Aurora's Blog

So, someone I knew well and enjoyed like 8 years ago, called me the other day.

And it was just really nice.

I know I keep thinking about time and how weird it is and wondering if I’m accomplishing anything and all that jazz. And I think I took parts of the pandemic hard…

But it was interesting, because he asked how I thought I was different from when he last saw me. And I think so much about how I changed in the last 2 – 3 years, that it was nice to be asked to expand that more.

So, it wasn’t just “oh, I’ve been hardened, and I gained some pandemic weight.” It was “I became an editor!” I did a number of things. I grew in career. I got some degrees.

There’ve been a number of changes and not all of them are bad, and here’s hoping that 8 years from now I maybe have it a little more together.

[I’ve been having a lot of kind of ups and downs around this graduating time. Many days feel really good, but some feel really not good. And I dunno. This is one of the ones that feels not so good. So, you can skip this melancholy one if you want, but it didn’t feel authentic to try to skip all the bad and only post good. I dunno!]

(Obv that’s true about these new crazy pictures from space where we’re seeing the past. But also, just in my own life.)

So, as you may know, a couple of weeks ago, I got back to LA from grad school.

And I feel… basically exactly like I did at the top of the pandemic.

At the very top of the pandemic, I had just ended one job, and was just about to start another one… when the show was shelved because of pandemic screwing with the production schedule.

So, I wasn’t working. I wasn’t back to school yet. And things I could do were greatly affected, because I couldn’t really go anywhere (for the most part).

Weirdly, I actually feel more concerned about Covid now than at the top of the pandemic.

At the top of the pandemic, I was pretty good about precautions, but I went and gave blood the first day of lockdown, since it was still an “essential” activity that was allowed.

And while I mainly stayed home, I liked to go out for things we were ‘allowed’ to do – outdoor walks, and the like.

And generally people weren’t going out nearly as much, and so many things were shut down, it felt a little safer.

It’s so funny how surreal it was when the pandemic first started, and I saw no traffic outside my apartment which was wild, since there’s always traffic outside my apartment.

And now I got so used to that, it’s weird that traffic is back!

And the virus is so much more transmissible in this current strain. (And we’re learning about how it affects things long-term. That’s my biggest fear right there – Long Covid, or other diseases.)

So… here am I, back at it again. No job. No school. Trying to avoid outside as much as possible. Putting around, looking for what to do next.

Tbh, it was kind of novel the first time around. (I mean no disrespect to healthcare workers or people who had a very traumatic first few months of the pandemic to be like ‘oh it was so novel!’)

But in my experience, I was writing more songs, and trying to keep creative and encourage friends. I caught up with people I hadn’t talked to in a while, since everyone had time for zoom back then.

I organized parts of my room I’d been ‘meaning to get around to’, since I was always home and had the time.

I actually didn’t mind the first 6 months, give or take.

But it feels a lot less novel now. Not many people are quarantining anymore (even though the new variant is just rampaging through the world!).

And I have/had a lot of dreams. Taking off a handful of weeks from things (when I was still doing much of what I loved on zoom), when the whole world was doing that, didn’t seem like that big of a deal.

But now it being 2 1/2 years later feels really… I dunno… overwhelming?

And I can still take some dance classes on zoom. I can still work out at home. And many of my dreams in life have to do with dance and working out. So, that’s the main thing. Being home doesn’t affect editing much, but it does affect spontaneity, and dance, and doing an Ironman someday, etc.

Anyway, I’m not really saying anything… it’s just surreal because it’s like “here I am… 2 1/2 years ago.” But it feels different. I gotta find ways to keep that hope up… And to get back in to shape. I have fluctuated a lot in the pandemic, and I stated in the birthday goals, I’m ready to be the hottest I’ve ever been!

Anyway, we’ll see what happens, but it’s just – it’s all surreal. Time has felt like it’s moved in a weirder, stagnant, backwards way for me more in this pandemic than in any other time in my life.

I am just so fascinated with people, and social media, and what strikes a nerve and what doesn’t.

Constance Wu came back to social media today, telling us about the past three years of her life, and her new book coming out.

She had some huge internet backlash those few years ago when she complained that her TV show was renewed, when it meant she was going to miss out on a movie she wanted to do. People were saying she should be grateful for steady work, and that her show being renewed meant probably over 100 people got to keep their jobs, and she should be grateful for that as well.

To some extent, that’s probably true. But there seemed to be no room at the time for her to express her disappointment in playing the same mom character for so many years, when she had so many other things she wanted to do. And sure, maybe it wasn’t appropriate to express it publicly, but she was bullied off the internet for three years, and as she said in her comeback announcement today, the backlash was so severe, the shame got so out of control, she literally tried to kill herself.

And it’s interesting because I remember at the time feeling like people were kind of overreacting to some pretty tame tweets from someone who was merely disappointed she was missing an opportunity for one she’d outgrown.

And now, practically all the responses today were defending her. Many talked about how Ellen Pompeo has been loudly talking about wanting to end Grey’s Anatomy for years, even though it also is steady work where she gets paid an extraordinarily hefty salary, and lots of people are employed on the show. But no one hates on her for it. And people were wondering if in large part that’s because Ellen Pompeo is white and Constance Wu, and many other POC performers are expected to just be ‘grateful for what they have’.

And I think there may be something to the idea of some underlying racism for her. I’m glad the tide has changed. I don’t know if it’s just time, or if it’s that so many absolutely wild things have changed in the last three years that just nobody cares about such a tame scandal anymore or what. But it’s just so interesting to see this redemption arc happening in real time.

Sometimes, I think it’s slightly hard to tell who truly ‘deserves’ a big public redemption and renaissance of their work. [That’s a whole huge thing I almost typed out here, but I’ll save it for another time.] But I think Constance Wu absolutely definitely didn’t deserve all the vitriol in the first place, so in my opinion she owes us nothing, and we probably owe her some of that time she can’t get back. So, I hope to read her new book!

It’s official!

I’ve been working hard through all of grad school to try to get a 4.0.

I don’t know if it truly matters, really, in grad school. But I have small dreams of potentially getting more master’s degrees after this.

And in undergrad, between all the various issues (multiple semesters in the hospital, etc. etc.) [and also just who I am as a person, what I chose to prioritize, and what I was good at vs. not], I got in the vicinity of like 3.2-3.3.

And so I thought having 3 semesters in a row, and a whole grad degree in which I got a 4.0 would *hopefully* set me up better for applying to things in the future.

For the most part in grad school, this wasn’t hard. We were learning about things I’d learned about before. I didn’t really struggle with any of the material. But it’s artsy stuff, so it is very subjective.

And there were some tiny close calls – like how in my business class, I very specifically asked a question about something for my final project, and took their advice, but they didn’t like the *way* I presented the advice they gave, so I still got an A- on my final project. But because I had an A in the class, ultimately I still got an A in the class.

And for the summer semester, basically all we had to do was our final performance and our thesis. And I didn’t really know how those things would be received.

I mean, I definitely thought I incorporated the notes I got and everything. But I still wasn’t sure if I incorporated them as well as I thought, or what they ultimately were thinking overall about my project. So, fingers were crossed.

And today I found out, officially, I got a 4.0 in grad school!

Yay!

I know the sheen is wearing off, and you might be wondering “how long is she gonna talk about grad school?” And not that much longer, I think!

[Though I think the rule should be that I get to talk about it at least until the day I get my diploma in the mail, and that has not been received yet. So, I can still do what I want!]

Of course I still have so many dreams, and I know there are many more possible degrees, and an M.A. is maybe one of the ‘least impressive’ grad degrees (as I think of it as kind of the least specific).

So, I’m not trying to be like “oooooh la la la la look at me!” – like it’s the absolute biggest deal.

But, as I always have, ever since I’ve been like 17, I’m in a constant midlife crisis, wondering what’s next.

And while there are so many things that could be next. And I’m putting some things in motion and wondering about other things, I’m so happy that one thing is done!

As you may have seen hinted at in this very blog over the years, I always flirted with the idea of going back to school. And it always just felt like so much – so much left, gonna be so old when I finish, whatever.

And I never let that in and of itself stop me, because that would’ve been a silly reason by itself.

It was always more of a location/time/money thing, and everything kind of aligned in the pandemic.

But many times I’ve seen people who’ve done things [and I guess specifically for this post, school] ‘late’ (e.g. people who went into med school in their 30s or 40s (or even one woman on Tik Tok in her 50s!), or any schooling – bachelor’s, law, whatever), in general when people who are in the same boat and scared to go back comment for advice, people are like “the time is going by anyway. Yeah, you might not be 22 when you finish. But would you rather be [32, 42, etc. – whatever age they’d be when complete] and still have it as a dream, or would you rather be that age and be done?

And while I do feel older every single year (funny how that works), and I want to do a lot more things, I’m glad these things are actually done.

Bachelor’s degree, done. Master of Arts, done. I don’t have to worry about going another year and adding more math to how old I’d be when I’m graduated, because I am graduated! It’s done!

…Now I gotta start looking into MMs, DMAs, PhDs, and/or MFAs, and heck maybe a JD, MPH, MBA, MD even – the world is my oyster! 😉

I didn’t need much medical care in Morocco, but the little I did need was stellar.

Really just 2 small things.

1 is kinda gross. So, if you don’t wanna hear about a little rash, just navigate away and come back tomorrow.

But my boobs have gotten WAY too big in the pandemic. I’ve gained some weight, and that’s a spot I seem to have gained a lot. And I ended up having enough weird underboob sweat or whatever that the way my boobs rubbed against my bra or my clothes or something, I got this super red rash that looked really bad. (And it hurt.)

While I was in Tangier, I went looking for a pharmacy to see if they would know a cream I could use.

There was a doctor ON SIGHT in the pharmacy – who was FREE to see. And she was a WOMAN! I always say there aren’t enough girls in Morocco. But thankfully, when I needed one most, there she was.

She pointed out ointment and a spray, and instructed me how to use them together. Rash cleared up within a few days.

The second thing that happened was I accidentally ran out of allergy meds while there.

And the people in my hotel said I could go to the allergist if I wanted. They had somebody ready and willing. They’d even go with me if I wanted help to make sure if there were any language barriers, I’d be okay.

But also, he was able to just prescribe things he thought would help, without even seeing me.

So, I don’t know the full extent of Morocco’s medical care, and how things would be in a true emergency. But I got prescriptions (that cost a negligible amount) from 2 different doctors (who cost me absolutely nothing to see, or to just communicate with through someone at the hotel).

I am grateful for aspects of medical care in the US. But it’s always hilarious to me how cheap and easy it is in other countries.

(Sorry, I know there’s been a fair amount of insecurity lately, but like… I just graduated grad school. I’m in a life transition, so cut a girl a break. ;))

But, as you can probably tell from the blog I’ve been thinking a lot lately about ‘what’s next,’ and as I’ve mentioned, I’ve been trying to package ‘what’s been.’

And also, randomly, I’ve been trying to organize the blog a little better. As you know, as of this moment, I’m extraordinarily far behind in my posts. (You’re missing multiple international trips, and much of the Wheel of Fortune story, etc.)

And as I’ve been looking around the blog, I noticed the page for the 52 Performances in 52 Weeks only had like 3 listed. (Somehow I just never filled in the page – whoops!) So, I’ve been going back to try to fill it in with all the rest.

[I was so scared that maybe somewhere along the way I had fallen behind on those blog posts and they weren’t even done, and I was going to have to somehow do my best to piece together what the 52 different things had been, because I definitely don’t remember all this time later. But thankfully, alas, everything has been blogged. I just needed to put it in a list.]

Anyway… I’ve been reading a few them. (And even some of the ones I haven’t been reading, I remember fairly well once I see the title.)

And it’s funny because that year was when I was in BMI the first time. And you can feel the stress off of me on every. single. assignment.

And I know it was a stressful time in my life for multiple reasons, and I know some of that was seeping in, I also did legitimately care that much about BMI.

And it’s sort of funny because I’ve never considered myself to be an “anxious” person, per se. Like, when people describe anxiety, I don’t imagine myself. I don’t have problems ordering at restaurants, or talking to people on the phone – those kinds of things I always hear about with anxiety.

But. The way I talk about the things I care about… it feels a little anxious. I mean, when you hear me talk about BMI the first time around, you would think I was going to be sent to a guillotine if my song didn’t go well.

(Not that I’m saying I definitely think of myself as anxious or anything. I’m just saying I love how much I deeply cared about things.)

And of course I can laugh looking back on it now, because I made it to BMI Advanced. I have nothing to worry about anymore. Of course once a place feels like home and you are completely and fully accepted, you can put your feet up a little and have fun.

Of course I still respect BMI, and feel very lucky to be in the Advanced Workshop. It’s not that I’m less thankful now. It’s just that I feel like I can bring in a song I’m unsure about without worrying I’m gonna die (I’m exaggerating, but you get the gist) if it goes poorly.

And BMI wasn’t the only thing I ever felt that way about. I’d get those butterfly-in-my-stomach feelings for starting jobs, auditions, interviews…

And I kinda liked feeling so hyper-vigilantly nervous – where every detail was burning itself in my brain.

And it’s not the same kind of nervous as if I just tried to find the scariest rollercoaster or whatever, but it’s this sort of “my life could change today” kind of nervousness that’s like this hopefully, thrilling nervousness.

And I guess technically, your life could change literally any day… but it’s a little more likely on a day you’re interviewing, or auditioning, that kind of stuff – the things where there really is a lil’ fork in your road. (But we can definitely points to times people’s lives have changed when that wasn’t the case.)

Anyway, I wanna feel that again. And of course, there has to be a way. God willing, I’ll get nominated for an Emmy one of these years, and I’m sure I’ll feel that in the audience as I wait to see who wins. I’d probably feel it nomination morning as well.

I might interview for an incredible job. (I mean… if I want an Emmy, we have to assume I’ve gotten an incredible job.) So, if I was about to interview with Last Week Tonight, I’d have that, I think.

So, it’s not impossible in any way to feel that again… And I guess in some ways, it’s not good to be that stressed all the time. And there’ve been plenty of times in my life I wasn’t feeling that…

But… I dunno… I like to care way too much. I like to be the girl who gives such a performance of “Fine, Fine Line” in high school that people thought she was in the heartbreak of a lifetime when really she was singing about a ‘Fine, Fine Line’ between having the senior year she worked for, or not getting cast in things [and it feeling like the end of the universe if she didn’t get cast in some great leads]. (And yes, I just read the blog post where I mentioned that story haha. I had completely forgotten about it, otherwise. It’s not a defining moment of my life, but it did seem relevant after just having read about it.)

I like deeply caring. I like caring ‘too much’ even. I like caring about things that other people think are silly, but they matter sooooooo much to me. So.. yeah, I just need something to which to have that painful-in-a-good-way, hopeful-hopeful-hopeful, gonna-feel-like-it’s-death-if-this-doesn’t-work-out care about.

So, now that grad school’s over, I’m spending all this time trying to sort of ‘brand’ myself and figuring out what’s next.

And I’m making this sort of cute infographic thing. Actually, here, I’ll just put this in, so you can see what I’m talking about. (I cut off the top part, since it has more personal contact info on it, like for employers and stuff.)

Anyway!

So, I’ve been working on making a sort of infographic (for various grants and things), and working on a ‘normal person looking resume’ so I have options potentially outside of editing for a little while, and just various things to try to ‘brand’ myself better. (Tbh, I probably also should be thinking about whatever websites I have as well.)

And the infographic already leaves me with all these questions like, whenever I’m not applying to something specifically left-leaning and/or politically motivated/backed, should I put something else in that spot, and if so, what?

Also, is the pic I picked from a game show fun and dynamic, or does it make me look crazy? Is the adventure one fun, or am I not wearing enough clothes? And on and on questions.

(This maybe should’ve been two different blog posts, one talking about how to brand myself, and one talking about the sort of ’emotional’ stuff that brings up, but the infographic is not that important, as it’s supposed to be sort of a little ‘extra’ fun thing for various applications, so let’s not get lost in it [though I will take notes if you have them], but anyway, to my original point – )

As I’m trying to ‘brand’ my accomplishments to look impressive, or creative, etc. I’m just realizing how many ‘stories’ I have. People want to know about game shows and travels and all this stuff.

And that’s awesome. And it’s cool that I’ve lived like a million lifetimes. But it also just feels like I have so many stories that
a) It makes me nervous I’m like ‘old’ now. Like, how many millions of lives must I be living to have that many stories?
b) So many of my stories are pre-pandemic. I mean… I guess I did see the pyramids and make friends in Morocco and have the trip of a lifetime with Alex in the pandemic. So… I dunno… maybe the pandemic is starting to turn around to really be something. But… I dunno. I’m just feeling insecure…

And I’m also feeling a scared-ness for a lack-of-newness.

Like, I love running marathons, and scuba diving, and traveling, and all that. And I’m sure when I truly get back to it all in full force, it’ll be lovely. The bits of adventure I have had in the pandemic have been lovely!

But also… is that my life now? While all marathons, and all dives, and all game shows, etc. are different… on the one hand, I love that I’ve found kind of a ‘niche’ or whatever of where I fit in, at the whatever the world is at the intersection of those things. On the other, I’m worried there’s only so much true ‘newness’ to those things. (I can feel that way about especially have marathons, since I think I’ve done over 100, but not about scuba diving yet, as I’m not even rescue certified haha). But you get what I’m saying.

Maybe I just need to find more dance stuff. that’s a newness. I don’t have a ton of accomplishments or ‘stories’ in dance.

I dunno. I’m just craving something. Some kind of change or movement or something.

And I know your life generally doesn’t change unless you change it… but I do have to figure out how I want to change it, if I want a chance at successfully doing it.

It feels so wild and so excited to be… done.

For anyone who hasn’t been around, I’ve now been in school for 7 straight semesters [starting summer 2020, then fall (2020) spring/summer/fall (2021), and then spring/summer (2022)].

I went back to undergrad after years away because of the pandemic. And then I rolled straight into graduate school. And in many ways, that’s been very cool. But grad school especially has felt a little exhausting.

It’s not that grad school was incredibly hard, per se. I think it was actually easier than undergrad.

[Undergrad was out of my usual wheelhouse – engineering/math/all that. Grad school, was stuff I knew well (musical theater)… But it was time consuming.]

And even though I had some weeks off between semesters, it felt like there was always something. Like, in undergrad, I had to complete saxophone proficiencies I had to study for between semesters. And I had to work on thesis projects for my majors and minors. And in grad school, it was all geared toward our final thesis.

So, this is the first time in 7 semesters (a bit over 2 years) that I get a real and true complete break. No homework. No projects. No nothing.

And while i don’t like to have nothing to do for too long, there is something that’s always so nice about a liiiiittle bit of time to decompress after a big project. And it’s been really nice to just… watch TV. I’m gonna catch up on a lot I’ve missed, and I dunno. It just feels so good in this moment to relax and do whatever I want… including nothing for a second.

I didn’t know they could do that?! haha That they can just like… close Spain. But apparently… they can?!

At that point, I’ve been in Tangier for like… forever. And I kept thinking I’d get around to taking the ferry for funsies. So, toward the end of my time there, I’m like, “yeah, let’s ride that ferry, baby!”

I got over there. And it’s just… closed! If the wind is too bad, they’ll straight up close the ferry.

[I’ve been told that if you wanted to stay in Morocco after 90 days, the easiest way would be to go to Spain on day 89 and come back and your time resets. So, if you’d really needed to go to Spain, you’d think it COULD be stressful. But if Spain’s closed, you could actually just get in a car and drive to one of the Spanish cities that are technically on the continent. You don’t have to cross water. And you’d cross there.

But I was nowhere near my 90 days, so nothing to worry about… except I just wanted to see what the ferry’s deal was. But alas! haha]

Morocco can be so random haha, and it’s pretty awesome!

I was just walking along the beach at night, because why not? I love the feeling of sand under my feet. And I like the crisp night air.

So, I’m out on the beach on the phone, talking to my aunt.

And all of a sudden, this dude comes up to me and asks if I want to ride his horse.

I say thanks, but I didn’t bring out any money with me. So, I’m good. And he’s like “no, no, it’s free!” And I go, “I’m sorry. I literally brought no money out with me tonight. I was just walking along the beach. I don’t even have enough to tip, even if you give the ride for free. I got nothin’ on me.”

And he was like, “ride anyway! I’m just here for fun!”

So, then I told me aunt, “I guess I’m riding a horse, then!”

And then I rode a random horse around the beach!

I know it’s always so silly to do American stuff in a foreign country.
But I was in Tangier for a while, and I have the palatte of a 5-year old, and fast food is cheap!

While walking around the city, I did check out a few of the American places.

I stopped at the fanciest McDonald’s I’ve ever seen! It was so clean and gorgeous with an outdoor patio. And they had various things we didn’t have – including jalapeño poppers (or as they call it, croquettes au fromage relevees au poivron).

KFC doesn’t have tons of stuff they normally do (like macaroni & cheese, mashed potatoes, etc.). [In America, I think of KFC as super vegetarian friendly because they have a bunch of things like that. At KFC in Morocco, practically everything has meat.]

I had some delicious Starbucks (yummy, yummy). [It was multiple miles each way, so I think I walked off any Starbucks calories I had.]

And I think that pretty much wraps up the silly American things I did while in Tangier. [There was a Pizza Hut within walking distance. And I always meant to go there, but I’m assuming it’s a lot like the Pizza Hut in America. Maybe next time!]

Oh! Actually, one last silly thing.

The hotel manager guy I told you who was going above and beyond?

One day I was talking to him about grilled cheese sandwiches. He had never heard of the concept. They don’t have them at all in Morocco, but then they made me some! [I wasn’t like being so American asking for some, but just when he was asking me about food I liked, he clocked that and sent me a grilled cheese.]

Wild. The hospitality in Morocco is unmatched.

As I’d been looking for places to go sailing, one place was SO nice to me and was bummed they couldn’t accommodate me on my birthday. And they offered me a free sail!

Now, at this point, I’d already gone sailing haha. But I appreciated the offer, and I’m not gonna turn down a free sail. So, I went out to City Island in the Bronx (my first time there), and went sailing again.

I knew my way around a boat a little better this time. We practiced navigating around these little mini-islands.

Steve was so nice. He even brought a piece of birthday cake!

And basically, for some reason, before I ever went sailing, I thought it was a thing – like a thing you really had to pay attention to, like it would be exercise or something.

And I’m sure in competitive sailing, it probably is. But here [on both this sail and the other one]? We were just chillin’. Sailing can be really chill. You just sit back and let the wind take you!

I really enjoyed Tangier!

It was one of my top cities in Morocco. It’s got it all.

I took one of those little city buses around to see everything, which was cool.

I also just walked a lot, which was fun. Hanging out on the marina a fair amount. If there’s one thing I love… it’s a marina haha.

Went to the castle-like place and posed around all the cannons.

Took a day trip to Tetouan, which was a fine city, but nothing I found intrinsically different than a lot of the rest.

Hung out at the mall! Even tried laser hair removal to for the first time. (You don’t get a lot of results after just one go of it, but it wasn’t too scary. The woman was nice.) Got some sunglasses, since I constantly lose mine.

And yeah, just had a grand ol’ little time in Tangier.

The wind was wild while I was there. I asked if I could go scuba diving multiple times, but alas… not this time around. (I also couldn’t find a female instructor to save my life.)

Next time, I hope!

I think I may have mentioned this before, but because of the regulations of guides vs drivers in Morocco made it so Mohammed wasn’t allowed to do certain things with me. He’d have to get me a guide instead.

And I’d say so many times that I just didn’t think there were ever enough girls in Morocco. So… he found me a female guide! Khadijah, who was very cool.

Kadijah took me around, and my favorite thing was she told me about being a woman in Morocco, and how there were protests for rights, and their current King was the one who granted them. So, we love this current King. He’s like the “King for the Women,” as some think of him.

She told me she’d been working for practically the whole time that women had been allowed to do the same jobs as the men. And when I was talking about the lack of women I’d seen, she said it was probably because so many of the places I’d been thus far were fairly small cities, but in the bigger cities, more women are doing more things.

She took me around to some shops, and showed me various customs and things, like places that had special containers for wedding gifts, and how that works.

And then she took me all around. We went to see the gates of the Royal Palace (beautiful). The Fes Tanneries. The Medersa el-Attarine (where I got to go look at the very rooms students used who used to study there). In general, we went all around the medina to little shops and things. And I learned that people buy their grocery really just a couple of days worth at a time, really, usually, since fresh fish and meat are brought everyday.

We had a really love time in Fes, and then we keep it rolling tomorrow!

So, my bff Mohammed wasn’t allowed to do a lot of stuff with me, because Morocco makes VERY definitive lines between “guides” vs “drivers.” And there are licenses and things you have to have to be an official guide.

So, in some of the more touristy areas, he’d have to kind of drop me off.

So, he did drop me off at Kasbah des Oudayas, and told me to walk around a bit and then he’d meet up with me again.

And then, when you get in there, it’s a little weird, because guides will just start following you. And one was following me, and I kept saying “no thanks, no thanks, no thanks, I can walk around on my own.”

And THEN another guide chases him off. So, then I try to walk away, but THAT guide was like “he’s not even certified. He’s my guide license.” And I’m like “it’s okay! I don’t need a guide. I’ll just walk around.” And he was like “no, I’m a real guide! Here’s my license!” And I’m like “I believe you! I just don’t need one.”

But then he kept following me around and not giving up, so since guides weren’t that expensive in American dollars, I relented. And he walked me around, and showed me some things – including his own home! He was an older man and had a picture of himself from back in the day, which was very cute.

And he took me down to this little place of the castle that was closed off, but apparently he knew the official people, as he talked to them as we went right past them to the door it didn’t seem like we were supposed to go in, so I guess that was cool that I got to go down and see that.

And then after we went all around that, I thought Mohammed was still eating lunch, and a cab was literally $2 [US]. So, we hailed a cab and went to the Hassan Tower/Mausoleum of Mohamed V, and saw the guards who sit on the white horses outside.

There was a school group there, and they were so cute and excitable, so that was adorable.

And then that area was closing, and so we wanted to run by by the Royal Palace of Rabat, so we called Mohammed to get him to come meet us and grab us.

And then we went to the Palace. But you weren’t able to really get anywhere near it. You had to stand pretty far away and just get your pic with the palace pretty way in the background. So, that was that.

And that was it with the new rando tour guide, and then Mohammed and I went on our way.

I remember when I was out camping on an island in Mexico that one of the things I loooooved was looking up at the stars at night.

There was no light pollution on the island. There were hardly any people on the island. It was a protected place. You had to get a special permit to camp there.

And being out there, you could just really, fully see the whole night sky, and it was so lovely.

And so when I was in the Sahara desert, I was in my cabin and thought, “wait a minute. I’m pretty far out from civilization right now. I wonder if the sky is pretty.”

And I went outside and the sand felt so great on my feet. And I just looked up at the stars and tried to take it all in.

(I know the moon never translates to photos – especially iPhone photos as nice as it was in person. But I took the little picture in this post anyway :-))

So, that’s another night in the desert, and I’ll get to more Morocco tomorrow!

Now, this is the place!

“The Moroccan Hollywood,” sometimes referred to as “Ouarzawood.”

There was a display I saw that had 3 clocks, so you could see the time in Hollywood, Ourzawood, and Bollywood – the 3 worldly movie ‘woods’.

So, basically, we went to Atlast Film Studios, and it felt like home!

It felt like I was at Sony pictures or something!

Basically, they take you around from set to set. And they explained how SO many countries are represented there, telling us that since so many countries in Asia and Africa either have high tax rates for movie studios, or they have hoops to get permits (for historical or other reasons), or they have political unrest, etc. – whatever the reasons, Morocco is one of the easiest places to film if you need it to look like Jordan, Egypt, China – whatever you need it to look like.

They told us various movies that were filmed there, and each of us got a turn pretending to be Cleopatra, while the other people in the group would help hype up the Cleopatra (by opening doors and stuff for videos, while ‘Cleopatra’ would be hanging out in a chariot-type-thing)!

I also went to the Cinema muse, which I just explored on my own a bit.

It was a very cool, chill day, and I loved Ourrzazate. (It’s possible I mainly loved it because it felt like home. But why ever I loved it, I loved it!)

While I was in the Sahara Desert (off the city of Merzouga in the dunes of Erg Chebbi), we did a few small adventures.

We went to hang out with some nomads, so I could get a sense of what their life was like.

I didn’t take pictures, or take my phone into their tent, because I didn’t think it was respectful to treat them like a spectacle or anything.

The Nomads are basically people who just live wherever they can find, and just move from place to place when need be. They don’t have traditional jobs, and make money how they can with milk from their animals, or crafts the women make.

It felt a little weird. I didn’t even know if it was okay to go, but I was told we were invited, and they liked meeting people and sharing their lives, and it’s a way for them to make money, as we give them a little money, just for stopping by.

They’d made us homemade bread, which was delicious. And there were three children. And we learn that, because they’re so far from society, the children don’t go to school.

It was so sad for me to learn that the plan is that Fatimah never gets an education, never learns to read, and is married off to someone else around 18 years old.

And again, I always feel conflicted about judging people’s futures because it’s like, “Am I just bringing in some Western ideal?” But also like, what kind of life is that for her?

Maybe in some ways it could be simple and nice to just hang with your family for life. Maybe if you don’t have access to lots of things, or lots of education, you’re able to just be content.

But also like… we only get one shot at life. Is Fatimah gonna spend it cooking and cleaning for other people all day, and never even learning to read?

(Mohammed said if I send him some Arabic children’s books on learning to read, he’ll give them to Fatimah.)

And then as we were leaving, Mohammed said I could give the money to the man in the house. But then I asked if I could give it to the woman instead.

And he was like “well, it just usually goes to the man.” And I’m like “But I CAN give it to the woman, yeah?”

He thought it was a little out of tradition, but I did it! I know it’s not really my place to challenge norms in Morocco, but I just wanted to make sure that woman felt really seen (even though I’m reasonably sure she just handed the money to the man in the house after I left).

On the way to Morocco, I had a little layover in Paris, and it was so peaceful!

The last time I had had a layover in Paris, since I had to fully switch airports, I had to bring all my bags with me and everything. So, it was kind of just a ride through Paris. I didn’t get to get out and explore much.

So, this time around, free of bags, I went to a row of cafes by the Eiffel tower, and got some Parisian deliciousness! Everything was very chocolatey and smooth.

And then I took a little stroll by the Eiffel tower. And it was hella in the morning, so I was one of the first people out for the day. And it was just so calm and beautiful to be basically watching the sunrise in Paris by the Eiffel Tower.

And then I had to head back to the airport, because my layover was only so long. But it was nice to enjoy while I was there!

I said before that when I take international trips, I’m probably gonna write posts about if I were to go back, so I have a place to look to see what I missed last time, and what I’d like to do, should I find myself back there.

In Egypt, I didn’t actually do all that much, really. So, rather than be able to write a post on what more I’d add, it’s more like I’d basically do it all.

I’d maybe even like to go back to the pyramids, since apparently you’re allowed to go inside them, and I didn’t know that.

I would just be way more stern, way more hypervigilant, and maybe book with a luxury service? Or at least one that seemed super trustworthy?

I’d like to do the safari park thing between Giza and Cairo. I’d like to visit the library in Alexandria. I’d like to visit Dakab. Maybe someday I’ll make my way back to Egypt and give it another go, but probably not someday soon.

Picking up from yesterday –

Okay, so the night before, I’d asked the hotel guy about getting a Covid test to go home. He said they were hard to get in Egypt. (Other people had said this too, so I didn’t think this was just him messing with me.)

And he said we’d work it out in the morning.

So, the other tour guide guy came in the morning, gave me a little money back, and took me to Cairo, and dropped me off at a major intersection, and I walked to the Egyptian museum, where I met a cool Australian tourist who walked around with me. And he kinda thought it was hilarious when I regaled him with my stories of what a mark I’d been these past few days, basically in a very nice way being like “you are awful at this/navigating Egypt hahahaha.”

He was super, super nice about it though, and always putting a positive spin on it, and basically being like, “hey, you learned a lot in this trip. And that hopefully helps you in the future.”

But, while i was in the museum, I felt a little bad, because I spent a fair amount of the time distracted by other stuff going on – which was mainly the Covid stuff.

So, I felt slightly at the mercy of the hotel guy because I didn’t know local places to get Covid tested, and I had to have a negative test to get on the plane/back into America.

So, we were messaging back and forth. And I’m telling him I just need a Rapid test, as that’s what’s required. And he keeps telling me to get a PCR.

(He has made it very clear at this point he barely even believes in Covid, so the PCR is not an extra step for my health. It’s to make more commission off of the money I’d be paying the doctor.)

I reiterate I only want a Rapid.

Then he tries to tell me a “Rapid is part of a PCR.” And I’m like, no it’s not? They’re separate tests?

He asks for a copy of my passport. I give him a photo that’s on my phone (as I left my actual passport at the hotel). And he’s like “the photo isn’t clear enough.” Even though it was clear, as anything else I’d used it for (including registering with the scuba diving people) was fine.

So, then I finally ask like “Can I truly not just get one at a pharmacy? Does it have to be this whole thing with you bringing a doctor in?”

And he’s like “Are you joking?”

And I’m like “I’m not joking. I just don’t understand why everything is always so hard?” So then I say forget it. I’ll figure it out.

And he’s like, “do you honestly think a pharmacy is gonna do a PCR? hahahaha”

And I’m all “I don’t need a PCR! I need a rapid!”

So he’s like “Fine. Do figure it out on your own. Good idea”

And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow.

So, after the Sphinx, the camel guide told me he was going to drop me off with my guide. And he started to walk me out of the general pyramid area.

So, then as we get to the parking lot, I’m like “okay, where’s my guide?” And he’s like “just keep following me, we’re going to him.” And the farther we walk, the more I’m kinda like “where’s my guide?”

And he tells me to just keep following him.

And finally, he WALKS INTO A PERFUME STORE. And I stand FIRM outside the store, NOT going in. (We are not about to have a repeat of the old perfume story from the previous day.)

And he comes back out when he realizes I’m not following him. And I’m like WHERE. IS. MY. GUIDE?!

And he was like “oh, here. He’s in here. So, I just peek my head in and see my guide. And I was like “pyramids are OVER. Let’s GO”

And then he’s just trying to act like he was trying to ‘show me something cool’. And I’m sure some people think perfume is cool. I’m just SO TIRED of people trying to sell me stuff. I don’t like stuff, generally. I like experiences. And if I AM gonna buy stuff, it’s so remember the cool experiences. So, like… aye aye aye.

Anyway, any time you show any frustration, even a little, guides and stuff kind of freak out. I think because they don’t want bad reviews online. But also, this is some guy with a tiny ‘company’ that I just booked through WhatsApp off of a guide book. I don’t know if he has a website. I don’t know the name of his ‘company.’ Like, who am I gonna tell that this sucks?

(I guess I could tell you all. And specifically I haven’t mentioned anyone’s name in Egypt, ’cause I don’t want to mention the names of people I didn’t enjoy.) But like… I’m not Kylie Jenner. I don’t think enough people read this blog to affect him in any meaningful way, even if I did specifically put him on blast.)

Anyway, then he wants to convince me to stay to watch papyrus be made.

And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow.

Picking up from last time –

First, I went to Saqqara, which has a pyramid older than “the pyramids” we usually know.

There’s also a tomb you can go in, and it’s wild because, as you can see below, the wall looks unassuming, but if you hold your flashlight on it the right way (as the guide did for me), it makes a special picture!

(I do not understand how that works.)

I was warned at this place that people would be trying to take pictures with you. Don’t do it, because they want money.

Now, I was prepared to go in and just say “no.” That didn’t seem too hard, but when they say people are going to try to get you to take pictures with them, what they mean is not that people will call you over… They mean that if you are standing for your own picture, all of a sudden, you will feel the hand of a man on your shoulder, and they will be taking a picture with you.

And I tried to basically politely be like “oh no, thanks,” but they wouldn’t really take no for an answer. And then they act sweet like “no, no, don’t worry about it. I just want to share Egypt with you. This is just for fun,” as they literally start to like put a scarf on your head and hand you cane.

And if you let your guard down a little and allow them to put something on your head, boom. That’s it. They’re expecting money.

Like, you have to be on GUARD in Egypt.

Like, for REAL. All the time, if you try to say no to something, they’ll try to convince you that you’re not really agreeing. You’re ‘just seeing’ or someone’s ‘just being nice’ or whatever. But NO. If you give people a millimeter, they will take a foot.

So, when people say don’t take pictures with people here, they don’t mean just say no. They mean like *immediately* physically move far away when someone touches your shoulder – unless you want to be paying to take pictures with strangers.

(And if you do, you are gonna have a field day here!) But if you don’t, it’s less of a “say no if someone asks,” and it’s more of an “actively avoid, because they won’t ask [and will just start].”

Picking up from yesterday –

One fun thing I forgot to mention is that I didn’t realize until this ceremony that there are specific colors based on your type of degree!

And since my degree is in music, that means I get pink! Isn’t that cool?! It was awesome when I got my cap and gown and saw pink on the tassel!

So, after the ceremony, we started just walking away from the venue. The main immediate goal was to get out of the crowd. And then we’d figure out if we wanted to uber or what.

We stopped at a Starbucks. The professor that I hugged texted me while we were there. He asked if we were still around because he wanted to meet my parents. And he ended up swinging by the Starbucks!

So, that was very cool. And it was so funny to hear this amazing Grammy-winning man, who was also an artist in his own right, who’d been signed with Virgin Records (for 3 albums), and toured, and did all this amazing stuff, just like relating to my parents and talking about what it’s like to have kids in school. I mean, I know of course he is a person, but I just found that kinda funny.

After they chatted, and he left, we checked and ubers pretty wildly expensive. And we lucked out, since the T was right there. So we took the T into Boston.

And THEN! We went to see the Red Sox play.

This was really nice because I found out after the fact that going to Fenway Park was on my dad’s bucket list! If I would’ve known that, we wouldn’t have wasted time even throwing out any other ideas. But luckily, it didn’t matter since Fenway was what we landed on.

I wanted to go in the cute little white skirt I was wearing, but my parents convinced me to change into one of my long skirts from Egypt as it was cold. I wish I put a little more thought/look into the fit (and probably worn the white skirt instead of the red one, although if I really cared that much, I’m sure there’s an editing program that can change the color for me).

Anyway… I know this is a short post, but I’ll stop here, so I have a good starting point to talk about the Red Sox game tomorrow!

Picking up from yesterday –

Okay, so here’s the real stuff we care about!

The first small thing is when I was in my seat, I remembered that one of my tutors who, I think, became my friend as we’d sometimes do zooms outside of tutoring and text and things – she was graduating! I was like “wait a second, she was gonna finish this year, right? I checked and her name was in the program. I texted her. We texted pics back and forth from where we were sitting. We were silly and happy and it was good!

And then as I was waiting to walk, I saw my professor who’d encouraged me to go back to school, and has really been a positive force in my life (getting me to try new things like vegetarianism, giving sage advice and things; he’s a cool person). So, that was a fun surprise of excitement.

Then I walked. I reeeeeeally want to walk with my gown wide open, since gowns are shapeless, so people could see I’m cute and my waist goes in. But, I thought I’d get in trouble or something, so I didn’t.

After I walked, I went and sat down and I asked one of my favorite MP&E (Music Production and Engineering) Professors if he was there. He WAS and he was like “yeah, I’m in the front row. You walked by us!” And I was like “I WHAT?!”

I was about to be real sad if I didn’t get to see him. He thought there might be a procession out and I’d be led out without getting to see him, but luckily that didn’t happen. So, right after the ceremony, I ran up to the front row and gave him the biggest hug! It was really lovely to see him, as he was my professor WAY back in the day and then also on zoom in current day! [I mean, he’s not a secret haha. It was Prince Charles (grammy winner).]

So, that was lovely.

The one semi-embarrassing part was when we got to the point where people could throw their hats, and I was really bad at it. I didn’t want to lose my hat. I didn’t want to accidentally take someone’s eye out. The hat throwing was more stressful than I thought haha. I guess for future reference, if you don’t decorate your hat, you should probably put your name on the inside so you can be sure you don’t actually lose it.

(Although, it would probably be pretty hard to lose a hat completely – if there were no markings, you just might get someone else.)

So, I did a few little tiny throws instead of one big good one. I was in a big group, so you’d think no one would notice… except my sister who totally made fun of me later! (But all in good and loving fun, not in a mean way.)

And that was it.

The ceremony was over. My family had a slightly hard time finding each other, but we did. Then we all bought Berklee gear, which I think is funny that everyone is so willing to drop such an exorbitant amount of money just because it’s graduation day, so everyone wants all this expensive gear. (But that was my parents who were doing that, so thanks for my hat! Every person in my family got something. We were a big Berklee squad.)

And that concludes graduation. And I’ll talk about what else we did on graduation day tomorrow!

Picking up from yesterday –

It was kind of interesting coming in as someone who hadn’t actually been on campus in many years. I’d been away since 2010, and I’d finished wholly remotely over the pandemic, and hadn’t been in undergrad for 9 months.

It’s a big enough school that there were enough people who didn’t know each other, that I didn’t feel I was completely unique in that… But we were separated my major, so many people knew at least someone else in our little groups.

Not me though!

I did have fun chatting people up though. And then, as I am balancing on the intersection of wanting tons of representation of women everywhere, but also wanting to be ‘so special’ since barely any women dual major in Music Production & Engineering and Electronic Production & Design, I was curious if perhaps I’d be the only girl in the small group of people who are dual majors in such technical things.

And there was one other girl.

Considering I lean more toward the side of wanting more representation than wanting to be ‘special,’ I was happy for her.

So, we were all led back to this kind of ‘holding area’ place, and then someone with a clipboard came through and was like “tassels on the left! Tassels on the left everybody!”

Now, I’d looked it up, and everything I saw said tassels are supposed to start on the right and be moved to the left. And all of us were kind of looking at each other unsure as some voices kind of murmured that.

It is sort of funny to me that it could’ve been literally anyone telling us that. Like, just because someone has a clipboard doesn’t necessarily mean they’re an authority.

I stubbornly kept mine on the right and was like “I’ll figure this out later.”

So, anyway, we were all led into the seating.

As soon as I saw my dad, I waved like a 5-year-old at kindergarten graduation.

We sat, and you know, it was a graduation ceremony, as you’d expect. Speeches (which my dad seemed to love, as he kept quoting the jokes and things later, which I found endearing) were given.

It was cute because they kept referring to us as “Gen Z,” and it’s like, “yep. Mmm hmmm. This is me. Part of the new generation. Absolutely definitely not some graduate in my 30s hahaha.”

So, I liked feeling young for a hot second, and feeling all the hope around me.

As we walked up, they’d given us buttons with our numbers on them to stay in line. We had to have them attached to our robes. I’d taken mine off when I sat down, as we were clearly in order at that point.

But someone at the side of the stage was there to collect them. So, I guess I didn’t have to worry that they were gonna have me go on stage with a button, but oh well, I got rid of mine early.

And then I kept my tassel on the right for a long side, but the stage configuration was ‘backwards’ from how you’d expect it to be at a graduation, like we walked the opposite way it would usually be set-up. (I don’t know why. I’m assuming there was a reason, but who knows.)

Anyway, we’d pass official Berklee people along the way and they would tell everyone to put the tassel on the right. The person at the last station would physically move it if you had it on the right. So, I just put it in the back.

I didn’t want it on the left early! That doesn’t make any sense. (I may be too much of a stubborn person, but whatever.

Anyway, I’ll pick up here tomorrow!

(I technically already graduated in August, but) here we are!

When I walked out of my hotel, I saw this other girl in the same regalia, so we decided to jump in the uber together, which I thought was fun!

One thing I thought was kind of hilarious was that all of our paperwork said over and over that basically we BETTER NOT be late. And we had to be there something like two ish hours(?) early to the venue. And if we were even a MINUTE late to that time, they were going to close and lock the doors and it was game over for us.

Now, realistically, I knew that wasn’t gonna happen. Let’s get real.

Life happens. Traffic. Also, in that whole two hours, nobody’s gonna sneak away to use the bathroom or something? Why couldn’t a late person come in with them?

They’re not gonna let someone not graduate just because they’re not absurdly early.

My guess was, they asked us to be absurdly early, so that they could be absolutely certain that even IF things happened, we’d still be more than on time.

So, even though my logical mind knew they were gonna let us in…

I wasn’t taking any chances.

I got there before the ‘deadline’. And of COURSE I saw a ton more people coming in over the next hour and a half or whatever it was, before we moved everybody back to the holding area.

Like, dang. If I’d been this confident things would’ve been okay, I would’ve stayed at the hotel and gotten my hair done.

Over the years, I hadn’t thought all *that* much about my graduation ceremony. I hadn’t had giant dreams about what I would wear and everything. So, I wasn’t too wrapped up in those details.

I had considered it a little. And I had looked into getting a graduation cap done up all cutely. (I had thought maybe like a Kanye-West-Graduation-album thing… I mean, he’s maybe ‘problematic’ in some ways, but I loved him for a time, and his first album titles are college themed.)

I also, as time got closer, thought about getting something like “Women’s rights are human rights,” since I looooove Hillary Rodham Clinton, and all of the rumors are swirling real hard that Roe v Wade is gonna be overturned.

But alas, I just couldn’t get it together. I even tried to do it myself while I was hanging at a hotel in Boston, but maaaaaan am I not the type of crafty needed to make my own graduation cap.

I also kinda wanted some perfect dress, but my weight’s been fluctuating during the pandemic, and I’m living out of a suitcase, coming from Egypt, and New York, and on my way to Morocco after this.

So, I didn’t have some perfectly coiffed thing.

On the one hand, I should have, because this has been like ~ 13 years in the making. On the other hand, it’s just cool to be done. I think I could’ve showed up wrapped in a potato sack and my family would’ve still probably lost their minds with happiness. They were just happy to be there, even if I’d had spiders in my hair. Like, it literally didn’t matter what I looked like to them.

And I had a cute little outfit on anyway. Maybe not a full on grad dress-up thing, but I had my go-to pink sweater and white skirt.

So, anyway, I throw on clothes that are good enough and make-up that’s good enough, and I don’t really do anything with my hair, since it’s in a grad cap.

And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow!

Okay, so I’m definitely not actually ‘sneaking in’. I am actually officially in tomorrow’s ceremony.

But I’m just doing this little explainer as to why, really fast.

Because I officially graduated in August 2021 (at the end of summer 2021), teeeechnically, I was supposed to graduate in May 2021 ceremony.

BUT… it was virtual and I didn’t want to do that.

Also, virtualness aside, I had SO. MUCH. WORK. to do in the summer of 2021. I had to take the ‘capstone’ class in BOTH of my majors and BOTH of my minors.

How anti-climatic would it have felt to get to go to graduation, just to then have to do all that WORK?

I wanted to be done, done, done and have graduation be a *celebration*. Tbh, I think they should let people pick which one they’d rather choose if they’re a summer graduate. I don’t think anyone should have their only option, if they want to attend a graduation, to be attending the ceremony before the degree is actually granted, especially as anything could happen that could make you not finish in the summer (family emergency, heath emergency, you end up stuck out of the country, etc etc etc).

But I digress. I don’t make the policies. I don’t work for Berklee. All I can do is try to get the policies to work for me.

A long time ago, when I was in college the first time around, I took CLEP tests for every liberal arts class you could pass out of. And I passed them all – except one.

I was sick one of the weeks I was taking one of the classes, but I didn’t want to not to it, because I was doing so well at knocking them out. So, I went anyway, but was just tired and foggy brain and whatever (also, it was world history – something I’m not nearly as strong in as say English – something which I did pass), so maybe I wouldn’t have passed even had I not been sick!

Either way, whatever the reason, I didn’t pass it. You can take the CLEP again (in, I think 6 months from your original test), but I ultimately didn’t at the time… I think because I had started the whole heart-problem, in-and-out-of-the-hospital thing. Then I quit school. And then it didn’t matter anymore. So, 3 credits, or one CLEP test was unspoken for.

And instead of studying for a test, I ultimately decided to just take a class at a local LA community college. It was super cheap, since I’m a resident. I got to take a class focused in the history of racism (as it just had to be a history class), which was something worthwhile to study.

So, I was slated to finish that class in June 2021. (The LA Community College schedule was different from Berklee, so I was finishing that one after summer Berklee semester had already started.)

For various reasons, I sorta kinda wanted to hold back officially transferring that class onto my transcript.

I was afraid to lose out on certain perks of being an ‘undergrad student’ (various things you could apply to), and so I wanted to wait and not ‘officially’ graduate until like May 2022 – and I knew someone [not Berklee related, but another school] who did go to a program for college graduates, but didn’t get college ‘officially’ squared away until later.

And so I thought maybe that could be me! I could move to the next program, and as long as it’s all worked out before I actually graduate grad school, it’ll be fine, right?

Well, no. Berklee was having none of that haha. So, I would have to make sure everything was squared away by the end of the summer, which is fine and reasonable. Of course in general, you should actually have to fully finish your undergrad before you start your master’s.

But if I wanted to not qualify for graduation, I was going to have to fall in a special sort of ‘golden window,’ where everything was squared away by August but NOT by early June. And luckily(!) that’s exactly what happened!

And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow!

As you’ve probably heard, it’s been leaked that they’re planning to overturn Roe.

We’re gonna be paying for the Trump presidency for so long. Still so weird to even say that was a thing. Like… what they heck?

Anyway, when hearing the news, the first person I thought of was the woman I met outside of the supreme court late at night, when we were there protesting Brett Kavanaugh.

She was so heartbroken then… I can only imagine how she’s feeling now. How I wish I knew if she stayed with a law career. Really hope she did, and that maybe this is something she can be a part of fighting.

Picking up from yesterday –

I would be remiss if I also didn’t mention the racist element of it.

As people have stated MANY times, white men in the Academy have gotten away with SO many worse things – SO MANY WORSE THINGS.

So, the fact that we’re putting a black man with a STELLAR record under a microscope for one slap while white men are out here being serial criminals and keeping their Oscar and Academy membership and everything… Ugh.

I don’t have much more to say on this than that. Other people have said it all I’m sure more eloquently. But it’s really unfair to hold black men to a higher standard than white men.

Picking up from yesterday –

We left off with:

• What do you do with bullies?

There are people in a camp that bullies should get physical punishments – that kids should punch someone on the playground to lay down the law or whatever. I don’t personally agree with that, but if we frame it as Will ‘fighting back against a bully’, there are some people who think that’s appropriate.

Since I don’t think it’s appropriate – and since I don’t think Rock is the bully, more of just a representation of how much people have been on the Smith family’s butt extra recently – if for a second, we entertain the idea that Will is being bullied (no matter who the bully is), what is his ‘correct’ response then?

Obviously there were lots of responses. While Rock became this symbol of so many other things, in that moment, he didn’t have to be that. Had Will let the joke roll off his back, I don’t think anything Chris Rock said would’ve gotten twirled up in everything.

But since all that did happen… it’s like… I don’t know who people want Will Smith to be. Some people thought it was very ‘attractive’ that he was aggressive and ‘stood up for his wife’. I don’t think that.

But people also make fun of him if he just takes all the insults hurled at him/his family.

So yes, there were lots of different things he could’ve done in that moment. But overall, there’ve been so many times where he’s kind of been damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t. He’s supposed to be a kind, loving, empathetic man. But also, not take any crap. But also not be mean…

Like, it’s just a lot. I think we ask a lot of Will Smith. And I think we’re SUPER mean to mean whose wives sleep with someone else, as though that somehow makes them less than, when oftentimes it doesn’t have to be a reflection of them at all.

And while I know probably no one cares about this as much as I do, I’ll finish this out tomorrow.

As this post title says, I’m interested in exploring two questions [and already, I think ‘victim’ and ‘bully’, in general, is probably too reductive. But let’s explore in a semi-reductive way]:

1) Who is ‘the bully’?
2)  What do you do with bullies?

• Who is the bully?

In this sense, I don’t mean of Will Smith or Chris Rock. I mean, in a broader sense.

Will has been being ‘bullied’ by the internet ever since it came out that his wife had slept with someone else. The internet just will not let him live it down, which as I’ve already stated seems very cruel.

Also, Chris Rock has been joking about Jada since the ’90s… There are rumors it’s because she wouldn’t date him. I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know how much his jokes are ‘jokes’ [digs/cruelty wrapped in a way people will say she should laugh at], vs how many are true good-natured jokes.

But, there is conceivably a narrative where he is a bit of a bully to a woman for like 30 years.

*Usually* in narratives, people like it when people stand up to the bully, or when a ‘victim’ (or nerd, or whatever you want to call the person getting bullied) gets a big moment. [We’ll touch on this in a second.]

I think there is a possibility that Will could be viewed as someone who’s been bullied, perhaps standing up for someone who’d been bullied. So, I’m not saying we should label Chris Rock per se himself as a ‘bully’, but was he more of a straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back to bullying Will Smith endured?

• What do you do with bullies?

And this is where we’ll pick up tomorrow!

I have some things I want to get into, but I do think that making it very clear I think the violence is wrong is important.

I was just putting it at the top of the next post, but since it was kind of long, I thought I’d make it its own thing. So, here it is!

First, I think it’s important to state that I think unequivocally, violence is oh so RARELY the answer – only when it is pure self-defense. I don’t think laying your hands on someone as a ‘punishment,’ or ‘out of anger,’ or anything in that arena is justified. Ever.

So, even though I’m absolutely on the side of “the violent action was wrong,” I don’t think we need to vilify Will Smith for life. [But I am against the violent action, in case that’s not clear.]

[Also, violence is a spectrum, of course. Again, not trying to downplay what Will Smith did, but some people are acting like he shot Chris Rock and gave him serious injuries or something. Violence is wrong, And I know maybe the embarrassment of it (Chris getting slapped on such a visible stage) probably hurts worse than the physical injury. I do think emotional undertones are often worse than physical things themselves, for SURE.

I know I’d MUCH rather someone give one slap or punch than hurt me emotionally. So, since emotions are wrapped in there, I’m not saying he suffered no injuries, as some injuries aren’t visible. But still. There has to be a way to take what Chris Rock is going through seriously without acting like Will Smith shot a man in vital organs or something.]

And I’ll get into some more nuances about the whole thing tomorrow.

Picking up from yesterday –

It’s just mean, for reasons I can’t seem to understand. I get that some people say if they air their business publicly, we have a right. But for one thing, I think a high power celebrity couple choosing to try to own their own ‘brand’, and realize that if people are always talking and speculating, they may as well open their hearts and lives to really share them publicly… I don’t think that does give us the right to throw things back in their face forever.

And even if it did, why would we want to? Why would we WANT to throw something that seemingly hurt Will Smith (based on the way his eyes looked on the Red Table Talk special where they talked about it) in his face all the time?

For all the people who are viewing that as cheating, do they realize then, that HE would be the injured party there? Making fun of the injured party is the MEAN thing to do? It’s punching down, which is the opposite of what comedy is supposed to do.

I’m not justifying him slapping someone on live television. But the internet has been SO cruel to him. And he has generally taken it fairly in stride for SO long. How could this man not be ready to snap, at least a little?

Also, as far as the slap goes, I am also a pretty big believer that when someone makes what seems to be a true mistake – (such as things not premeditated and/or things that are rare occurrences as opposed to the person’s majority of their body of work) – and especially when the injured party (which is geeeeenerally the party I think we should look to on how to proceed) – doesn’t press charges or make a big deal and is willing to chalk it up to a mistake, AND the person issues an apology… like, what else do we want, really?

What’s the point of just continuing to punish him, to what end?

I really think we should be nicer to Will Smith. [Also, I actually think I’m gonna have more to say on this tomorrow.]

Picking up from yesterday –

1) in the past year, from his birthday to his birthday, what is he proudest of?

He was proud of how a bond he had with his brother, that was already strong, was strengthened even more through his brothers health issues of the past year – that they’d really be able to grow closer and love deeper.

[I found it so telling of who he is, and so wonderful that instead of him seeming like he was proud of ‘taking care’ of his brother or coming to the rescue or something while he’s a big, busy, powerful Senator; he seemed to really be proud of the bond, and thinking his brother had given him just as much, if not more, as Cory really appreciated their friendship and everything.]

2) Two is the opposite of the first question. So, a regret, failure, etc.

He said he wished he’d been better at messaging.

(You know? Basically, he didn’t say exactly this, but the vibe I got was that Republicans are really good about breaking things down into phrases that are very easy to grasp. But we don’t always do that e.g. ‘Build Back Better’ – what does that mean to the average person?)

So, just better messaging on what he/the party is doing for the American people.

3) Biggest goal for the upcoming year?

I loved this one! Basically, he’s working on his personal wellness… Not just in terms of step count and all of that. But he framed it as he “wants to be at peace with himself,” which I think is really a lovely thing to think about/work toward.

[And I feel like I ‘get that’. Like, I have a busy mind, and am not sure I’m always at peace with myself. So, as always, I appreciate him leading the way.]

[Again, old post. Imagine this is April 2022.]

So, Cory Booker’s actual birthday isn’t for a couple of weeks still. But he had his LA party tonight.

It was awesome, at this beautiful rooftop restaurant. They had a cute cake. It felt very fancy. There was a guard at the door, and you had to say what you were there for to even be allowed into the lobby to check in.

Then once you are checked in, they escort you to the elevator, and are like “the senator is waiting for you.” Then you get to go up to the fancy party!

It’s funny, because over the years, I’ve gotten to know him a little better at various events and such [much of which is covered on this blog]. And I don’t think I realized that after all this time… it’s no longer totally just a running gag that I’m like “oh yeah my bff” about somebody I barely know… We’ve like… actually become friends, I think?

Because when he was mingling around the party and saw me, he was like “Aurora! I was hoping you would be here!”

Like, I got invited to his small LA birthday party. He knew me by name. He said he hoped I would be there. And then we reminisced a little, starting when he was like “how long have we known each other now?” And I was like well, we first met in person funnily enough at a birthday part of yours in SF 9 years ago.” And he was all, “that’s RIGHT!”

He was so sweet. And then I asked him the 3 birthday questions.

[Side note: Obviously I wouldn’t post his private business on the internet, but these were all pretty public things he said in a crowded party with other people paying attention to our conversation. So, I don’t think they’re secret at all.]

And I will write about the birthday questions tomorrow!