Picking up from yesterday –
Anyway, I was listening to a comedy podcast. And this woman happened to tell this little side story. (They were laughing. It didn’t seem upsetting to her… But anyway.) She was telling this story about how she cannot drink tequila anymore, because one time she got so sick in college – so, so very sick, that now, even the thought of tequila makes her want to vomit. So she’s like, “I just don’t drink it anymore.”
And now sex makes me feel sick and queasy sometimes, and nauseous sometimes…
The way I dealt with the time I was assaulted in college is that just no one can call me “baby” during sex. And as long as I’m not called baby, I’m a million percent fine.
But with this time, it was so much more intense than that (with someone I knew, and who hurt me multiple times). This encompasses so much more. So, now what? No one can ever be on top, or look me in the eyes? Or have sex with me in my bed? Or try to be intimate with me outside of sex? Or take a shower with me? (And on and on and on.) My god.
And I am pushing forward as best as I can… I am trying my darndest to just keep having sex. (That sort of sounds silly as its own sentence, and is a post for itself probably.)
Anyway, I don’t want to avoid it!
The woman’s story on the podcast was basically like, “Tequila made me sick. I have a terribly memory with it. So now I just avoid it.” And I sobbed making this potential connection in my head (at a story told in a very lighthearted/funny/silly way). Because I just do not want sex to be my tequila…