Thursday, July 6th, 2017

I’m so serious.

Hi friends, thank you so much for sticking with me as we slog through a bunch of serious posts (of which I do have more). But I at least wanted to post this one before getting serious again… 

I went to see The Big Sick because Kumail Nanjiani feels like everybody’s friend on twitter. I’ve never met him, but he’s one of those people who just *feels* like he’s your friend. He’s so freaking likable.

So, I saw the movie because I was rooting for “our friend.” He’s friends with the world on twitter and everybody was tweeting about it.

Plus, a podcast (Larry Wilmore’s actually – shoutout to my old boss) reminded me that we don’t usually see POC as leads in rom-coms. Yeah, whoa. That’s so crummy. Let’s support that changing! I’m even more down to see the movie now. So let’s go!

Before I even say anything else, just stop reading this post and if you’re lucky enough that it’s in your city, go go go go go go go go go go go.

Now, onto my post 🙂

Funnily enough, my roommate and I were both finishing getting ready (shoes and stuff) in the living room at the same time. And she was like, “where are you going?” I said the movies. And I told her which one. She hadn’t heard of it. And I was all, “yeah, I don’t know I guess it’s like -” (and I got all silly and over-dramatic and over-acted…). “I’m white! And he’s not white! Oh my. Whatever will we do?” (‘Cause that actually is like *kind of* what the movie’s about.) And we laughed at this premise that could so easily be too heavy handed or whatever. 

And then I WENT.

And when it was over, I texted her from the theater bathroom crying. I was like “I was so stupid to make fun of this idea. This is literally the best rom-com to have ever existed ever.” *cry, cry, cry*

I don’t even know where to start.

First off, all the actors are SO good. They’re so believable and lovable and individual. The acting is so good. The writing, the set design, directing – just all of it is so good.

I love that Emily is so three-dimensional. She can hold her own, but she also gets to be emotional and silly.

Also, freaking spoiler alert. Go see the movie before you read this. 

But it’s not like she wakes up from the coma and now they’re in love. She has a *real* reaction to what it’s *really* like to *really* be sick. (Or at least, as someone who was really sick, it felt really real to me.)

It wasn’t used as a plot devise that magically worked things out. It was *reeeal,* and the speed at which things would progress (a non-magical speed) felt real!

Even in the beginning of their relationship, you could *feel* them falling in love. It wasn’t rushed. It was so natural. It was the most non-movie, movie I’ve ever seen.

Even his apartment felt so real. I was like “I’ve been in comic’s apartments like that!” The clubs felt like comedy clubs.

It was just so so real and so perfect and I can’t say enough nice things about it. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and quite honestly I kinda just wanna go again pretty much right now.

It is so good. I am legitimately not kidding you when I say best rom-com ever. Nothing happens because it’s “supposed to.” You’re not saying her lines before she says them, because she acts like a real person, not like a movie character. And I just looooove it. 

Tuesday, July 4th, 2017

[Hey, so I still have back posts I’m working on, whereas this is today’s. So you will still see more angry posts as I work through the backlog. But this is how I’m feeling today, and I just wanted to talk about it.]

I am angry a lot (too often, way too often).

I’m angry when my body can’t handle something it used to (like a speed I used to run or a workout I used to do well, or even look great/fit the right way in a dress I used to love) because I’ve been spending to much time holed up in an apartment, since there was so much I felt I couldn’t do when my PTSD was overwhelming.

I’m angry when I see Bill Cosby talk about doing a tour to help people not be accused of assault – instead of focusing on not assaulting people…

I get angry when I see photos online of people from my old class having a great time because I think that I should be there.

Sometimes I have misplaced anger at people who really haven’t done anything wrong. E.g. the people from BMI – why didn’t they stand up for me or fight for me or help protect me? Well, for one thing because they literally did not know. I know there were a million reasons not to tell anyone there. And I know that felt more protective (of myself), ultimately. But it’s this irrational anger sometimes that I don’t feel just toward them, but toward various people/things/events/places/whatever.

And that’s good to recognize and try to logic myself out of. There’s no reason to be mad at them. It’s a crummy situation, for sure, but there’s no need to be mad at them.

And then I have rational anger. It is rational to be upset about the treatment of victims in America. It is rational to be upset at this man who seemingly “ruined my life” (or at least ruined a loooooooot of things I loved about my life for the time being), and then brazenly refused to care.

But even if it’s rational, is it healthy? Is it good? Is it productive? Is it fun? Is it adding value to my life?

Some people “do anger right.” I can’t speak to their personal lives, but professionally, Jon Stewart and Samantha Bee are an example of two people who do anger beautifully. They bring us in with them. It’s not like “ooof. Why are you being this way?” Or “I’m kinda scared of you in the moment.” No. It doesn’t make you wanna turn off the TV. It makes you wanna lean in and give a standing ovation afterward.

But I’m not someone who “does anger well.” I don’t think I hold it well or express it well. It feels like a veeeery awkward unfitting thing for me. I don’t like feeling angry in person or online.

I mean, I’ll get into it over a bill on twitter. (That’s always been true.) But I want that to be kind of the exception, not the rule – not who I am.

And the anger feels like a giant cycle. I have a bad run and I’m furious this is what my life has become – I’m *furious* that things that used to not be a struggle are now a struggle. But then I think when I get angry, sometimes I struggle with those things even more. And then when I struggle even more, I’m even angrier. And it’s like this never-ending loop of anger.

So how do I stop that?

Running was how I used to get out my anger. That’s obviously not working. (And that is the best coping mechanism I have.) Soooo, what do I do when that’s not as strong as I want?

I used to make lists of all the things I was thankful for in my life – desperately reaching for anything I could, scribbling sadly, trying to take deep breaths, telling myself “everything’s okay, it’s all okay!” when it obviously wasn’t.

I’m in therapy now. That’s helpful, but a long process.

I’ve done a lot of googling and reading way too many articles about letting anger go. I’ve tried all those writing things out and tearing them up, and various other things.

And I’m still angry.

And sometimes I think, “well, when things return to normal, I’ll stop being so angry.”

But how can things “return to normal” if I’m not myself? How am I gonna get the beautiful life I was living before, if I can’t be the same open trusting happy adventurous grateful girl I was before?

So I can’t wait for things to magically change, ’cause that magic’s not coming without a force from me.

A quote I really love is that “anger is like a vessel that destroys the vessel that holds it.”

So, what am I doing semi-willingly holding this acid?

I don’t have an answer. I don’t know the answer.

I think of other new projects to do – writing thank you cards to someone everyday or other ways to show gratitude to the world. But I don’t know.

All I know is I am trying desperately to not be quite so angry. And I desperately wish I knew how to do that. Because I am *exhausted* being angry all the time… 

Monday, July 3rd, 2017

Hey friends!

I can believe how many posts I am behind. And I know it must feel like a bombardment for all you. I’m gonna keep chugging along. And it might feel like there are a *lot* of sexual assault posts coming your way, but obviously ignore whatever you want and know that I’m trying to get everything out of my drafts in the next 2 weeks. So hopefully we’ll be talking much less about sexual assault and much more about everything else soon enough 

xoxoxo 

Sunday, July 2nd, 2017

[Quick disclaimer: I don’t mean that as an insult *at all.* I feel like Jon Stewart was always billing himself as a New Yorker, and he’s spectacular. So, being a New Yorker isn’t bad. And I don’t think I’d usually even think it *might* be meant as an insult, but with all my weird feelings about NY lately, I just thought I should clarify to be super super clear…. not an insult. Aaaanyway back to “The Daily Show Is Made Of New Yorkers”]

I hadn’t really thought about this until I was talking with my friend about the stuff I talked about in my last post, and one thing we covered that I had completely forgotten about –

A ton of our staff was from California! We were just at the end of the first year when I started. Larry’s an LA guy who came from LA, and I think brought some LA people with him.

It was not weird at all to hear a bunch of people talking about going to Cali over the break – whether they were gonna do a show at UCB Sunset, or just see their friends or their agents.

We had some people who had stories of moving, or were still looking for more long-term living situations/apartment because they’d only recently love to NY.

We would talk about LA sports teams, and LA traffic (as any Angelino will do).

Of course not *everybody* was from LA. Plenty of people were New Yorkers. 

But there were enough that I never really had noticed/thought about how “California” our staff was.

And now, there are plenty of fascinating people on TDS who’ve lived all over the world. But, as far as I’ve seen thus far, I haven’t seen that faction of people who’s like “you’re going to LA for hiatus! No way me too!” “Oh, same!” “Yeah! Same here as well!”

And that probably doesn’t matter all *that* much. I mean, who cares where everybody’s going on hiatus? But it was just interesting to me – this thing I hadn’t even realized – that in many ways TNS was a show of Californians (some of whom went back when we got canceled – and some of whom took New Yorkers with them). And TDS is a show full of New Yorkers. 

So, that’s your lil’ random thought of the day!

Sunday, July 2nd, 2017

Something that was funnily jarring to me kept happening at The Daily Show before we went away for hiatus.

The people who know my birthday was coming up, and that I always do something new were like, “what are you doing this year?”

And I wasn’t totally sure. The main thing I was really looking into was submarining (which ultimately didn’t happen – in large part because I found what I thought was the perfect place to do it (in Honduras), but it was unavailable for June 25th, but here’s hoping for next year).

Anyway.

Every time I mentioned submarining, people at work were like, “Can you do that here in NY? Where”

And it was so funnily jarring to me as my brain asked (totally not loud), “what on earth – why would I be here for my *birthday* (that already falls on a weekend and starts off a two-week hiatus, no less). Like, I started off looking for submarining (and other fun beach water things) in SoCal ’cause like… where else would I be?!”

But then I kinda realized, Oh. 

Theeey don’t see me as a girl who just came from California. To them, I’m a girl who lives and works in New York. To them, I’m a Nightly Show alum (so… a show in New York), and after that, I did another show in NY for freaking 3/4 of a year. Like, if you think about it, I’ve been out here a long time!

They don’t think of my “home” as California. I’m just a New York girl working and living in New York.

Anyway, [*read with super speed because I don’t really know what I’m saying*] time is a weird construct. I’ve both been there forever and seemingly no time at all. It feels like time stopped for me, and I’m definitely living with one foot in one world and one in another and I didn’t see how else my life could be perceived until everyone at the Daily Show saw it that way. 

The end

Saturday, July 1st, 2017

[This is kind of in conjunction with the thing I just posted]

One of the very biggest things I struggle with is that I’m tired of all the framework of a beautiful life coming crashing down.

I felt like I had worked really hard as soon as I graduated high school to start making great changes in my life and be the person I want to be – and then all my health issues started and lasted for a while. I had to take time off school and work and on and on and on.

It turned my life upside down and it felt like all this beautiful stuff I had built started crumbling.

And then I sulked and cried and it was a bummer, and eventually, I was like, “well, life goes on either way, so you can either cry about it forever or you can work to make it better.”

So I did. I worked and worked. I got my career back to a good place. I lost a bunch of weight. I moved to my dream city. I got my dream job. I got into my dream program. And it seemed like almost as quickly as we could say, “look! Growth/redemption/a brighter future is possible,” I became involved with an abusive man in my dream program and suffered a *lot* of consequences because of this.

And I’m trying to move forward and everything. I’m going to therapy and doing running events and trying to settle into my apartment and blah blah blah blah blah.

But I’m still not at the 100% moved on/moved forward/happy part…

I was sulking the other day about this concept and how “I’m tired of building such a great foundation/framework, and having it torn down!”

And then I said to myself without even thinking, “it’s just like my job.”

Because we would always joke at The Nightly Show (and it’s even happened already at The Daily Show!) about how you spend all day crafting these great houses (your edits), and then a tsunami comes and crashes everything down in re-write.

Sometimes you will make something you and/or other people reeeeeeally liked, and sometimes it’ll be really (really!) funny. But because of a million variables (be it lawyers, or time constraints, or other breaking news that has to be covered, or a million things), they’ll cut your hilarious montage. Or they’ll cut your great political attack ad. Or they’ll cut something random that you just looooved that people have been laughing at all day.

And sometimes you literally may not have built even one roll that goes into the final show.

And you throw your hands up in joking agitation and say, “why do they even have us do any work, when they take it all away anyway?!”

(Obviously there’s no real agitation, as I love my job.)

But the reason why you keep building – even *knowing* a lot is gonna be torn down is because (well, because you get paid to do that, but that’s not where I’m going with this). It’s because you also know a lot of it is gonna get through.

You know that you’re gonna get something on the show that people laugh at and have a good time with. You know something, at some point, is gonna make it’s way around the internet and either delight people, or make them consider a new perspective, or generally do something positive in a lot of people’s lives.

And you know that for every silly re-mixed Carl’s Jr. commercial on the cutting room floor, you get a Jeff Sessions takedown to write home about.

And that’s why – even if it’s exhausting/sad/tiring/a million negative emotions, to have your whole framework just kicked out from under you when you don’t want it to be, you just have to keep building because of the magic that eventually comes from that.

(If that makes sense… I feel like I had a parallel between these two things, but I don’t know that I *quite* got there 😂, but I think you get the gist.) 

Saturday, July 1st, 2017

As I said, I got to spend my birthday in Boston!

And it was *amazing* what being back was like… Some things had changed, of course – some businesses have switched out and such, but overall, it’s all the same. “Ah yes, there’s the Pru. And there’s that really pretty and calm reflecting pool and empty space area I used to sit by and write and such.

It felt like home (because it kind of it). It felt so comfortable to walk down Boylston and Mass Ave. (Ah yeah, these are my jams!)

It just felt good to be back.

I already knew that California was like a magical time machine, but I didn’t know how great Boston would feel too.

These places bring me back to a feeling of how I felt in the past…

And wouldn’t it just be so lovely indeed if the biggest boy problem I had was like, “he didn’t text me for 2 days and I don’t know what that means,” instead of like, “I’m having trouble feeling safe around people.” Of course it would!

Of course it’s nice to go back to these places before I’d met this dude – where I don’t have to worry about running into him, or people who love him, etc.

And when I go to them, I feel free and happy and it feels like years ago.

But here’s the thing. It’s not years ago. It’s 2017. And if I can feel happy and relaxed and safe in Los Angeles or in Boston, ostensibly, I should be able to feel that way in New York. 

And I need to get in a new mindset that’s not about how I “just wanna go back,” “just wanna go home,” but how I just just wanna go forward

I need to push my head a little so it’s not facing backward, and show it what’s in front of it – and I need to make that good!

[Disclaimer, I do still have posts to post throughout this hiatus that do talk about the past and things I’m sad I lost. So you will see some more from the “past,” but of course, as always, feel free not to read them if you don’t want!]