Picking up from yesterday –
Then comes the comedy song. My favorite comedy song I have is this song about a one-night stand after a girl has just gotten out of a relationship. She thinks this is gonna make her feel better, but the sex is terrible!
I’m not at all trying to make any kind of statement with that song. I’m not saying women are incapable of having sex without emotion. I’m just saying that on that night, in that point in her life, it was bad. And I enjoy the song.
If you want to read it, here it is:
Set-up: After Anna breaks things off with David, she desperately tries to forget him, falling into bed with a stranger from a bar. Here, she’s in a bed and someone’s squirming underneath the covers.
[Song: “If This Is What Sex Has Become”]
ANNA
WAX ON, WAX OFF. ARE YOU RALPH MACCHIO WITH YOUR SWEAT?
IN EVERY WAY BUT THE ONE I WANT, I AM SOAKING WET.
IS YOUR GUT STUCK TO ME? YOU’RE SECRETING SUPER GLUE.
IF THIS IS WHAT SEX HAS BECOME, I DO NOT WANT TO SCREW.
YOU’RE OUT, NOT IN. THE PLACE YOU’RE AIMING FOR ISN’T CLOAKED.
IN EVERY WAY BUT THE ONE I WANT, I AM BEING POKED.
DO YOU NEED GPS, OR A NEON SIGN DISPLAYED?
IF THIS IS WHAT SEX HAS BECOME, I DON’T WANT TO GET LAID.
WHAT IF ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
IS GOOD AT HAVING SEX?
WHAT IF ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS A BIG DICK?
WHAT IF DAVID’S THE ONLY ONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD
WHO STRAIGHTENS OUT MY SPINE?
WHAT IF ALL SEX FROM NOW ON MAKES ME FEEL SICK?
YOU WHEEZE AND GASP, LIKE SOME DOG TRAPPED IN HEAT ALL ALONE.
IN EVERY WAY BUT THE ONE I WANT, I AM BEING BLOWN.
BUSHES GROW OUT YOUR EARS; HOW I WISH THAT YOU WOULD PLUCK.
IF THIS IS WHAT SEX HAS BECOME, I DO NOT WANT TO – oh great, you’re done.
[Note: By the way, is the Karate Kid reference in the first line not topical enough? Even I had to look up who was in that movie to write the line (I didn’t know, but I felt a lot of people did and maybe I should have)… But as time goes on, I think it might be too dated? I kind of like the idea of this guy squirming on her like the “wax on, wax off” thing. I dunno. She probably could say, “Wax on, wax off. Who are you, Jaden Smith with your sweat? But does anybody even know he was in the reboot? Anyway, that’s beside the point…]
I’ve sent that song around to a number of people I trust, and it seems pretty well-liked.
BUT! Here’s the thing on that one. I have submitted it to the workshop before! And I didn’t get an audition. Of course that could be for any number of reasons.
They could’ve just disliked my other two songs and thought that one wasn’t good enough on its own to out-do them. They could’ve disliked the melody to the song (as this was the first year I only sent in lyrics). Or they could’ve disliked in general that I was applying as a composer/lyricist. (I’ve heard they like it when you pick one or the other… And it just so happens that the first year I submitted only lyrics, I got an audition…)
It could’ve been someone screening who doesn’t work there anymore. The competition I was against could’ve been different that year. There could’ve been a million reasons why I didn’t get an audition when that song was in my audition packet. So, while I think it’s risky to do that song, I still think it’s maybe safe enough.
So, this is the comedy song I picked… Well, for now. We’ll see what happens when I get to New York. And this is where I’ll pick up next time.