*This time it was a department store. But I say that because I remember when things were really bad, and I couldn’t survive like a day (or even half a day really) without bawling, and I was crying in all these public spaces, and I definitely was starting to get the full understanding that there was a real problem brewing.
But someone really close to me sort of, kind got it, but I think just sort of assumed that I was a normal level of sad when something doesn’t go well – so, like, sad… But, you know, like “oh, hey, let’s go out; you’ll feel better” kind of sad, not like “life is a crushing burden, I can’t get out of bed, and I’m going to lose my job” type of sad.
Anyway, we went to Chipotle, and I just started crying in line, because, well, I was crying everywhere. And not like making-a-scene crying. But like, he thought everything was fine, until I like turned my head so he could see it, because he kept talking to me, and I kind of had to. And tears were just streaming down my face.
[It wasn’t 100% unprovoked. At the time, I was still trying to find my next apartment in New York. And it was hard. And I think I’d maybe just gotten an email on my phone about needing even more paperwork or something – something that wouldn’t normally trigger a breakdown, but you know, kind of did this time.]
Anyway, this person I was with, they saw my face, and I could just see in their eyes the realization that “oh no. This is much more serious than I realized.” And I dunno. It’s kind of been a moment that’s stuck with me.
Anyway, it was also sort of how I thought about how good I was doing on recuperating and such. Like, am I “we can’t even take you to Chipotle” in a level of despair? Or am I better than that?
And I would say starting in September-ish I thought I was really hitting my stride. I was starting a new job, re-starting BMI, things seemed to be starting over. I was on the tail end of trauma therapy. I’d basically worked through everything. And I thought I really had past this whole Chipotle-breakdown-level sadness.
Then I was in a department store, trying to pick out something new and cute to wear.
And I know shopping can already be a very frustrating experience – if something doesn’t fit the way you want, or imagined, or if you’re not as small in a certain brand as another, and on and on and on. So, I’m sure that was part of it.
And then John Legend’s “Love Me Now” came on, and I sat on the floor of a fitting room and bawled.
And hey! At least we’re making progress because something sad is playing. So, at least that’s a reason. And at least I pretty much made it to the fitting room before crying, so my meltdowns aren’t quite as public.
I dunno. It just rang so like, “I’ve abandoned my whole life I made here. And I’m about to go see this person I care about so much, and it’s gonna be the first time in what feels like forever, and it may be the last time in who knows how long.” And I dunno. It just felt like this whole life will be lived with the people I care about while I’m gone… And I’m always gone. I’m always gone!”
[Edited to add: I had the time of my life.
That also makes it kind of sad, right? Goodness, it’s so great to be here. And also, it’s so very fleeting. But I guess life is in general. So, I dunno.]
Anyway, I guess after saying all this… Maybe I’m not back to crying in Chipotles. I mean, I’m crying at John Legend. And sometimes in public. But I’m not just like crying at the total drop of a hat. I don’t think…. Who knows?
[This is from the sexual assault series.]