Picking up from last time –
Here’s the poem I came up with:
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
I love you. That’s the important part.
But my brain is struggling and so is my heart.
The triggers will change of what makes you upset.
So, I don’t know each day which guy I will get.
Something that did make you happy last week,
this week might make you sad.
I internalize all of your mood swings,
and spend too much time feeling bad.
…or anxious, or confused, or alone, or powerless…
And because every day is different inside of that riveting brain,
I can’t ever learn where the line is, of where pleasure turns into pain.
I know you don’t ask me to make you happy,
and I don’t have the power to.
But it doesn’t change how I desperately want to protect you
when pain consumes you.
When I cry to my friends ’cause I don’t understand,
I have said, “What a bipolar fool!”
But to use your disease as an adjective?
Psst, I’m the one who’s a tool.
I love that we’ve made it this far.
and I know that we both are so tough.
I know our best moments are the best that I’ve had.
But are mere moments enough?
I love you. That’s the important part.
But my brain is struggling and so is my heart.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
In the uber, on the way over to the open mic, the driver asked if I’d practice my poem for him. And it was the most amazing car ride! He started tearing up. He said, “You have no idea how much this hits me right now.” He went on to tell me about how he’d been dealing with a diagnosis for over a year and him and his live-in girlfriend were trying so hard to get through it.
He told me how it had been really tough for both of him. He said that his girlfriend was a super positive person, just a light in the room. And he talked about how she wants so much to be there for him, but sometimes she just can’t be. In the times of depression, he just doesn’t know how to get his energy up – even though he loves being around her. There are just times when it’s hard.
And then he said he felt like he could see her changing before his eyes and he felt like… he did some kind of metaphor of I think cars being jumpstarted, but basically, he said she was a full battery and he felt like he was draining her – and he could see it happening before his eyes.
They were actually just in the process of getting separate living places. They’re trying to make it work. He really wants to stay with her, but he was saying that he doesn’t know that he’s the best thing for her… And ultimately, he wants her to be happy and live a really fulfilling life.
I thought that part was super selfless and sweet. He asked me if I’d please send him the poem, which I did.
As I said earlier, there was pressure for the 3rd event to be a good one. And this car ride made it for me. The fact that I got to hear someone’s fascinating (while sad) personal story… and that something I wrote could touch someone so much – that’s the point of art, is it not?
So #3 was awesome before I even got to the actual performance. (But we’ll still talk about that next time.)