I say I’m doing a lot better nowadays, because… I think I am.
In a whole lot of measurable ways, I am.
But I’m not exempt from nightmares or bad days just because I’m “doing better.”
And today, my goodness. I had very interrupted sleep all night. It was a little nightmare-y. I cried a lot this morning, which doesn’t happen much anymore – especially just unannounced, about nothing (or not nothing, but nothing new, at least).
And I have been so exhausted all day. I’ve been eating a bunch of crap just to stay awake, and to try to get some energy. And of course eating nothing but crap makes me feel even more like crap. And it’s just like my eyes are tired from crying. My head hurts. It’s this whole mix of physical and emotional pain. And I used to live like this. every. single. day.
I don’t even know how I did it. But oh goodness gracious, it is weird to get a glimpse of this life again and to remember on a very visceral level just how exceptionally exhausting it was (and to see how, while I may not be exactly where I want, or “fully” healed (if that’s even a thing), I really definitely have made some progress, if this feels odd, instead of like “Thursday” or whatever.
[This is from the sexual assault series.]