Here’s one thing (well, I guess a few things) I’m trying to give myself (as I try to live a better/more responsible life):
– a better ability to forgive and
– more personal responsibility/accountability
I had friendship over about the past year that didn’t go (or isn’t going?) exactly like I envisioned it would.
I debated over whether this should be more of just a personal journal entry, or a blog entry – where it’s, you know, in public. But, I won’t get into big details or use names, ’cause it’s rude to air dirty (or, I guess very slightly dirty) laundry having to do with anyone else, online.
But I felt that as I grow and try to become a better person, I can share those bits of progress. And maybe that opens up conversations with others if you out there are also trying to become better people…
So, I was friends with this person. He has a lot of wonderful qualities. And we have an insane amount of stuff in common. There was just generally a nice connection there – which I find incredibly rare in Los Angeles, ’cause there’s a lot of grossness out here.
And while he is one of the kindest people I know, he’s also one of the flakiest. And he has, a lot of layers, I suppose is how I’ll say it.
It’s awesome when people have layers, ’cause it makes them interesting and human. But sometimes, when there’s a lot going on, they may have more layers/more surprises than you’re ready to handle.
I am someone with a lot of layers too. (I’m sure you have an idea of that just by reading the blog.) And I am certainly too much for some people to handle – being ready for adventure at the drop of a hat, caring (possibly) too much about some smaller things in life, being maybe too political for some people, and on and on. (I’m sure we could go on for a while.) Basically, I’m just trying to say, I’m not perfect either.
And, I even talked on this blog not that long ago about how, I too sometimes tell people I’m too busy for them. Then I take a second to look at what I’m really up to and realize how much time I’ve spent procrastinating, or generally not doing a whole heck of a lot. And if I would like forgiveness from others, I need to learn how to forgive.
Getting off that long intro into the actual story part…
Basically, things started to kind of fall apart a little while ago. He’d say we were going to hang out. Then he’d blow me off – sometimes with a lot of time to spare. Sometimes not so much. A couple of times are forgiveable. But, I started to feel like my time/I wasn’t being super respected.
Now, he’s somewhat busy. (Everyone in L.A. is, because everyone is chasing a dream.) And I am really trying to work on patience. I really believe in my heart that he’s a good guy, not just jerking me around for sport.
But then, where is the line where patience ends, and some sort of expectation, somewhere, begins?
I didn’t really know, and I still don’t. But, the more he did it to me, the more tense I could kind of feel myself getting. I think it affected the way I treated him. I was a little more annoyed, and started to put a little more pressure on him to freaking keep a hang-out promise already!
But then, of course I started to feel a little crazy and/or rude. I also kind of started to be upset with myself over the fact that I was letting this one person have such a large effect on my emotions.
I kind of started to feel a little less than. But why? Who is this person? And what makes him so special that I assume if I am not worth his time, then I question what I am worth?
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow.