Fear not!
I am NOT talking specifically about Aziz Ansari! There were approximately 40,000 trillion articles that did that. I have nothing to add that hasn’t been covered between the initial report, and the backlash, and the backlash to the backlash, and the backlash to the backlash to the backlash, and so on.
But!
What I would like to talk about, as an important concept tangential to him (in how this has all been covered) is how I have seen/hear too many people using three terms interchangeably that are not interchangeable.
“Bad sex,” “coerced sex,” and “sexual assault” are not the same thing [as far as I believe]. (You could potentially argue that coerced sex is indeed sexual assault sometimes, and I will get into that – but if each one is a different circle, while there may be a venn diagram where they overlap, there’s plenty of space where they don’t (in my opinion). And we need to use specific and different words to talk about what we’re really trying to talk about.
So.
Let me start by saying (well, first, thanks to one of my super smart friends I met at the Hillary Clinton book signing, whom I had dinner with recently, who really helped put this idea into words) –
Some people are using “bad sex” to be this gigantic umbrella to mean anything from “I only had one orgasm and wanted more” to “I left his apartment sobbing and bleeding.” And that’s a giant overextension of that phrase.
Bad sex is on a completely different spectrum from the other two.
If bad sex were to be on a spectrum of some kind (of 1 – 100, or blazing red to bright green – however you wanna see it), the opposite end of the spectrum would be good sex.
[Before I get a little more into the weeds here, I’ll say that I’ve had all 3 of these things – bad sex, coerced sex, and sexual assault. And to me, they all felt very different.]
For me, bad sex is laughable. Coerced sex is frustrating/annoying. Sexual assault is terrifying (and for me, that one was a whole messy ball of emotions I worked through in therapy, but as for how it felt in the moment, scary is what I’m gonna with, maybe confusing as well…).
Anyway, that’s how it is for me. If you were to ask other people, they might call bad sex uncomfortable, coerced sex devaluing, and sexual assault heartbreaking (and I’d agree that all three of those are also good descriptors for generally how I’ve felt).
Anyway, the point is, whatever three words people use to describe those three concepts, I would venture a guess that almost anyone who’s had all three has three fairly distinct words to describe them.
So, bad sex has nothing to do with the question of consent.
Bad sex means you were having consensual sex with someone, and maybe they just had some sex move that you found weird, or maybe you love a particular sex move and they can’t seem to do it like you’re used to, or maybe you’re just awkward together and don’t have good chemistry – you bump each other in the face when you’re trying to kiss, chip a tooth, whatever, or a million other things – whatever bad sex means to you, the point is, it’s not traumatizing. It’s not truly painful. It’s not pushed on you.
You’re willing and ready, and so are they, but man you just either are not meant to be having sex together, or haven’t figured out the right way to do it yet.
So, put “bad sex” in a piece far away from the other two.
(In some ways, sexual assault shouldn’t even be put in the category of “sex.” I know it’s right there in the name, but it’s never about sex – it about control and/or violence. So, sexual assault, I don’t think should ever be spoken of as “bad sex.” That means something else.)
And we’ll get to coerced sex vs sexual assault (and the venn diagram area where they potentially overlap, in my opinion) tomorrow!
[And/or for more on the sexual assault series, you can go here.]