Time for another installment of this Wednesday/Sunday night series!
Picking up from last time –
Since we just talked about getting my final approval from the mental health professionals, I want to touch on that whole thing one last time.
Then, I need to, in the words of Bobby and Kristen Anderson-Lopez (through the mouth of Idina Menzel), Let It Go!
There have been many times throughout this new UCLA story when wonderful things happened and people liked me, that I wanted to say, “in your face,OSU!”…And at times I did.
Now, I don’t think I’ll ever change my opinion about feeling as though I was judged unfairly. However, while you can’t control how people treat you, you can control what you do in return.
Are you really going to keep holding a grudge, Aurora? You know Cory Booker, one of your role models, would not condone that kind of behavior. I know. I know we should be kind and forgiving.
But there’s just a part of me that has such a hard time reconciling that this person(/people if you count the social worker too, which we can) thought I was basically this irresponsible, agitated, dumb girl.
And I don’t think that’s me. And it’s so vindicating when other people (in those same roles as those mental health professionals) also don’t think that’s me.
And I know we all have good days and bad days. And if you see my in my worst moods, you might think I’m agitated too. (Hopefully you’d never think I was an idiot, but even smart people can come off dumb sometimes.)
Anyway, maybe I was having a bad day. Maybe the psychologist was. Maybe it was both! Maybe a million things.
Also, I’ll concede that I was on my best behavior at UCLA. I was still absolutely me – judging partly by the fact that both the social worker and psychiatrist here commented that I seemed competitive, or like an overachiever, or a type A personality. I cannot completely hide who I am.
Sure, maybe if I were literally acting (not just being on extra good behavior)… like, as someone in a play, I could try. But as me, in an interview about me, no matter how much I dial me down… I’m me. Still… the careful-est me I could be. So, maybe these people wouldn’t have liked me quite as much if I hadn’t been on the edge of my seat, holding my breath, careful.
But for the record, I think they saw more of “me” than the OSU people saw. Yeah, I was careful. But I was also happy (not agitated – just as I like to think I usually am not). So, you win some, you lose some, I guess.
And I don’t know why this has gotten to me so much, really. Obviously I’d say the main reason is because I was denied from being a kidney donor because of an interview. I’m usually good at interviewing! And, well, I’ve already explained many reasons I’m upset…
But on top of all those (in my opinion) normal and valid reasons, since I am having this urge to say “See? See!” every time people do see me the way I hope they will… is there some underlying stuff still bothering me?
Is there a part of me that worries that maaaybe I am any of the things she thought?
Is that why I’m trying so very hard to ram home the point that she’s wrong – out of some insecurities? Do I worry I actually am irresponsible, because maybe I’m not doing enough with my life? Do I worry that maybe I am a little dumb? (I do not do well in Geography Jeopardy! categories… (and some other ones too… College football stadiums? Yeah right.))
Do I worry that I’m not evolved enough to play her game? I do not do well in the position of weakness. As much as I want to say, “I’ll just try to never be in a position of weakness,” that is impossible! You have to learn how to persevere when you’re in those situations.
And when the social worker and psychologist at OSU made me feel so small, I pushed back! But would a better person have just taken it, been small, and been okay with it – especially knowing it was for the greater good (of giving a kidney). That experience was practically the definition of winning the battle, but losing the war.
Was it my fault (not theirs) that someone in need didn’t get a kidney?
I’ll finish my thoughts on this tomorrow.