I wanted to write a post asking all about what forgiveness means. (And I am tomorrow!) But it was getting too long because I was spending all this time establishing how furious I am, before I could even get to the forgiveness part (So, I’m writing this first)…
Sometimes I feel furious re: the man who assaulted me… Just furious.
And sometimes I really, really try not to. And then sometimes, even when I’m trying to be a “big person” or “calm person” or whatever, my fury seems to come from practically out of nowhere.
In a second, I’m gonna talk about how it’s related to sex, but it happens in other parts of life too…
I feel shorter with people even about dumb non-important stuff…. Even if it’s something small like I’m going to breakfast with a friend and they ask where I wanna go and I say, “I’d love to go to [blah blah blah].” And they say, “let’s just go to [blah].” Sometimes I’ll get mad! Like, why even ask me if you don’t hear me? And I know it’s silly because whoooo cares where you have freaking breakfast? It doesn’t matter. I’m just happy to spend time with the person! But I have become too sensitive to not being heard or feeling “controlled.”
And I want to make it clear that I don’t think every single thing should always go my way and everybody’s gotta bow down to exactly what I need and want 24/7. I have just gotten ultra sensitive to not feeling heard or feeling controlled even a little… And I just want to stop feeling this way. (And I’m working on it. And I’m sure I will.)
Also, my furious feeling creeps up in other ways when other people aren’t even around… I feel angry when my day is interrupted by walking up crying from a nightmare, because I feel like he’s continuing to waste my time… Sometimes (even though I find therapy helpful and I really like my therapist), I feel angry for that same reason when I go to therapy. “Ugh, I can’t believe I have to adjust my work schedule and make time for this. If only this man had never done this, my life could just be “normal.”
[Warning: Exceptionally mild sex story coming up.]
First off, I am livid when I think about crying for the 3rd time(!) in a week having sex with a guy I really like… Because, for one thing, it’s embarrassing as all get out. And I hate being so embarrassed. So, I get angry that crying during sex is part of my life now. And also, I get angry about the way it affects this beautiful soul (that guy).
I was having sex with this really just incredibly wonderful man. And I’d warned him about what was going on with me, and that I might cry… And he was patient and just really ridiculously sweet about it.
And he climbed on top of me – as he was more than welcome to do… I really wanted him to do it, in fact. And even though I knew I was in control, and I knew I was safe with him, I still just totally broke down crying – I mean, really, really, really crying. I buried my face in his pillow and made just this humongous tear stain – so many tears.
And as much as I could get words out, I was talking about how wildly embarrassed I was. And I was apologizing. And he was absolutely perfect about it, giving me aaaaaall the space and time that I needed.
(And he brought me a water in this mug he knew that I would love, which was very sweet. But also, I’m tangenting off the important part of the story.)
When I finally started to calm down, I made some self-deprecating remark about how annoying it must be for him that this was happening. And he looked at me with these big, gorgeous, genuine eyes and said, “Aurora, no. Not annoying at all. It’s not annoying. It’s terribly sad… I really like you. And I don’t feel annoyed. I feel helpless that I don’t know what I can possibly do to make this better. And I feel really sad that this happened to you. But I do not feel annoyed.”
And I just burst into even more tears, because he is being the best human being on the planet. And then, after the feeling of being so sweetly touched, I was just FURIOUS with the other guy again… Because it’s one thing to affect my life. That already makes me mad enough – that I’m struggling, but doing my best to deal with it… But to look over and see the eyes of this man caring SO much and feeling so helpless – to see sexual assault guy’s actions affecting people I care about… It made me fuuuuuuuurious.
And I know that we can make the argument that technically he’s not “doing” anything anymore…. That he did one thing many months ago, and now I should be able to be in charge of my mind – that my mind is strong, and at this point, if I’m crying it’s my own fault, not his. And I make that argument to myself sometimes…
But as a point of compassion (toward me, if you wouldn’t mind), is it possible to also just say that he shouldn’t have done that? Yeah, I should potentially be able to try to manage my emotions and flashbacks better. But I shouldn’t have been put in this position… Right? I mean, I don’t want to shirk responsibility. But I’m also just angry! And I don’t want to take too much responsibility – ’cause that doesn’t feel super fair either.
Anyway, the point is, sometimes I am so so so so so so so so so so furious. So freaking furious….
Which is making it kind of hard for me to forgive… Which is what we’ll get into tomorrow.