Picking up from yesterday –
So, anyway, with everything I experienced and learned about him, we have a sense of who he is. But I also have a sense of who he was when I met him. I know the “nice guy” – the one who goes above and beyond, who everyone thinks is so sweet.
He will go out of his way to do errands/favors for people when they need it. He runs a friend’s storage unit while she’s out of the country. He’ll totally pick people up from the airport! (JFK – a big airport, and one that’s so accessible, it’d be so easy to tell someone, “just take the train, buddy.” But he will pick you up!)
He told me about going to see tiny improv shows of his friends’. A lot of people don’t like to go to improv shows – especially not ones in the tiny lesser-known theaters. But he’ll go.
He’ll buy drinks for the table. He’ll host waffle parties.
He’s starting to sound like a good guy, right? Don’t you like him already? It’s so easy to see why one would.
Heck, he was one of the first people to reach out to me in New York, and be like, “Wow, a big cross-country move. I bet you could use a friend. Would you like to go to dinner sometime?”
That sounds like a good guy, right?
But he told me later he only did that because he was literally going down a list he got of all the people new to BMI that year, and trying to make a connection with each one.
Now, that’s very smart. (Very smart!)
[And, side note: To some extent, it is similar to what I did on America’s Got Talent. I had a goal to go out with one new person every week, when I was a PA, so I could learn more about people’s jobs, and how they got to where they were, and just feel more a part of that community. The difference I see is that I straight-up told people that’s what I was doing. I said that was my goal, and that I wanted to learn more, and if they wanted to tell me their story, I’d buy them a coffee or something. There was no false pretenses, no fake or forced friendships. I like to think that’s an important distinction… I dunno.]
I don’t necessarily thing there’s anything “wrong” with him doing that. It is a smart move. And sometimes you truly do just want to get to know new people, and like anything in life, it might become more manageable if you put actual goals on it. So, I don’t fault him for having a list, and making goals and stuff. But I do have to remember that when I thought he was being a “nice guy” who “paid attention” and noticed I was new in town, he really was looking for an in to help me become a checkmark on his literal list…
Anyway, I’m finding the long way around to my point – which is that, when I was having this conversation about how one of the things that seems hardest for me to get over is – how could this guy who seems sooooo good – who does all these things I mentioned at the top of this post, and more… how could he do something so bad?
It’s part of what makes self-blame so easy. “It must’ve been me, right? If someone is so good and fun and beloved, and he starts doing bad thing(s) (mainly sexual assault, but also abusive behavior, etc…)… how could I not have caused that somehow – if he did something so out of character?”
And what this confidant told me is, “Why do you assume he is the ‘good guy,’ and that this is what’s out of character for him? Because everything I know of him – the narcissistic tendencies, the exceptionally manipulative behaviors, the intense gaslighting – to me, that all sounds in line with someone who commits sexual assault. I don’t think it’s out of line with his behavior at all. I think it is directly and totally in line with who he is.”
And they had me think about it in a different way… Don’t I think it’s at least possible that the good stuff is just another version of those narcissistic (or sort of, perhaps almost sociopathic(?)) tendencies? That it’s part of the act, or that it’s what he does to basically lure people, or to be “popular,” or to protect his ‘image,’ or to use people to get what he wants?
After all, who are the people he’s doing these things for? Is it not mainly for people who might be able to help him in some way?
[And maybe that makes me seem paranoid(?). I dunno. But I found it to be a helpful thing to at least consider there might be another lens to look at this. Even though we can’t know for sure.]
And aaaaanyway, this is where I’ll pick up on this tomorrow.
[This is from the sexual assault series.]