If you’re seeing this, FYI, this post is old.
Oh goodness.
I thought I was done with these – with the posts where I sob at my computer as I type. I thought kind of the chapter of sadness and despair and thinking all the time about sexual assault and all the fallout from it and everything was over.
As I’ve mentioned on here before, I gained some weight when everything happened. It makes sense and is a normal side effect after sexual assault. And as things got better emotionally, I started thinking, “great, now I can work on gaining this weight.”
I’ve sort of been compartmentalizing things a bit in my head – as far as ways I’d been affected. And as therapy started going better, and my living space became more livable instead of just a cluttered sad dungeon, and being around people became more bearable, and on and on, I thought, “great, I can finally worry about weight.”
But now I’m to that and it just doesn’t seem quite as simple to lose as it did last time. I mean, for one thing, I have that stupid injury (my sprained ankle) which seems to be ever-present and never go away. And I dunno. It seems sadder this time.
(I mean, I’m not as heavy as I once was, but I’m heavier than I want. And the zippers on my super cute, adorable, size 4 dresses that I was so proud to wear don’t zip. And I can’t handle that.)
Then there are different possibilities, since I am injured or whatever, you know, if I need a jump start, I could always go get some lipo or some “cool sculpting” or any of many things that run the gamut from super invasive to less so, from very expensive to not as much. But then all these other things come along with that – money, for one. It’s like, “Okay, so if I actually can get back to feeling okay about my body, I’ll do it at the expense of going into even more debt (which I’ve already talked about on here.) (And really, even going about things the “right” way, ClassPass’s rates are way up, etc.)
Plus, aside from money, there are scars, and there’s delayed results! You don’t walk out of lipo looking amazing. You walk out looking swollen and it takes weeks or sometimes months to look settled and “normal.” (Oh yeah, I’ve been reading a LOT on RealSelf.)
And I’ll pick up here tomorrow.