Let’s hope the old wisdom “third time’s the charm” doesn’t always hold true, because this is all I’ve got. I was lucky to even get a second chance. And there has to be some kind of known wisdom about second chances, right? (Short and cool like “third time’s the charm,” but about second chances instead? I dunno.)
Aaaanway, the point is. I’m back. It’s happening. I’m back.
For the most part, I don’t think I’ll be talking about BMI in real time (or maybe much at all this time around). We’ll see! So, don’t expect a lot of by-the-week updates… Maybe if I have some interesting takeaway or story, I’ll share. But for the most part, I don’t plan on talking about it much on this blog for a while.
As far as how it went for me tonight… It’s all new.
I used to think, “how am I gonna take that same Uber trip down the west side and see the buildings, and remember exactly how it all used to be, without being so overwhelmed with what “was” or what “should’ve been”?
But.
It was all different.
I bought a new first day dress. Since (as I’ve said on here), embarrassingly, I’ve gained some weight from being depressed and such, kind of a lot, over the last year and a half or so. Sure my favorite lucky BMI dress still “fits.” (It zips, but I don’t know that that’s everything haha, ’cause it baaaarely zips and is far too tight.)
So, I got a brand new dress. (Not that I’m happy about that, per se. I’m just saying, it was different.)
I also headed to BMI from my apartment this week. I thought I’d be going down the west side again. But, I moved more into midtown (as you know), and I just switched jobs. I finished out at The Daily Show the week before BMI started, and I start my new job next Monday. So, I came from my apartment.
So, the car took a route straight through midtown. It was a different ride, with different buildings, with no past sentimental value.
I gave a different headshot for my ID badge, even. It’s all different.
Not only is it all different, but it’s all just kind of like, “well, it’s happening!”
For instance, I had planned to get my hair and make-up done beforehand, so I could come on in as put together as possible for my first impression…
But since Donald Trump was in town for this UN thing, you couldn’t cross the street I needed to cross (on foot)! I had to get to 56th, and I couldn’t get past 55th. I could see the street. So close. But pedestrians could not cross.
I’m sure there was some way to go around somehow, somewhere, but I kept running into roadblocks, and it was a madhouse of pedestrians (and vehicles), and it got to the point where I’d be too late to keep my appointment anyway.
So, I used the make-up I could find lying around at home (which included enough stuff to sort of even out my skin tone, but I could not find mascara, so my eyes weren’t quite so popping, I don’t think, but alas, anyway…).
My hair was just in simple pigtails. My make-up was whatever. My favorite/lucky dress was left at home because I wasn’t super feeling confident in it.
It was a very different and imperfect start of BMI – which I thought was fitting because it’s a very different and imperfect experience for me.
Obviously, as we’ve spent much of the past year discussing this, none of this happened the way I thought it would. This wasn’t the exact perfect dream I imagined…
So, I thought it was very fitting that even my first day returning had the little roadblock of like, “Okay, I made my appointments so early, and gave myself so much time. And it still didn’t “go according to plan.”
And life goes on. Class still happens. I still meet cool people, with or without mascara.
So, there you have it. Different. Imperfect. And I can’t wait to see where that leads.
[You can read more about BMI experiences here. Or about posts having to do with sexual assault (the reason I left BMI in the first place) here.]