saying how freeing or amazing or whatever all of this is. That probably make a better “story.” But, tbh, I don’t even really know what the point of this is anymore.
It’s not freeing or fun. As I’ve stated, I’m dealing with the never ever ever ending injury of the sprained ankle And so now what?
I’m out there struggling through 11 hour long(!) “half marathons” (with a lot of work on elliptical machines because it’s easier on my ankle, which of course makes me feel weird because how real is that anyway?).
So, I’m struggling with these ridiculously long time because of pain or exhaustion or movement issues or whatever – and to what end?
i think about the ways the project and sexual assault are tied together – as obviously sexual assault was the springboard for the project in the first place, and the 882 number is significant. And so, what have I learned? Nothing?
Is the sprained ankle thing showing me that yet again when all signs are pointing to something being wrong, I just plow ahead with the plan (like how it took me almost half a year to go get therapy for sexual assault, because even though all signs were pointing to a complete breakdown “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine!”).
Or, is this showing me that for some reason I need to put myself through even more pain and misery than I’ve already experienced?
I mean, I know I’m being a Debbie Downer here. Maybe it’s supposed to show that no matter what, you can finish what you set out to do, I guess…
Maybe it’s not even meant to show anything. There is no larger meaning, and it’s like, “just get it done.”
I will say I’ve become super obsessed with The Good Wife. So, at least I like that part.
I’m just – I dunno. I’m disappointed. Thus far, my other 3 projects I feel like really helped me – expanded my world, showed me new things, did generally what they set out to do, plus even more on top of it.
And technically, this one expanded my world in that I got my passport…. But, I dunno. It didn’t do the things I think I wanted. It’s nearing the end, and I don’t have some kind of sense of power or achievement or “I have my life back!” that I think I thought I would. This wasn’t some cool journey from devoted to fulfilled.
I’m still devastated some days. I haven’t made a complete return to my “normal” life. Things are harder than I thought, taking longer than I thought, and as much as I hate to just be saddy sad sad Aurora, being a sad lameface oh so much of the time since January 2016, that’s just how I feel right now.
So, anyway, another hundred something miles down. Another 120 or so to go.