I wanted to write a post asking all about what forgiveness means. (And I am tomorrow!) But it was getting too long because I was spending all this time establishing how furious I am, before I could even get to the forgiveness part… Therefore, I’m writing this first…
Sometimes I feel furious re: the man who assaulted me… Just furious.
And sometimes I really, really try not to. And then sometimes, even when I’m trying to be the “big person” or a “calm person” or whatever, my fury seems to come from practically out of nowhere.
In a second, I’m gonna talk about how it’s related to sex, but it happens in other parts of life too…
I feel shorter with people even about dumb, non-important stuff…. Even if it’s something small, like I’m going to breakfast with a friend and they ask where I wanna go and I say, “I’d love to go to [blah blah blah].” And they say, “let’s just go to [blah].” Sometimes I’ll get mad! Like, why even ask me if you don’t hear me? And I know it’s silly because whoooo cares where you have freaking breakfast? It doesn’t matter. I’m just happy to spend time with the person! But, for the time being, I have become too sensitive to not being heard.
And I want to make it clear that I don’t think every single thing should always go my way where everybody’s gotta bow down to exactly what I need and want 24/7. Just, as I’ve said, I’ve gotten a little ultra-sensitive to not feeling heard, or feeling controlled – even a little… And I just want to stop feeling this way. (And I’m working on it. And I’m sure I will eventually…)
Also, my furious feeling creeps up in other ways when other people aren’t even around… I feel angry when my day is interrupted by waking up crying from a nightmare, because I feel like sexual assault guy’s continuing to waste my time…
Sometimes (even though I find therapy helpful, l and I really like my therapist), I feel angry for that same reason when I go to therapy. “Ugh, I can’t believe I sometimes have to adjust my work schedule and make time for this. If only this man had never done this, my life could just be “normal.”