I Wish We Had A Bigger Vocabulary Re: Sex/Assault As A Society – Part 3 (Coercive Sex – A (Hopefully) Illustrative Story)

January 5, 2018

Picking up from yesterday

[Warning: explicit-ish sex story.]

So, this was years ago at this point. I went to a hotel a friend of mine was staying in, with the expressed purpose of having sex with him.

He drove me there. It was over an hour away from where I lived. And he started mentioning how much he loved blow jobs, and how he wanted a blow job.

I was like, “Hey, I’m sorry. I know this is silly, but I have this rule/preference. I don’t like to give blow jobs until at least the second time I’ve slept with somebody. For the first time, I just like penetrative sex. Blow jobs are just too intimate for me for the first time.”

And then he starts in with, “But I’m so much hornier if I get a blow job first” and other “reasons” why he “needs” a blow job. And we go on and on, and on and on, and on and on, in a circle of me repeatedly saying how much I don’t want to give a blow job on the first time. I’ll happily have penetrative sex with him to his heart’s content, but I do not wanna do that on the first time. Then he tells me over and over how great a blow job would be.

And as the night wears on, it becomes stuff like, “Well, let’s have a little to drink, and maybe you’ll change your mind.” “Well, let’s take a shower together and maybe you’ll change your mind.” (Even though I don’t care how clean his dick was. That doesn’t change the fact that I felt weird about the intimacy aspect/breaking my rule/preference.)

Finally, I was worn down enough, and thought, “Screw it!” and put my mouth on his dick. I was far away from home (before uber was popularized, and even still it would’ve been expensive). I didn’t want to get into a fight with a friend of mine, and having clearly stated my opinion over and over and it not meaning anything, it seemed like the easiest thing to do was just give him a blow job and call it a night.

I wasn’t particularly happy with him. I was pretty frustrated, in fact. But I wasn’t threatened in any way. I didn’t feel like I was in a dangerous situation. I had the means to leave if I truly wanted. Uber might not have been en vogue yet, but obviously cabs were a thing. He wasn’t a boss of mine, or someone holding a job over my head. He didn’t grab my face and put it on his dick.

I was worn down. I wasn’t happy. But I wasn’t assaulted. I made the calculation that I was fully annoyed enough to go down on him to get the merry-go-round of “Please?” “No” [over and over and over] to stop.

I did it, of my own, really free will. (Yes, I was being annoyed, but without any threat to me [in any way – not safety/punitive-ness/career stuff, etc., nothing – just no threat of any kind], it was my decision.)

I haven’t slept with him again. I view him a little differently, because even after I brought up the fact that it was upsetting that he didn’t listen to me (never accusing him of assault, but legitimately just wanting to make sure he understood, so he’d be aware about how he communicated with other women in the future), he never even apologized.

So, of course I feel a little devalued. And I don’t feel great about the situation. But it wasn’t traumatizing or scary (though I do think it at least singed our friendship, if nothing else) – which is I guess what I’m saying.

There may be some ramifications for coercive sex. It does not feel good. It definitely makes me question the man, my relationship to him, and if I trust him, and if I’d ever like to sleep with him again. But, it doesn’t end in jail time for him or therapy for me.

And I’ll pick this up with more thoughts of words/definitions and such tomorrow!

[And/or for more on the sexual assault series, you can go here.]

2 thoughts on “I Wish We Had A Bigger Vocabulary Re: Sex/Assault As A Society – Part 3 (Coercive Sex – A (Hopefully) Illustrative Story)”

  1. Rather baffling that anyone would have the opportunity to get intimate with a pretty woman and choose to spend the entire time whining about the exact activity. Definitely a situation that called for extra teeth. 🙂

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